Monday, December 1, 2008

Music, movies, and Novels....

I have now read the first two books of the twilight saga, as well as watched the twilight movie.  Naturally I am intrigued by what I have seen and read.  But most importantly I love how Stephanie Meyer posted a playlist of what she hears to the books. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


In the book 20-Minute Retreats by Rachel Harris, Ph.D. the chapters following the basic information needed to engage in retreats is listed by topic. The first topic is that of faith. Harris says that faith is not only faith in God. It is faith in "ourselves, faith in others, faith in our process" (Harris 19). To those of us who are not monotheistic having faith can become something of an issue. Either we are deeply spiritual and do not allow the external world to impact our spiritual lives, or we find it hard to find time for faith when the world bombards us with monotheistic ideals and values and degrades our own.

I often wonder how true to my faith I am. I do not participate in group religous activities. I do not often celibrate the holy days that I belive in. And I most certainly do not go around talking about my faith to others. It is private. But then when I think about how I live my life with the full belief that the universe will provide, I just have to be open to it. Much of my identity is tied to what I belive in. None of the signs of needing a faith retreat are true or present in my life.

I think that this is perhaps true because even though faith is not number one in my lifestyle, it does show in everything I do. I live in the moment as much as possible. I belive nature is sacred and try to act accordingly. Like everyone, I make mistakes. I am not a perfect discordian, nor am I a perfect witch or Darkborne. But I have embraced my faith to the point that I know in my heart and soul what I am. I do not need trapings or cerimony to remind me of it. I feel energy every moment of my life. I see the world through the eyes of one who is endarkend. I have faith in myself because how can I not when I know that I am part of the sacred, part of the all. I am cynical and have little trust in the qualities of my fellow human, but I also am aware that I cannot hold the standard I have for myself as true to everyone. That they do the best they can on their own path, and for how far along they are in their spiritual evolution.

I do realise that not everyone can be this zen about faith. That there is more to it and that others need the trappings and to be reminded of this virtue. For those that do need this, I highly recomend this book.

Reading 20-Minutes Retreats

Harris, Rachel Ph.D. 20-Minute Retreats. Henry Holt and Company.
New York, New York. 2000.

Please see this bibliographical information for all posts mentioning the book. I will include citation of the author's last name in my posts.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

What I want in a man.

What I want in a partner:
I want a man who is not going to be lead by me, yet will not expect me to be a 'stepford' wife.  I want a man who will share my life, and my experiences, yet let me have my own interests and quite self-reflection.  I want a man who as intellectual or more so than I myself am. He should feel the wanderlust that I do, have dreams that are big, and ambition that is even bigger.  He should be able to embrace both his masculine and feminine sides of his personality. He should be creative and aritistic.  Deeply spiritual and embrace the dark.  Sensual and experimental.  He should be a caring individual who helps those in need, and can relate to those down and out.  He should be classy, and have a nobility of spirit. 

Most of all he should want to share his life with me, and be able to be honest and upfront when his needs are not being me, and not only expect me to do the same but to call me out so to speak if I fail to hold up my end of the relationship. 

I want passion, and ideally marraige and monogamy even when I cannot admit to it.

I want my the dark stranger who haunted my dreams.

partial rant

I just went back over and re-read my old blog entries.  And man, I have to say I am one fucked up individual.  It is clear by my language usage when I am in a manic state.  It is also clear that my supposed vast intellect is only ever used fully to ramble on about whatever my current obsession is. I do and say quite a bit of stupid things.  I hit a nail on the head once by saying I am obsessed with obsessions.  My mind works by fixating on someone or something and clinging to it.  I trust outside influences overly to judge reality in order to have a springing board for my lifestyle.  I am easily lead.  Yet I have a grandiose image of myself.  Let me reiterate...I am one really fucked up person. 

This season of being for myself has been one of nostalgia.  Looking back on my life and analyzing everything.  I have decided that I am well versed in the talent of self-deception, as well as being rather given to compulsions and lack of impulse control.

For a while I wanted to wallow in the lack of romantic interest I have.  Feeling the need to fixate on one or more individuals in a sexual manner in order to fuel fantasy and erotic dreams.  While at the same time finding very little in life to be actually stimulating.  I realize that I have a need to be in love.  In one way my stalker is totally correct.

Yet perhaps this need to be interested and focused on someone is a way of self-denying my true feelings.  I realize I used to do the same thing when I was a child. I also had the same pat

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Root Chakra Experiment and info

Chakra One:

Earth, Physical identity, oriented to self-preservation

Located at the base of the spine, this chakra forms our foundation. It

represents the element earth, and is therefore related to our survival

instincts, and to our sense of grounding and connection to our bodies

and the physical plane. Ideally this chakra brings us health, prosperity,

security, and dynamic presence.

From : 

We as Darkborne have a unique spiritual makeup.  One of the theories that I have been investigating for the last few years is the presence of chakras in Darkborne and the various spiritual types that exist in our community.  My reserch has led me to belive that while humans all have the main seven chakras, other beings do not.  For example astral beings seem to have similar chakras from the solar plexus chakra on.  Angels seem to have from the Heart chakra up.

It has been discussed amongst scholars of the vampiric community that the need to feed is created by the breaking of the energy center in the body.  In the darkborne it has been theorised that perhaps the need to feed is created by the improper alignment of the host soul's chakras with the chakras of the, for lack of better term, guest spirit. 

I have begun to reserch if it is possible to destroy chakras, therby aligning the spirits of my human half with that of Anat.  So far I was able to remove the root chakra.  I have felt no ill effects from this.  I absorbed the energy into higher chakras, and have in fact felt less of a need to indulge in physical desires.  While food and drink still are enjoyable, it is more from a distanced perspective.  I worried that I would feel a loss of the grounding to my physical form, and in a way there is a greater distance between my mind and my body.  My energies are able to be focused more on the needs of my higher self.  I have been more tired of late, but that could be attributed to long work hours, and few hours of rest.  I will continue to moniter my progress before I attempt anymore chakra altering. 

Last Nights Dream

I was walking around some sort of amusement park or fair.  There was this building with an open front that was supposed to be an optical illusion.  When I looked in I saw a tree, then I looked away and saw South American warriors, probably Mayan. I thought it was all the illusion, some horrific scene.  Then three of the men moved and said they were tired of standing there.  Odd.

So I continued on past Jamaican, Chinese, Japanese, and other themed buildings.  I paid little attention, other than thinking I should get a margarita.  But I had a goal and I was not sure what it was.  I entered into a building I was drawn to.  In it was a display of tarot cards that were nothing like the traditional.  Some were Irish Goddesses, some where vampires from history/fiction/actors who played.  There were ouija boards, dice boards for divination (and one set of bloodstone dice I admired), and jewelry of   all sorts of odd natures.  There were quite a few men in the shop, and they all acted like I had to prove I belong.  The proprietor acted like he expected me.  He wanted to help me find my answers.  He had everybody but me leave, and I was  at the end of the counter and there was a table with a display of metal jewelry and a welder.  I touched one of the necklaces, and accidentally bumped the table and the welder fell over.  but I got it picked back up, but burned my fingers.  The propreiter said not to worry about I saught answers that could be found here. 

Then my mom came in and woke me up asking me what time I had to work.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

weird program

<a href="">Accurate personality test</a>

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I think this is the last one I had.. I think

And yet another old blog.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Even older blog

I found it! I think this was my first blog, but I am not so sure. Check it out if you like.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Old Me remembered.

My old blog is located here. It was composed during a trying time of my life. But when I see how honest I have been here I feel the need to share some of this with you, if anyone happens to actually read this.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

One childhood dream came true.

Tuesday was a surreal day for me. Frankie was in town, and we discussed getting lunch via email, but Tuesday morning he called and for the first time in almost ten years I heard his voice. And it was weird. We met up in the old neighborhood, and when I first saw him I was floored. He hasn't changed an iota. When he wrapped me in a tender hug, I was relived that I just felt peace. For the first time ever I was not tongue tied around him. We had sushi and caught up. He asked me about my life, my plans, my daughter. I asked him about his life and plans. He will be in Ohio for one more week, so perhaps we shall meet up again. As we parted ways, he hugged me again, and kissed my cheek. Well really, it was more like my jaw. It felt great being around this person who is so much like me, who I shared so much important parts of my past with. And there was no awkwardness, no unease. Yes, he is still hotter than hell, drop dead gorgeous to be exact. If he was straight or bi, I wouldn't hesitate to flirt with him. And oddly, for a Gay man, a porn star even, he doesn't act it. He doesn't give off that vibe.

In a way though, it is as if a chapter of my life came to a close that day. The childhood dream and the reality face to face. I was kissed on the cheek by Frankie. I think I probably would have died if such a thing had happened when I was a teenager. Now it was just, wow, I didn't feel anything.

Powered by ScribeFire.