According
to late education researcher Gerald W. Bracey, PhD, qualities that
standardized tests cannot measure include "creativity, critical
thinking, resilience, motivation, persistence, curiosity, endurance,
reliability, enthusiasm, empathy, self-awareness, self-discipline,
leadership, civic-mindedness, courage, compassion, resourcefulness,
sense of beauty, sense of wonder, honesty, integrity."
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
GAH!
7/8/15, 4:14 AM
Pacific Daylight Time
Am I a good person?
Really am I?
I am keeping a secret, even from my best friend. Why? Because I know she wouldn't approve of what I am doing. No one would. Hell, I don't approve of it. I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing. And really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so. But, I mean I threw caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts to the consequences. And why? I have no freaking idea! I mean I have always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me. I trust my gut though, I always have. My head keeps me stuck in my fears and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything. Anything at all. And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small way.
Here is the thing though, my gut says this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????
My heart says, he is off limits. He is just a friend. It will be ok. I know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with it. He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am not over Eric. He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other than friendship. I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is crap. If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves' and the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person. And I mean seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP. Don't ruin your child's life by making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.
So he has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know you. ..I know I thought he was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11 years ago we would have crossed paths. Possibly occasionally as early as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely. Drama Grounds.
I will never forget the first time I went to Common. It was with Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998. And by the time I broke up with MSB in April 1999. He had already been in Juvie for a while at that point. And his friends had been trying to set me up with other people every time I stopped in common. Like this recently recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.
Thank gods J is not JD from that memory...how fucked up would it be if he was. More predestination shit. More fate going you damn fool I keep throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!! Might actually still be that way.
Cause you know what? Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute, chubby dude I told Trish about. Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then fiancee? Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral herpies I would have been like, oh wait...no peace out?
But now I am all just like...I can't help myself. I knew how he would sound before I heard his voice. I knew how his kiss would feel on my neck before we even agreed to meet. And I want to sub for him, and I want to revel in how he makes me feel safe. So safe. Why does he make me feel safe? Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.
UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.
And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.
The face that every fiber of my being says
this is the guy who could keep up with me.
this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.
this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday
this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with
this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for
This is who I want to be my best guy friend. Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries.
Pacific Daylight Time
Am I a good person?
Really am I?
I am keeping a secret, even from my best friend. Why? Because I know she wouldn't approve of what I am doing. No one would. Hell, I don't approve of it. I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing. And really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so. But, I mean I threw caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts to the consequences. And why? I have no freaking idea! I mean I have always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me. I trust my gut though, I always have. My head keeps me stuck in my fears and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything. Anything at all. And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small way.
Here is the thing though, my gut says this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????
My heart says, he is off limits. He is just a friend. It will be ok. I know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with it. He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am not over Eric. He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other than friendship. I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is crap. If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves' and the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person. And I mean seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP. Don't ruin your child's life by making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.
So he has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know you. ..I know I thought he was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11 years ago we would have crossed paths. Possibly occasionally as early as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely. Drama Grounds.
I will never forget the first time I went to Common. It was with Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998. And by the time I broke up with MSB in April 1999. He had already been in Juvie for a while at that point. And his friends had been trying to set me up with other people every time I stopped in common. Like this recently recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.
Thank gods J is not JD from that memory...how fucked up would it be if he was. More predestination shit. More fate going you damn fool I keep throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!! Might actually still be that way.
Cause you know what? Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute, chubby dude I told Trish about. Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then fiancee? Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral herpies I would have been like, oh wait...no peace out?
But now I am all just like...I can't help myself. I knew how he would sound before I heard his voice. I knew how his kiss would feel on my neck before we even agreed to meet. And I want to sub for him, and I want to revel in how he makes me feel safe. So safe. Why does he make me feel safe? Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.
UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.
And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.
The face that every fiber of my being says
this is the guy who could keep up with me.
this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.
this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday
this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with
this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for
This is who I want to be my best guy friend. Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries.
Rebirth of a SG
What the hell was I thinking trying to be something/someone I am not. Long hair is NOT me.
This is me
| Short hair, sassy, and a teasing attitude. |  | ||||||
| did *I* make you have dirty thoughts..for shame |
So what if I have a few more stretch marks from having kids. And my hips are a bit wider, and my Right breast now sags ever so slightly. That I am STILL lactating 3 years after giving birth.
Once upon a time I had the option of anyone I wanted. I turned you away more than once! You were the submissive one, doing anything to make me smile.
I am a Goddess, everyone says so *wink*
And after years of pining, being "good" because I "loved" you, and waiting for you to come to your senses I got two nights of pretty lousy sex, a second kid, and treated like trash.
And for some god awe-full reason I was so damn horny and impatient I fucked the first thing that came my way and tried to convince myself I was in ~love~. Ha.
And then came more celibacy, more desperate need to feed. To touch and tease and torment someone, anyone damn it.
But I swore off Roger. Yes, partially because it seemed to bother you.
But I CAN have better.
I deserve better.
But I let myself end up with Ali. And that was not so good.
And that ended, and I swore no more dating for a while, no men, not going to worry about it. Unless David Tennant shows up.
MMMM.
Or John Simm
But I digress.
I changed my mind, had a night of reminiscent fun with a pre- you ex. But unfortunately, as wonderful, as amazing, as mind blowing as actual love making with someone who really truly loves and cherishes me is...it is just too fucking complicated to be more than a once in a while thing.
And I need sex.
Damn it I NEED it.
I need the trill of the tease, the anticipation and build up prior to any foreplay.
I need the smell of arousal, and the taste of salt on skin.
Long before you ever came to Ohio, Long before I turned the moniker slut, even when my sexual experience could be counted on one hand I had the nickname of Sex Goddess for my wicked mind, my kinky humor, and my teasing ways.
I was Banshee D, the Roll Call Orgy initiator of Gothic Classifieds.
Long before I was a Domme I was getting my way with tease and temptation, back when while my sex life had been adventurous it had been limited to Midnight Stick Boi and absolutely no sexual response at all on my end. Or my one night stand and title of High Priestess of the Nipple Rings. When I learned that I could make someone love me, make someone want me and need me with very very little effort on my part.
And I teased, and I fucked, and I experimented my way through dozens! Dozens! I made gay men cum in their pants with my mouth on their hands. I turned straight women bi-curious. And I can still do these things.
Why the hell am I feeling guilty because I *had* the love of my life.
Why the hell do I feel like part of me is cheating on Amber still even.
And you.
But I never cheated on you.
Time for SG to return...
"Those" damn dreams
10/18/13, 10:34 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
Those damn dreams. The ones that led me to accept Midnight Stick Boi. The ones that kept me going for my lonely childhood, convinced of my own power of prophecy and the awareness that I did have a soul mate out there. A Dark Prince... how foolish a dreamer I was. I created a fantasy around the dreams and visions. I wanted a Barnabas Collins, sexy and powerful and dangerous. My own sexual inclinations had nothing to do with the dreams or the fantasy. The whole time I spend in puppy love/lusting after a gay man. Granted he is a dead sexy gay man...who is wildly popular in his role as a porn icon.
Oh, and having a series of unrequited crushes on totally unsuitable types. That is until I fell in love with my best friends boyfriend at 15. And got the heart ripped right out of me. And then suddenly there was Robert. And he was so much like who I had foreseen. I knew he was too young, and it kinda creep-ed me out at times. And I knew it couldn't be him, because I literally felt NOTHING during sex. But you know as well as I do that it is easy to break down and destroy someone who isn't on a solid base to begin with.
I will always be scared of Robert.
I will always wonder why the hell I found it perfectly rational from the age of six to think that I would grow up to marry a person who had multiple personalities. And how the hell the concept of a faceless lover who I knew to be potentially dangerous and to have an affinity for Demonology and Hacking once served as a comfort to me.
Oh, yes...sweet little innocent Cola...
Dreaming of a tall, dark, and deadly stranger.
I should have been committed then.
Save everyone a few troubled years...
Honesty, revisited
10/18/13, 10:01 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
I
I
think it is pretty safe to say that despite having some issues with
feeling unlovable....bitch is back baby, and better than ever. I can be
blunt, I can be crude, and I am not afraid. Living in the ghetto can
do that to a gal. It is kinda impossible to dress like a dude these
days though. Damn kids ruined it for me... the hips are here to stay,
and the boobs...my gods the boobs are my worst nightmare....I am a
freaking 44DDD. I can't get away from the damn things...
What I want from you:
What I want from you:
What I want from you:
What I want from you:
What I want from you: your mind,
What I want from you:
What I want from you:
Pacific Daylight Time
On April 11, 2009 I poured my heart out to you in honesty on here.
Tonight I revisit that post and update where I stand.
I dream of you often.
I dream of you rarely, but when I do it bothers me. A lot. Because in those dreams I still feel connected to you. Maybe it is my mind connecting with other "me" in other worlds, as each new universe springs up due to our choices. But there is always a sense of loss. We could have been amazing. You are my soul mate. But, the bridge has been burned and I don't even know if I could ever be friends with you again. No matter how much I want to be your friend.
I have been torn up inside trying to fight the
growing feelings and renewed attraction. Gods I want you. But all of
you. Not just sex. Not just playmates. I want to take this friendship
that has grown between us to the next level. I am falling all over
again. I didn't want to. Trust me I didn't plan to feel swept away
again. I want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold
you and be held by you. I want to snuggle and fall asleep holding you
again. I want to wake up with your arms around me. I want to have your
child again, but this time with you by my side. I realize that I
should have married you. I was so wrong. All these years I have been
terrified of committing to someone and being wrong. But I have made a
commitment to you haven't I? I don' t want to loose your friendship.
But I swore I'd not lie to you or hide things from you ever again. I
can't seem to say this to your face, but I want you back! I am afraid
of rejection. I always have been. When it matters. And you matter.
This has nothing to do with our daughter. Don't be afraid to tell me to
never mention this again.
I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I
hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life.
I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date
you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head
sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you.
I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss
intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you
do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out
my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love
with my ex and baby's daddy.
I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life. I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you. I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love with my ex and baby's daddy.
Blah, Blah, Blah...I tried, I got a baby...he is the best little person in the whole wide world and my Avery is my baby boy and so wonderful...and just mine... I only have to share him with Madison. And unlike Madison, who is you but young and female, Avery is more me but young and male in personality. And you know what, I went a hell of a long time after having him to even think " oh wait, I am more than a Mom...I have needs"...and I gave in and took an easy way out...and got in over my head...and realized...even guys who have been obsessed with me for more than half my life, once they 'have me' don't really want me...and I felt so unlovable. So all those lessons I thought I had learned, and then unlearned. Nope... the truth is to men I am just a sex object and love or even affection cannot fit into it or mix with sex. But the older I get the less the idea of sex with out any affection appeals to me. So every single time my impulse was...I should be a lesbian...yeah...I really should...but meeting women is really fucking hard. I wish I was a gay man. At least gay men are sweeties most of the time.
So NO I am not engaged. NO I am not in a relationship and trying to flaunt it at you. NO I am not after a relationship with you. I have sworn off relationships with men...unless David Tennant shows up at my door to sweep me off my feet ( and if you don't know who David Tennant is I pitty you... he is beyond sexy, with a great head of hair and geek...and he was the Doctor...
I feel weak doing this
I feel weak doing this
. I feel brave doing this.
I can't seem to
find the cocky woman I was and just take what I want.
I
think it is pretty safe to say that despite having some issues with
feeling unlovable....bitch is back baby, and better than ever. I can be
blunt, I can be crude, and I am not afraid. Living in the ghetto can
do that to a gal. It is kinda impossible to dress like a dude these
days though. Damn kids ruined it for me... the hips are here to stay,
and the boobs...my gods the boobs are my worst nightmare....I am a
freaking 44DDD. I can't get away from the damn things...
If I could I
would have kissed you last week. I would have told you that I wanted
you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for pushing and pulling at
the same time.
Blah, Blah, Blah...we played our game. That is what it really is. I try to get a rise out of you, you try to get a rise out of me. We talk around shit instead of dealing with it head on. Even when we are nekid and your dick was up my ass, we never really resolved anything...ergo ...all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put us back together again.
oooh...witty, I like that.
hehe.
When it all comes down to the brutal honest truth, I really don't think you would have wanted it any other way. And I think that is why you throw yourself into the messes you do. I sure as hell do the same thing, and in that way maybe we are just too much alike. We need validation but we also need a challenge. But instead of manifesting in a healthy way...say showing love and reaffirming affection we tend to be insecure in those areas and instead reaffirm physical lust and sexuality and try to make loving us more difficult than it needs to be to pose that challenge we long for. Perhaps, it is a manifestation of the lack of love we both received as children from our actual parents, both of us being raised more by Grandparents who showed love in a more reserved fashion. Perhaps it is that we both had to be adults before our time and never really learned how to casually date, or to be in anything other than a doomed or purely sexual relationship. And, this is starting to sound like therapist case notes.
I want you to succeed in life. Well, why not. I loved you once with all of my being. Even when I am feeling particularly vicious and mean spirited, I still want you to succeed. I might not want you to be happy (sometimes I like to imagine you have everything you could ever want but are miserable), but I want you to succeed.
I want to be with you
till we are old and grey. I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked again.
Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel like you are not sure what you
want. But that you are still drawn to me.
Reading some of this I start to picture Charlie Brown's teacher "woh woh woh"...So many words with out really saying much at all.
What I want from you:everything I
would like the friendship we once had back...where you can tell me all
about the men you shag, and I could wax poetic about some blond chick's
bum. Sigh.
But I want you to be there for Madison.
What I want from you: the husband you once promised to be While
in some alternative version of reality, we know this happened based on
many worlds theory...the idea of it even being remotely possible in this
world was crushed from my mind and heart on Jan 2, 2010.
What I want from you: monogamy
I don't think there is a version of us in ANY universe that is
completely monogamous. I think any version of me would always be
cheering you on for getting laid by some hot gay dude.
What I want from you: to know that I am the only one. You proved pretty effectively that I was not.
What I want from you: your mind, soul, and heart I miss your mind. Twisted and Geeky and so much fun sometimes.
What I want from you: My shawn. doesn't exist anymore My Prince. Was a fantasy of a six year old girl. I am pretty sure you just tried to be the person I wanted back in 03/04
My lover, Each
time we have hooked up the actual experience diminishes in
enjoyability. It went from "oh gods, I see stars" to "oh, gods, I wish
he would just cum already"
friend,
and soulmate I am still of the opinion that you are my soulmate...but that in practical terms that and a dollar will get me a candy bar.
What I want from you: a son Have
my son now. Honestly, I kinda think it was a self fulfilling
prophecy. In Dec of 08 I had a dream we had a baby and it was a boy and
that his existence would some how relate to Christmas. I was pretty
open and honest that I did want another kid with you. And that I wanted
a little boy. I now have a second child, who is a perfect little
boy.
OOOh...lightbulb moment....do you feel that I only ever tried to get back with you in 09 so that I could have a baby? Does all of this come down to the fact that I wanted a son, and I got a son. And that unlike with Madison I have never pushed you to know him? That Avery has no father legally, I have never asked for a DNA test, or anything? That he is Avery Jones.....my heir essentially?
Holy Guacamole Batman!
I promised you I would never keep a kid from you. I knew you had said you wanted to have a son with me. Other than sharing a picture of an ultrasound with you, that showed it was a boy...I never tried to share the pregnancy/him with you.
But to be fair, you never really gave me the chance to. And you run away from Madison. And tell everyone Avery couldn't possibly be yours.
Ok...well this is Avery Morgan Jones:
what I want from you: the life you promised once.
what I want from you: you
what I want from you: will you be mine?
What I want from you: to be yours.
So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.
Happy?
So whats your response?
what I want from you: the life you promised once.
what I want from you: you
what I want from you: will you be mine?
What I want from you: to be yours.
So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.
Happy?
So whats your response?
Questions Revisited
10/18/13, 9:00 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
In 2009 I posted a list of questions on here. Months before we did the same ol' song and dance that we always seem to do. And with Amber stating that you just keep saying that I know why you hate me, when I really don't...nor does she...or it seems anyone but you...well I looked back at those questions to see if I ever figured out any of the answers.
Questions I need answers to:
Do you love me?
I think it is pretty clear at this point that the answer was that you
did originally, and that a part of you held on to that feeling. If you
hadn't loved me, you wouldn't hate me now.
What do you want from me?
Are you still afraid I'd cheat? I
think it is pretty clear that you think you had/have me whipped. I
really think that half of the hell we have been through in the last 9
years was because you felt the need to test me. I still don't get what
is so hard to understand about my feelings on polygamy. I only ever
date/be intimate with/whatever one MALE at a time, I prefer to have a
male AND a female partner. I encouraged you to have a male partner of
your own if you so desired, seems pretty self-explanatory.
Why do you play games with me?
Is it that I am not a sub? You seemed more than happy when I took charge so I know this wasn't the issue.
Do you want to do mutual blood-play again?
Would you let me burn you, cut you, drink you in? N/A
Do you want to tie me up, beat me, make me beg? N/A
Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for?
Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?
Do you want to break me?
Do you miss fucking me?
Do you miss making love to me?
Do you want me to have your baby all over again? I think this might be the crux of the problem. We fuck, I start vomiting at the smell of coffee, take a bunch of pregnancy tests, they come back negative. You act like a jerk, I got my "needs" taken care of elsewhere in a hormonal truly epic fail manor. Find out I was indeed pregnant late January...1st doc insists I conceived post Dec 23, I believe said doctor...only to find out at Ultra Sound time that I was much further along. I screwed up like major epic scale by insisting that the baby wasn't yours at first only to find out later that there was no way humanly possible it could have been the Pedo's.
Do you still dream of getting married?
Do you want me to want you? I am still curious about this...is that the problem? Do you hate me because I didn't seem to want you enough? Is it that I never really needed you?
Do you want to know what I want?
Will you fight me for the right to take me?
Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak?
Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?
Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?
Will you make me give up my own kinks?
Will you let me take care of you?
Will you take care of me?
Do you know how much your tag line says to me?
Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?
Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?
Do you realize I am falling all over again?
What are you waiting for?
Will you be true to me?
Will you promise that I won't regret it?
Can I commit to you?
Do you know I am torn with these feelings?
Do you still think deep down that I am the one?
Why can't I tie you up?
Would you let me worship you with my tounge?
Do you know I have been celibate for you?
Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?
Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?
Don't you get I am jealous?
Do you know that I value your friendship?
Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter? Hello? I tried to stay friends with you even after everything fell apart yet again. I have always, always tried to make sure you and Madison could have a relationship. She needs her daddy.
Will you claim me if we get back together?
Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?
Be mine?
Take me?
Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?
Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?
Do you realize that its always been you?
Even when I didn't know it?
Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?
Do you think it had to happen this way?
Can third time be a charm?
Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?
Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?
Do you know that I tried to move on?
Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?
Do you know how terrified this makes me?
Do you get what I want from you yet?
We, or more like, I tried really hard this last time. I was 100% ready for a monogamous committed relationship. I was more than ready to say those two little words and made a legal binding commitment. And then you lied to me. You left my bed and our family Christmas day to go fuck some other chick, hours after being intimate with me. And I realized then and there, I was done. I could never be intimate with you again. We would never be able to bring back the love we had shared in the beginning. I knew I would always care about you. And I wanted to be your friend. Hell, I took you to take your drivers test. I tried my damnedest to be a good friend.
And still the head games.
Everything else came before Madison.
Your male friend that was always around at that time told me you threatened him that I belonged to you and that he wasn't even allowed to talk to me or compliment me.
Then one day you just seem to freaking loose it. You yell about not loving the kids...MADISON HEARS YOU, creating the beginnings of some serious mental heath issues for years to come.
And then poof, suddenly you are gone. No idea where you are.
Until one day I log on to fetlife and see a "friend" commented on some chick's status congrats for getting engaged to you.
And I continuously see pictures of said chick's funky stuff pasted all over my feed until I deleted the person who was liking and commenting.
And I started to feel pity for you.
Pacific Daylight Time
In 2009 I posted a list of questions on here. Months before we did the same ol' song and dance that we always seem to do. And with Amber stating that you just keep saying that I know why you hate me, when I really don't...nor does she...or it seems anyone but you...well I looked back at those questions to see if I ever figured out any of the answers.
Questions I need answers to:
What do you want from me?
Why do you play games with me?
Do you want to do mutual blood-play again?
Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for?
Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?
Do you miss fucking me?
Do you miss making love to me?
Do you want me to have your baby all over again? I think this might be the crux of the problem. We fuck, I start vomiting at the smell of coffee, take a bunch of pregnancy tests, they come back negative. You act like a jerk, I got my "needs" taken care of elsewhere in a hormonal truly epic fail manor. Find out I was indeed pregnant late January...1st doc insists I conceived post Dec 23, I believe said doctor...only to find out at Ultra Sound time that I was much further along. I screwed up like major epic scale by insisting that the baby wasn't yours at first only to find out later that there was no way humanly possible it could have been the Pedo's.
Do you still dream of getting married?
Do you want me to want you? I am still curious about this...is that the problem? Do you hate me because I didn't seem to want you enough? Is it that I never really needed you?
Do you want to know what I want?
Will you fight me for the right to take me?
Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak?
Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?
Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?
Will you make me give up my own kinks?
Will you let me take care of you?
Will you take care of me?
Do you know how much your tag line says to me?
Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?
Do you realize I am falling all over again?
What are you waiting for?
Will you be true to me?
Will you promise that I won't regret it?
Can I commit to you?
Do you know I am torn with these feelings?
Why can't I tie you up?
Would you let me worship you with my tounge?
Do you know I have been celibate for you?
Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?
Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?
Don't you get I am jealous?
Do you know that I value your friendship?
Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter? Hello? I tried to stay friends with you even after everything fell apart yet again. I have always, always tried to make sure you and Madison could have a relationship. She needs her daddy.
Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?
Be mine?
Take me?
Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?
Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?
Do you realize that its always been you?
Even when I didn't know it?
Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?
Do you think it had to happen this way?
Can third time be a charm?
Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?
Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?
Do you know that I tried to move on?
Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?
Do you know how terrified this makes me?
Do you get what I want from you yet?
We, or more like, I tried really hard this last time. I was 100% ready for a monogamous committed relationship. I was more than ready to say those two little words and made a legal binding commitment. And then you lied to me. You left my bed and our family Christmas day to go fuck some other chick, hours after being intimate with me. And I realized then and there, I was done. I could never be intimate with you again. We would never be able to bring back the love we had shared in the beginning. I knew I would always care about you. And I wanted to be your friend. Hell, I took you to take your drivers test. I tried my damnedest to be a good friend.
And still the head games.
Everything else came before Madison.
Your male friend that was always around at that time told me you threatened him that I belonged to you and that he wasn't even allowed to talk to me or compliment me.
Then one day you just seem to freaking loose it. You yell about not loving the kids...MADISON HEARS YOU, creating the beginnings of some serious mental heath issues for years to come.
And then poof, suddenly you are gone. No idea where you are.
Until one day I log on to fetlife and see a "friend" commented on some chick's status congrats for getting engaged to you.
And I continuously see pictures of said chick's funky stuff pasted all over my feed until I deleted the person who was liking and commenting.
And I started to feel pity for you.
Here we go again. Can you tell me its ok?
Another
4/12/13, 6:44 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
I haven't been sleeping well recently, I had a bit of a problem with my teeth. Lost a filling and had it decay to the point of a nerve being exposed. And getting it fixed caused major TMJ problems. Finally got everything sorted out though. Why am I telling you this? Because last night was the first night I really slept in a while. And it was a deep sleep, all the walls down, not a single shield. And when I woke up I could smell you, and I started to reach out for you, before I realized it was a dream and you were not there.
It was one of those odd dreams that I have before you show back up. Where its like half my dream, half yours. You were at some weird hotel like building and you were drunk and sick, and some guy named James called me to take care of you. I get there and you are passed out on a bed, drunk covered in your own vomit and piss. I cleaned you up, and tucked you in. You grabbed my wrist and pulled me into you. Holding me tight and giving me the sweetest kiss. The next part of the dream was you waking up, angry that I was there, until you realized that I was the one to take care of you. You yelled at me, raged and threw accusations about how I made you into the jerk and womanizer you became. That it was my fault. That all you ever wanted was me, and a simple life. But I had to hurt you and hide things from you. I had to keep telling you over and over that I wouldn't marry you. And how was that supposed to make you feel. I cried and told you that I know, and don't you think that it eats at me every single day of my life. That my fears ruined the best thing to ever happen to me. That I always felt like you loved the image of me, not the real me. That just like everyone else you would grow tired of my insecurities and neurosis and run away. That you wanted the confidant woman that I pretended to be, not the vulnerable woman who just wants to fit in and belong.
Waking up from that feeling that you are with me, and then discovering it was just another dream kinda hurt. So I have been depressed today.
And what do I do when I am depressed? Watch Romantic Comedy to feel worse about myself.
So here I am having watched a stupid RomCom, and it just is so much ironic "The Jerk Theory" and I see us in the mistakes they made. Here is the song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDyCdIE8zwE
Pacific Daylight Time
I haven't been sleeping well recently, I had a bit of a problem with my teeth. Lost a filling and had it decay to the point of a nerve being exposed. And getting it fixed caused major TMJ problems. Finally got everything sorted out though. Why am I telling you this? Because last night was the first night I really slept in a while. And it was a deep sleep, all the walls down, not a single shield. And when I woke up I could smell you, and I started to reach out for you, before I realized it was a dream and you were not there.
It was one of those odd dreams that I have before you show back up. Where its like half my dream, half yours. You were at some weird hotel like building and you were drunk and sick, and some guy named James called me to take care of you. I get there and you are passed out on a bed, drunk covered in your own vomit and piss. I cleaned you up, and tucked you in. You grabbed my wrist and pulled me into you. Holding me tight and giving me the sweetest kiss. The next part of the dream was you waking up, angry that I was there, until you realized that I was the one to take care of you. You yelled at me, raged and threw accusations about how I made you into the jerk and womanizer you became. That it was my fault. That all you ever wanted was me, and a simple life. But I had to hurt you and hide things from you. I had to keep telling you over and over that I wouldn't marry you. And how was that supposed to make you feel. I cried and told you that I know, and don't you think that it eats at me every single day of my life. That my fears ruined the best thing to ever happen to me. That I always felt like you loved the image of me, not the real me. That just like everyone else you would grow tired of my insecurities and neurosis and run away. That you wanted the confidant woman that I pretended to be, not the vulnerable woman who just wants to fit in and belong.
Waking up from that feeling that you are with me, and then discovering it was just another dream kinda hurt. So I have been depressed today.
And what do I do when I am depressed? Watch Romantic Comedy to feel worse about myself.
So here I am having watched a stupid RomCom, and it just is so much ironic "The Jerk Theory" and I see us in the mistakes they made. Here is the song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDyCdIE8zwE
I need someone to talk to
From hidden blog to Shawn
I haven't written to you in a long time. Things have gotten really
bad, out of control. I swore I was over everything to do with you after
you said you didn't love Madison. And I know I screwed up, we both
did. We have trouble communicating and we are both so stubborn and
caught up in being who we think we are and who at times we think the
other one wants. But when I am scared, when I am lost I still have the
instinct to turn to you first.
And I have been dreaming about you again. Those dreams where I can feel your presence. The ones I normally have before you show back up in my life. And I talked to Amber. She told me what is going on, and I am glad that you are happy and have reconciled with your family. I worry of course, because of everything you have ever told me. I hope you are safe, and loved. It does concern me that you told Amber you were going to go for custody of "Madison and the other little one". That other little one's name is Avery. He is two years old now. He is developmentally delayed, at first the doctors thought it was because of the screw up with the due date, and him being two weeks over due, possibly more they said. There is a chance that I really was pregnant from Dec. 3 and that all those tests were wrong. But he is a beautiful little boy, so cute and charming. But the doctors also say it is probably autism. Madison is probably autistic too. I keep telling her doctors that she needs tested for other stuff, but they wont listen. But she hears things. Sees things too. She is so grown up. So full of arrogance. She is such your daughter. She refers to you as "my real father", and says that she knows you don't love her but she misses you.
I was really stupid recently. I am sure you have heard through the grapevine that I am living in Public Housing now. Waiting on my court date for SSDI. The menire's has gotten a lot worse. But that is not why I was stupid. I slept with Aladar. I knew he was in love with me, and I went ahead and slept with him any way. And then it turned into a thing. And it was supposed to just be a thing. He knows, after all, I don't really do romantic love anymore. Everyone knows I always say the father of my children was the love of my life, but it didn't work out. But, I still have needs. And Aladar wooed me, so I eventually gave in. And we became a couple. He knew I loved him only as a companion. But the kids adored him. Avery calls him Dada, and Madison started calling him daddy.
But he wouldn't be Daddy. He would snuggle Avery, and tell Madison he loves her. But he yells so much, screams at them. And breaks promises. And then yesterday I was loosing it. Madison was being so bad, and I wanted to take her to the hospital. And then go myself for chest pains. I made some threats, but told Ali I was going to drop Avery with him until he could leave his Grandmother's. He asked for the keys to pick up Avery's stuff. I told him I can't do that, I will leave the keys with the office and have them give them to him to stay here with Avery. He said he will pick up Avery and Madison and they can live at his Grandmother's. I said no way. Madison is going off about how she is being bad to make him come back because he is only around when she is bad, even though he only yells. And that She doesn't think he is her daddy, he is fake daddy. Ali says I am not a fake dad. I say, you are not their biological father, you are not their adoptive father, or their step-father. If you are going to be dad then you have to BE dad. You have to commit to them, and put their needs first. You have to have a schedule and not this random here sometimes gone then back. He says give me a chance to be dad. I am coming to get them. I said, you should come to stay with them. Or don't come at all. You are not taking my children.
Hours go by, I text him if he can't commit to what he tells everyone is his family, then this is not going to work out. That we can't go back from this and to think because if he can't commit then I don't think there should be any contact anymore.
Avery tires calling him while upset. No answer. He calls finally and says that he is still at Grandmother's because he collapsed to the floor and is having vertigo. He can't move, and is trying to get his heart to still and has been since we last spoke. I say call 911 I will get help. Hang up, call his mom to tell her to rush over there. to help them. I hear her close a door and set down her keys. I just left there she says. Ali left at 6, he said he was going to your house.
So it is over. He lied to my kids. And that is a deal breaker. I don't care if I am dying from a heart attack, I will do what I have to for my kids when I have to. And I have no idea what is more important and why he lied, but I am done. DONE. Madison says someday I will meet someone who is right for me. But I can't do this anymore. I really can't. These kids need a father. But I can't give them a replacement. And it is not fair to have them be attached to people who are not going to be there for them.
Madison needs, well you. I wish there was a way of you having visitation. Just you and her. Its what she needs.
12/30/12, 10:41 AM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
And I have been dreaming about you again. Those dreams where I can feel your presence. The ones I normally have before you show back up in my life. And I talked to Amber. She told me what is going on, and I am glad that you are happy and have reconciled with your family. I worry of course, because of everything you have ever told me. I hope you are safe, and loved. It does concern me that you told Amber you were going to go for custody of "Madison and the other little one". That other little one's name is Avery. He is two years old now. He is developmentally delayed, at first the doctors thought it was because of the screw up with the due date, and him being two weeks over due, possibly more they said. There is a chance that I really was pregnant from Dec. 3 and that all those tests were wrong. But he is a beautiful little boy, so cute and charming. But the doctors also say it is probably autism. Madison is probably autistic too. I keep telling her doctors that she needs tested for other stuff, but they wont listen. But she hears things. Sees things too. She is so grown up. So full of arrogance. She is such your daughter. She refers to you as "my real father", and says that she knows you don't love her but she misses you.
I was really stupid recently. I am sure you have heard through the grapevine that I am living in Public Housing now. Waiting on my court date for SSDI. The menire's has gotten a lot worse. But that is not why I was stupid. I slept with Aladar. I knew he was in love with me, and I went ahead and slept with him any way. And then it turned into a thing. And it was supposed to just be a thing. He knows, after all, I don't really do romantic love anymore. Everyone knows I always say the father of my children was the love of my life, but it didn't work out. But, I still have needs. And Aladar wooed me, so I eventually gave in. And we became a couple. He knew I loved him only as a companion. But the kids adored him. Avery calls him Dada, and Madison started calling him daddy.
But he wouldn't be Daddy. He would snuggle Avery, and tell Madison he loves her. But he yells so much, screams at them. And breaks promises. And then yesterday I was loosing it. Madison was being so bad, and I wanted to take her to the hospital. And then go myself for chest pains. I made some threats, but told Ali I was going to drop Avery with him until he could leave his Grandmother's. He asked for the keys to pick up Avery's stuff. I told him I can't do that, I will leave the keys with the office and have them give them to him to stay here with Avery. He said he will pick up Avery and Madison and they can live at his Grandmother's. I said no way. Madison is going off about how she is being bad to make him come back because he is only around when she is bad, even though he only yells. And that She doesn't think he is her daddy, he is fake daddy. Ali says I am not a fake dad. I say, you are not their biological father, you are not their adoptive father, or their step-father. If you are going to be dad then you have to BE dad. You have to commit to them, and put their needs first. You have to have a schedule and not this random here sometimes gone then back. He says give me a chance to be dad. I am coming to get them. I said, you should come to stay with them. Or don't come at all. You are not taking my children.
Hours go by, I text him if he can't commit to what he tells everyone is his family, then this is not going to work out. That we can't go back from this and to think because if he can't commit then I don't think there should be any contact anymore.
Avery tires calling him while upset. No answer. He calls finally and says that he is still at Grandmother's because he collapsed to the floor and is having vertigo. He can't move, and is trying to get his heart to still and has been since we last spoke. I say call 911 I will get help. Hang up, call his mom to tell her to rush over there. to help them. I hear her close a door and set down her keys. I just left there she says. Ali left at 6, he said he was going to your house.
So it is over. He lied to my kids. And that is a deal breaker. I don't care if I am dying from a heart attack, I will do what I have to for my kids when I have to. And I have no idea what is more important and why he lied, but I am done. DONE. Madison says someday I will meet someone who is right for me. But I can't do this anymore. I really can't. These kids need a father. But I can't give them a replacement. And it is not fair to have them be attached to people who are not going to be there for them.
Madison needs, well you. I wish there was a way of you having visitation. Just you and her. Its what she needs.
He Wrote Me
Another post aimed to Shawn from old hidden blog
Not long after my mom died a lot of people I hadn't talked to in a while paid attention to my facebook. Then one day I get a message and a friend request from Robert. I denied it of course. How dare he think that he can try to befriend me when he RAPED me 10 years ago. How dare he have his mother try to add me, to follow me on twitter. To find out what I am doing. I swear if he comes anywhere near me or my children I will have him arrested.
Gods, I wish the man I knew you once were was here with me. To hold me through this, to make me feel safe. How can I deal with a psycho on my own. I have so much going on. I just wish you hadn't pulled your disappearing act. I wish you were still you.
9/14/11, 6:05 AM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
Not long after my mom died a lot of people I hadn't talked to in a while paid attention to my facebook. Then one day I get a message and a friend request from Robert. I denied it of course. How dare he think that he can try to befriend me when he RAPED me 10 years ago. How dare he have his mother try to add me, to follow me on twitter. To find out what I am doing. I swear if he comes anywhere near me or my children I will have him arrested.
Gods, I wish the man I knew you once were was here with me. To hold me through this, to make me feel safe. How can I deal with a psycho on my own. I have so much going on. I just wish you hadn't pulled your disappearing act. I wish you were still you.
The man that I fear...(Truth about)
Please note this post was written in 2009, and addressed to my ex Shawn.
/steelblueskies
It really scares me that he lives near by. I am terrified of this man. We met when I was 17, and he was 15. I was his latin tutor. He was 6'1", skinny, long dark hair, goth, liked swords, used a line on me about my last name being Jones, he loved computers, rebuilt mine for me. I bought him a sword. He was kinky, and liked to experiment with various things. We lost our virginity to each other, were handfasted. He was schizophrenic and DID. His mom was psycho and always in love with and pulling a scam on another man. I'd get so mad when other women came near him I saw red. He was abusive. He forced me to have anal sex with him. He raped me when I was sick. He would choke me at times. I feared for my life. I didn't break up with him until he was in Juvinile hall.
I forgave him the summer I was away at feild school. I had been engaged to Mike Beasley by this point, and we were taking a "break" to sow wild oats and make sure we wanted to get married. Robert came to stay with me some how or another...It seems vauge now. He pushed my good nature to the limit however, and I drove him out. We stayed in contact online, however and he moved into the Kheperu townhouse. Thats how I know all of them. Almost a year later, after Mike and I broke up, and I dated some chicks, I met Matt Nowalanic and got really into him for a while, started dating him post break up with Steph. He was Robert's best friend. Robert showed up at my dorm room to take Matt away. When he got kicked out of Kraperu, he moved in with my mom's then fiancee John Boyle. When I dropped out I moved in there too. Robert at this point was just a friend. He knew I had a series of girlfriends, and didn't have any intrest in men. (In my mind by this point I realized he wasn't the guy from my dreams long since and had given up hope of finding my dream lover, my dark prince so I might as well be gay right?). On my 21'st birthday I had a party at Tyr. Robert was my DD since he was only 19 at the time. Alidar was there. So was my then GF, Sarah January. My friend Tabitha (who alidar was in love with) and her boyfriend felt me up on the dance floor. I got wasted and blacked out. Three months later I found out Robert took me home and had sex with my unconcious body. I was pregnant. I freaked the fuck out. I didn't know it was him until the night before I lost the baby. I ran and hid from him. I never felt safe at my grandmother's when he was in Ohio. I panic still everytime I see a car like he drove.
Its part of the reason why I moved in so quickly with Paul and Airic. Why I let the relationship with Airic get so serious. Why I flipped out when he grabbed me by the throat and threw me. I mean, the whole coaking while having sex was ok, but being lifted by the neck very not cool.
So I hope this explains a bit of my parinoias. A bit about why I had no intrest in Kryptmo (you reminded me of Chaos aka Robert). I was drawn into being in a horrid relationship that was utterly abusive and all because I thought I had found the guy that had been coming into my dreams for years. Now note how many charachteristics he shares with you. Granted you are dead sexy and brilliant, and he is midnight stick boi and looks scary. But all the same, it freaks me out sometimes. But I realise thats just because you ARE that guy I used to dream about. And while I have alwasy been turned on by the idea of anal sex, it scares me. I never wanted to have anal with Robert. He forced me. I have NEVER had willing anal sex.
That is something I am saving for, well you, if you'll have me.
This was directly imported from Musings to my Past private blog
/steelblueskies
It really scares me that he lives near by. I am terrified of this man. We met when I was 17, and he was 15. I was his latin tutor. He was 6'1", skinny, long dark hair, goth, liked swords, used a line on me about my last name being Jones, he loved computers, rebuilt mine for me. I bought him a sword. He was kinky, and liked to experiment with various things. We lost our virginity to each other, were handfasted. He was schizophrenic and DID. His mom was psycho and always in love with and pulling a scam on another man. I'd get so mad when other women came near him I saw red. He was abusive. He forced me to have anal sex with him. He raped me when I was sick. He would choke me at times. I feared for my life. I didn't break up with him until he was in Juvinile hall.
I forgave him the summer I was away at feild school. I had been engaged to Mike Beasley by this point, and we were taking a "break" to sow wild oats and make sure we wanted to get married. Robert came to stay with me some how or another...It seems vauge now. He pushed my good nature to the limit however, and I drove him out. We stayed in contact online, however and he moved into the Kheperu townhouse. Thats how I know all of them. Almost a year later, after Mike and I broke up, and I dated some chicks, I met Matt Nowalanic and got really into him for a while, started dating him post break up with Steph. He was Robert's best friend. Robert showed up at my dorm room to take Matt away. When he got kicked out of Kraperu, he moved in with my mom's then fiancee John Boyle. When I dropped out I moved in there too. Robert at this point was just a friend. He knew I had a series of girlfriends, and didn't have any intrest in men. (In my mind by this point I realized he wasn't the guy from my dreams long since and had given up hope of finding my dream lover, my dark prince so I might as well be gay right?). On my 21'st birthday I had a party at Tyr. Robert was my DD since he was only 19 at the time. Alidar was there. So was my then GF, Sarah January. My friend Tabitha (who alidar was in love with) and her boyfriend felt me up on the dance floor. I got wasted and blacked out. Three months later I found out Robert took me home and had sex with my unconcious body. I was pregnant. I freaked the fuck out. I didn't know it was him until the night before I lost the baby. I ran and hid from him. I never felt safe at my grandmother's when he was in Ohio. I panic still everytime I see a car like he drove.
Its part of the reason why I moved in so quickly with Paul and Airic. Why I let the relationship with Airic get so serious. Why I flipped out when he grabbed me by the throat and threw me. I mean, the whole coaking while having sex was ok, but being lifted by the neck very not cool.
So I hope this explains a bit of my parinoias. A bit about why I had no intrest in Kryptmo (you reminded me of Chaos aka Robert). I was drawn into being in a horrid relationship that was utterly abusive and all because I thought I had found the guy that had been coming into my dreams for years. Now note how many charachteristics he shares with you. Granted you are dead sexy and brilliant, and he is midnight stick boi and looks scary. But all the same, it freaks me out sometimes. But I realise thats just because you ARE that guy I used to dream about. And while I have alwasy been turned on by the idea of anal sex, it scares me. I never wanted to have anal with Robert. He forced me. I have NEVER had willing anal sex.
That is something I am saving for, well you, if you'll have me.
This was directly imported from Musings to my Past private blog
4/11/09, 10:20 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
Self Exposure: A decade later
So ok, wow. Its been a decade. More than. And this was written what feels like forever ago. But I am trying to let go an not keep the weight of baggage I no longer need. I was in and out of love with Shawn so often, it made my head spin. I was convinced later on that I was under a love spell the whole time. But I wanted that feeling of safety he gave me when he was my closest friend back so bad so often. I wrote this and posted it on a private blog.
So here it is, me at 29 being dumb and naive and pouring my heart out to someone who wanted me to be something, someone I was not.
To Valik pt 1 Just Questions
4/11/09, 7:58 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
Questions I need answers to:
Do you love me?
What do you want from me?
Are you still afraid I'd cheat?
Why do you play games with me?
Is it that I am not a sub?
Do you want to do mutual bloodplay again?
Would you let me burn you, cut you, drink you in?
Do you want to tie me up, beat me, make me beg?
Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for?
Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?
Do you want to break me?
Do you miss fucking me?
Do you miss making love to me?
Do you want me to have your baby all over again?
Do you still dream of getting married?
Do you want me to want you?
Do you want to know what I want?
Will you fight me for the right to take me?
Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak?
Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?
Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?
Will you make me give up my own kinks?
Will you let me take care of you?
Will you take care of me?
Do you know how much your tag line says to me?
Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?
Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?
Do you realize I am falling all over again?
What are you waiting for?
Will you be true to me?
Will you promise that I won't regret it?
Can I commit to you?
Do you know I am torn with these feelings?
Is this being honest enough with you?
Do you still think deep down that I am the one?
Why can't I tie you up?
Would you let me worship you with my tounge?
Do you know I have been celibate for you?
Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?
Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?
Don't you get I am jealous?
Do you know that I value your friendship?
Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter?
Will you claim me if we get back together?
Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?
Be mine?
Take me?
Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?
Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?
Do you realize that its always been you?
Even when I didn't know it?
Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?
Do you think it had to happen this way?
Can third time be a charm?
Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?
Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?
Do you know that I tried to move on?
Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?
Do you know how terrified this makes me?
Do you get what I want from you yet?
Hows that for a start?
To Valik pt 2 Honesty.
4/11/09, 8:26 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life. I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you. I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love with my ex and baby's daddy.
I feel weak doing this. I feel brave doing this. I can't seem to find the cocky woman I was and just take what I want. If I could I would have kissed you last week. I would have told you that I wanted you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for pushing and pulling at the same time.
I want you to succeed in life. I want to be with you till we are old and grey. I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked again. Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel like you are not sure what you want. But that you are still drawn to me.
What I want from you:everything
What I want from you: the husband you once promised to be
What I want from you: monogamy
What I want from you: to know that I am the only one.
What I want from you: your mind, soul, and heart
What I want from you: My shawn. My Prince. My lover, friend, and soulmate
What I want from you: a son
what I want from you: the life you promised once.
what I want from you: you
what I want from you: will you be mine?
What I want from you: to be yours.
So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.
Happy?
So whats your response?
Three Opinions: A Third Grade Journal Prompt, and response
1. Thai is the most enjoyable food, because it has a variety of
interesting flavor combinations. Pad Thai is one of my favorite dishes,
but there is this coconut shrimp appetizer I had that also has lime. I
don't know the name of it, but it is the single best taste I ever
experienced. Thai iced tea is also amazingly yummy.
2. British shows are of a higher quality than American television. For one thing, they have far less advertising, even product placement with in a show is much more subtle. The kids shows are much more innocent and age appropriate humor. I feel comfortable letting my children watch British shows like Sherlock, even when I wouldn't let them watch a US show that is rated TV-13.
3. The digital age is ruining children. I grew up as part of the first generation to have computers in school. Not only did it change the way I learned, but it took away from focus on such skills as having legible handwriting, being able to check my own grammar and spelling (even here I rely on that little red underline). Seeing how things are now with my own children, who struggle to write by hand even simple paragraphs, and type with the hunt and peck method but can dictate flawlessly...just goes to show how skills are being lost and the replacement skills are not necessarily ones that will take you far in life.
This journal entry was being done in tandem with an assignment my daughter who is in third grade was working on. Same prompt, she had to hand write her answers, and not be as detailed. I have typed this all out in less than 7 minutes, and she has at this point written next to the number 1 that is pre- printed in her school journal "pizza ". She is staring blankly at a page not able to express a thought in a complex way, while I am still free flow thoughts just typing this out, and trying to catch any flaws in my ideas and self edit for readablilty as I go. Yes, I am catching things like lowercase when I should have uppercase and imediatly going back and correcting it. I am, waiting to go and correct spelling errors, but I am aware that the are there, and able to be fixed. In the old days, we had to worry so much more because if this was a handwritten entry, any corrections would make it harder to read. Legibility was as important as ability to understand the thought presented. Now, kids can just speak into a mic and be done. There are books available for sale on Amazon that have less editing for content (let alone spelling and grammar) then my Seventh Grade term paper required!
Is it than any wonder that the lack of skills, the lack of real world culture and appreciation, the lack of hard work...people older than I, and I am only 34 and look at the world with a cynical eye, have no hope for the future?
Alas, we live in a world of disposable people. And all this becomes crystal clear just from a third grade journal prompt that my child is struggling to complete!
(imported from a failed secondary blog I never bothered to use
)
2. British shows are of a higher quality than American television. For one thing, they have far less advertising, even product placement with in a show is much more subtle. The kids shows are much more innocent and age appropriate humor. I feel comfortable letting my children watch British shows like Sherlock, even when I wouldn't let them watch a US show that is rated TV-13.
3. The digital age is ruining children. I grew up as part of the first generation to have computers in school. Not only did it change the way I learned, but it took away from focus on such skills as having legible handwriting, being able to check my own grammar and spelling (even here I rely on that little red underline). Seeing how things are now with my own children, who struggle to write by hand even simple paragraphs, and type with the hunt and peck method but can dictate flawlessly...just goes to show how skills are being lost and the replacement skills are not necessarily ones that will take you far in life.
This journal entry was being done in tandem with an assignment my daughter who is in third grade was working on. Same prompt, she had to hand write her answers, and not be as detailed. I have typed this all out in less than 7 minutes, and she has at this point written next to the number 1 that is pre- printed in her school journal "pizza ". She is staring blankly at a page not able to express a thought in a complex way, while I am still free flow thoughts just typing this out, and trying to catch any flaws in my ideas and self edit for readablilty as I go. Yes, I am catching things like lowercase when I should have uppercase and imediatly going back and correcting it. I am, waiting to go and correct spelling errors, but I am aware that the are there, and able to be fixed. In the old days, we had to worry so much more because if this was a handwritten entry, any corrections would make it harder to read. Legibility was as important as ability to understand the thought presented. Now, kids can just speak into a mic and be done. There are books available for sale on Amazon that have less editing for content (let alone spelling and grammar) then my Seventh Grade term paper required!
Is it than any wonder that the lack of skills, the lack of real world culture and appreciation, the lack of hard work...people older than I, and I am only 34 and look at the world with a cynical eye, have no hope for the future?
Alas, we live in a world of disposable people. And all this becomes crystal clear just from a third grade journal prompt that my child is struggling to complete!
(imported from a failed secondary blog I never bothered to use
9/19/14, 6:30 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
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