Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Readings and Results

As stated in my last post, I had been a bit manic there for the month of February.  Partly, I think, because of the situation with meeting him and having new focus, his ADHD feeding my own random bouncy crazy....gotta GOOOOOO ness. 

There was the meeting online, the taking a risk, a chance.  THE FEAR.  The caught up in newness and hope and feeling that maybe, just maybe for once someone would not see me as their savior...the answer to all their problems being in obtaining me.  Which of course he didn't. For once the good guy rejected me after the communing, but before I got too caught up in hope.  But the rejection hurt. 

And, yeah...I have issues and attract the crazies...and get myself in situations that people say ..."how the helll............"

And of course there were consequences, with me, when can anything ever be simple?

Ironically I think this has a lot to do with the changes I went through as a child. The ones mentioned in Autism and I part 1.  I know that everyone expected me to grow up this perfect beautiful, amazing woman.  My father always said I would be a heartbreaker.  I could bat my eyes at a street vender and get a SOLID silver  I am told my laughter was like bells, and my voice was sweet. 

I went from a poor neighborhood to Orange, a super rich mostly Jewish neighborhood as a poor, chubby girl from a Catholic family.  I was showing signs of Aspergers Syndrome, did not understand sarcasm, I didn't understand how to express myself in written English because it was too illogical.  I was made fun of for having breasts, for being too smart.  I made friends at first, but slowly withdrew more and more into myself, surrounding myself with people who were outcasts...and often times were not the best people to surround myself with.  I let myself get bullied.  I changed into the person THEY thought I should be.  I buried myself in layers of masks and constant dieting...even stopping eating completely for months on end.  I spent most of my senior year of high school drinking nothing but a partial slim fast (1/4 for breakfast 1/4 for lunch...maybe a few bites of dinner which I often would then get sick from eating and throw up, because my system was so out of whack). 

I used to sing.  Quietly and to myself.  Then one day on the playground when I was 12 my friend heard me and started trying to make me sing...shoving paper under my chin to amplify the sound.  I wrote lyrics like crazy...all the time...until a few years ago actually.  But it felt like they were making fun of me.   And as we all got older I formed obsessions over guys I though I should be interested in.  Partly to protect myself...they already called me a dyke.  And every time a guy showed any interest I thought it was a cruel joke. I became who I was...because of expectations of others.  I lost my identity. 

I have constantly reinvented myself over the years, mostly in an attempt to find who I find a way to feel authentic, to feel worthy.  I developed a fear of commitment because I was terrified of loosing myself in someone else.  Because I DO change with every person that enters my life.  My empathic nature means I feel too much of what other people do. 

I could go on and on. 

But let me get to the point.  The complications that arose from him.

I did a reading to see what the long term outcomes would be.

Reading March 3,2014

Question: What will be the outcome of this XXXXXXXX?

Cards used: The Well Worn Path

 The Pentagram Spread

  1. Underlying problem: Book of Shadows

Tradition is the matter at hand. Acknowledge one's life experiences,  particularly those that speak to authenticity. Embrace where you are in life. Look forward to new achievements.  Only half the work is done.

So I interpret this to mean that I am half-way on my path, that I need to face up to who I really am...that so much of me is the masks that I have worn, even my voice is one I created, mimiced so as not to be that girl.  I have been hurt, I have been put on a pedestal, never living up to anyone's expectations of me.  Never feeling anyone ever loved me enough.  Needing validation, and so becoming someone else to protect myself...because it was easier to push someone away, while trying to hold them close than to own up to being scared.  To own up to being afraid that if I ever found my Prince Charming, I wouldn't be who he wanted. See facebook note here

  1. Consequences of situation: Handfasting
This card addresses mating, partnership, and integration. It  speaks of what unites and binds. It can also speak of love and marriage.

 Um...scary...especially since there is the whole twin flames discussion with the best friend.

  1. What direction are you headed in: Water

Process of movement and flow.  When water appears things give way, flow, or dissolve

So I am going to change...
  1. What changes to expect: pentacle

Stability and foundation.  Strength and protection. Endurance and fortitude. Manifestation in the material world.

  1. What holds everything together: As Above, so bellow

Concepts of mirroring. Your life is a reflection of your thoughts and beliefs. Look at the cycles and patterns in your life.  It is time to look clearly at your life.

  1. Outcome of reading: The wheel of the year

Reminds us that everything moves and operates in a cycle. Look for patterns.. Acknowledge your situation or condition and be in harmony with it. Nothing is permanent, existence equals change.

This is how I interpreted the reading when discussing it with the best friend:
If I had this as a reading for someone first question after seeing the cards would be "are you a commitment phobic? "
I see a movement in the direction of reconnecting with desires long suppressed. Moving past issues, because it is the fear of integration that manifests the negative patterns.
I would say that the person was afraid of loosing themselves in someone else, and that is why the fear of commitment exists...not because of fear of rejection or being deserted
I see...
someone who tries to hard to just go with the flow...but in doing so has lost them-self anyway...and now has the chance to FIND them-self.