Monday, July 20, 2015

Taking a chance.

I fall into routines, patterns. 
Loveless intimacy.
Unsatisfying couplings full of kink.

Monday, July 6, 2015

I think I convince myself that I am strong, because I have no choice but to be.
I don't like thinking about the past, I really don't.  I know it doesn't seem that way if you read all my past entries on here.  I seem rather obsessive sometimes.  But, I only tend to write when I am feeling too much to keep in.  And I don't write that often.

But here is the thing....

All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted.

My old therapist says it must be because I was molested by those boys when I was 3.  I don't remember it happening, but I was told it must have happened.  I tend to block things out.  I know having overly sexual parents who would talk about it made it seem over priority.  And it didn't help that my first attraction was to a gay man.  Sorry for bringing that up again Frankie, but well...its proof of my neurosis I think. I mean I had to fake crushes so as not to get bullied for seeming to be a lesbian, long before I even realized I was attracted to some women.

And I mean, hello I lost my virginity the same day I had my first kiss!  I thought and felt like no one would ever love me.  He treated me like crap and I was jealous if he looked at other people,. afraid I would loose my abuser, my rapist.

Yes I have issues.

Gods, I loved Roger so freaking much.  Now, I look back and wish we could have just stayed friends and kept things simple.  Of course I fell for the first guy who treated me nice, and "saw" me. 

And just dealing with the males here, seeing as I am feeling all panic attack ish because of the date and issues and shit, and my male friend brought up that it seems I am so into talking to him, not because of him but becasue he is one of the first guys in a while to actually TALK to me and not try to get in my pants.

But the thing is, I don't fall for the guy who shows me attention with out wanting anything.  I really don't I try to be what that guy wants and it never ever works.

No I fall for the best friend who wants to go road tripping, and needs saved.
I fall for the guy who tells me he has been waiting his whole life for me, I am his soul mate.

I fall for the guy who does want in my pants, but then rather than fucking me...makes love to me.

And I get bored with guys who seem to desperate for me, or worshipful.  I really do...and maybe that is one reason I am so alone.  Because I do punish myself for the rapes, and for the things I have done.  For letting myself do things I know will later make me feel dirty and then doing them just because I feel like its all I deserve.

NO ONE has ever tried to Romance me past hoping in bed.
NO ONE has ever tried to really woo me.

I have scars from the rapes, the abuse, the way I was raised...who wouldn't.  But I have bigger scars from being proposed to all the time, then cheated on.  From giving ALL of myself to another person and being told it meant NOTHING, and when I wouldn't fuck around because I needed emotions to be there YOU WOULDN"T EVEN LISTEN TO ME.  Yes, Roger, I am still sore about that.  I know you think you are in love with me now.  And I know when you are drunk you say you want to marry me, but you have nothing going for you, and you don't act like you care.  You just want me in there.  I became a slut because you made me feel like it was all I was good for.

And then Shawn came along.  And he pursued me for a year.  And acted like I was so out of his reach above him.  And so many people thought he was so hot.   So I was intrigued.  And the first time we make love it was like a freaking romance novel, and so yeah I wanted that.  I wanted the guy who loved me more than anything.  And I clung to it.  And I did fall in love with him, and he hurt me time and time again.  But still, when we were able to be just friends he was that best friend guy.  I could tell him things, and feel safe.  But I have no idea who he even is anymore.  Haven't in years.  And I don't love him anymore.  I feel bad for him sometimes.  But if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't wish he would have stayed. I would have been miserable being lied to and cheated on just so he would stay with me.  I would be miserable having to be faithful to him and never getting what I need in return.

Then out of no where I met Eric on OKC.  And he isn't that good looking or anything but I found him attractive.  And we talked, and I felt close to him.  I let him hold my hand.  And when we were intimate it was like I was the most precious cherished thing in the world.  How could I not loose my heart to a man who needed me, told me I was important to him, told me he loved me, even if just as a friend.  And he kept giving me just enough hope to stick around, to keep putting out.  I became the booty call.  We stopped talking, except when sex was the outcome.  And I kept trying to move on and date or whatever.  But I couldn't do it if he was always there just waiting to give me heaven only to take it way.

And of course it was just so I would put out.
Because I am too weird to date.
I am not attractive enough.
I am a single mother and that isn't attractive.
I am to freaky.
I am bi.

And the moment I say, forget it I am not putting out anymore...lets just be friends...he goes off on how he didn't ask me to fall for him, and now I am calling him an asshole because I can't control my feelings.  And then he blocks me.

He who I told I don't do anal, because I was raped anally and then when I finally gave into Shawn's wanting anal he didn't want me anymore.

He whom I told things to about having been raped and feeling worthless and wanting so badly to just feel and be able to have the ice melt away from my heart...when it did...he didn't want me.

And then after telling me to loose his number, to never contact him again...he blocked me.

Yet another man who claimed to be my soulmate, and just freaking use me.

A man who I thought was my friend, whom I loved who didn't listen didn't care what I felt or what my needs and fears were...he got off so that was all that really mattered, right.

Now he KNOWS not to contact me on my Birthday...even though we hadn't talked in a MONTH....he sends me a booty call message at 1 am last night.  No happy birthday, no I am sorry I was a jerk.  Nope, he sends his typical booty call message on the one day a year I told him I am at my most vulnerble.

So this new friend I think is worried that I will start to fall for him, since I told him I trust him already.  And I do, I feel I can trust him  Of course, I know he can't be "The One" so he is safe.  He isn't going to try to woo me just to get what he wants and as soon as I am all in tear my heart to shreds.  He isn't single! Obviously, its only friendship.  And it feels like real friendship we vent, we talk...he offers me things with out acting like its a big deal...same as I am with friends.  And I so badly want to hang out and do all these things that I need a male friend I can trust to do...I want to dance and be silly, and go to art museums and talk history and go get all filthy in the woods falling down hills and climbing back up.  I want to share parts of me with someone who doesn't see me as an object.