tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56660797915924468072024-02-18T18:45:00.853-08:00Meditations on MediocracyThe life and times of a spiritual seeker in a modern world.Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.comBlogger111125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-67897329815600093832020-06-17T13:12:00.002-07:002020-06-18T06:53:09.902-07:00Vaping vs smoking I started smoking at 15 years old. I enjoyed cigars. And not too long after cigarettes. The thing to remember is that in the 90s smoking was still semi-normal. Both my parents were heavy smokers, and most of my friends' parents were smokers as well. So it wasn't abnormal for me to do so. And every single time I tried to quit my mother re-encuraged the smoking habit. Marlboro lights. But my preference was Kamel or Newport non-menthol. I enjoyed flavored camels. I liked high end flavors like Vanilla Dream brand. And, stereotypically smoked Djarum Black cloves when I could, like most Goths.<div><br /></div><div>When e-cigs came out I did try them. I liked them better and would have fully switched but, they were hard to find. And expensive. </div><div><br /></div><div>And then I quit smoking.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>But without nicotine my pain levels went up. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>And so I started using cigars again. Until I found the Vuse alto vape in March. I got the device for less than a dollar. A tiny e-cigs like vape you just take a draw from to use. Carriages weren't too expensive, and available at the gas station at the corner. Problem was it's low low nicotine. So it wasn't very helpful to have to hit it so often and it didn't get me off cigars right away.</div><div><br /></div><div>Then quarantine happened. I couldn't get cartridges during April. But GoPuff had bidi stick flavor disposable vapes. I previously hadn't had any interest in vaping as everyone I knew who vaped did big clouds of fruit smelling no-nicotine. But I needed something, so I tried it. Mango flavor. And I actually loved it, and no big clouds. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I also met Skaii and Jeff. Jeff, a good friend off the internet vaped nicotine ejuice but did huge billowing clouds. Skaii also used nicotine juice and sitting in the back of my car produced NO big clouds. So maybe I thought, I could vape too. Not just little e-cig-like disposable or pods...but an actual vape that created less environmental waste. </div><div><br /></div><div>So I ordered the Vaporesso VM stick 18, and some Mango e-juice both in freebase and in Nic Salt juice. I also decided to try mango CBD juice since obviously couldn't go buy CBD from the Family Video while it was shut down for Covid-19. I also got the Vaporesso Orco Solo AIO. Both are pen vapes, but one is smaller and has a cage.</div><div><br /></div><div>I really like the VM18 but it takes forever to charge. I primarily now use it for CBD. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>The orco solo I liked so much I got a second one I. Grey. It has some issues with coils occasionaly. And the glass tube stuck to the Cage and cracked on one so I had to order a replacement. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Images would not post.</i></div>Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-59254883783811468912019-10-16T07:02:00.000-07:002019-10-16T07:02:17.996-07:00Random Old Draft<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span> </span>According
to late education researcher Gerald W. Bracey, PhD, qualities that
standardized tests cannot measure include "creativity, critical
thinking, resilience, motivation, persistence, curiosity, endurance,
reliability, enthusiasm, empathy, self-awareness, self-discipline,
leadership, civic-mindedness, courage, compassion, resourcefulness,
sense of beauty, sense of wonder, honesty, integrity." </div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-61496435877601158832019-10-16T06:59:00.004-07:002019-10-16T06:59:54.492-07:00GAH!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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7/8/15, 4:14 AM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time<br />
<br />
<br />
Am I a good person?<br />
<br />
Really am I?<br />
<br />
I
am keeping a secret, even from my best friend. Why? Because I know
she wouldn't approve of what I am doing. No one would. Hell, I don't
approve of it. I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing. And
really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so. But, I mean I threw
caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts
to the consequences. And why? I have no freaking idea! I mean I have
always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between
head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me. I
trust my gut though, I always have. My head keeps me stuck in my fears
and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything. Anything
at all. And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations
out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small
way.<br />
<br />
<br />
Here is the thing though, my gut says
this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an
STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????<br />
<br />
<br />
My
heart says, he is off limits. He is just a friend. It will be ok. I
know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that
acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with
it. He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am
not over Eric. He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other
than friendship. I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is
crap. If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves' and
the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person. And I mean
seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you
are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and
food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP. Don't ruin your child's life by
making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.<br />
<br />
So he
has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know
you. ..I know I thought he was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11
years ago we would have crossed paths. Possibly occasionally as early
as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely. Drama Grounds.<br />
<br />
I
will never forget the first time I went to Common. It was with
Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998. And by the time I
broke up with MSB in April 1999. He had already been in Juvie for a
while at that point. And his friends had been trying to set me up with
other people every time I stopped in common. Like this recently
recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.<br />
<br />
Thank
gods J is not JD from that memory...how fucked up would it be if he
was. More predestination shit. More fate going you damn fool I keep
throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!! Might actually
still be that way.<br />
<br />
<br />
Cause you know what?
Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute,
chubby dude I told Trish about. Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex
with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then
fiancee? Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral
herpies I would have been like, oh wait...no peace out?<br />
<br />
But
now I am all just like...I can't help myself. I knew how he would
sound before I heard his voice. I knew how his kiss would feel on my
neck before we even agreed to meet. And I want to sub for him, and I
want to revel in how he makes me feel safe. So safe. Why does he make
me feel safe? Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably
do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.<br />
<br />
<br />
UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.<br />
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.<br />
<br />
And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.<br />
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.<br />
The face that every fiber of my being says<br />
this is the guy who could keep up with me.<br />
this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.<br />
this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday<br />
this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with<br />
this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for<br />
<br />
This is who I want to be my best guy friend. Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-77711116728827239152019-10-16T06:58:00.000-07:002019-10-16T06:58:07.222-07:00Tainted Love...yep still makes me want to strip <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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11/18/13, 12:38 AM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time</div>
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Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-88336913262880728472019-10-16T06:53:00.002-07:002019-10-16T06:53:24.467-07:00Rebirth of a SG<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiElSRzIr7IJZIzs6aKL2nkoQaRuNevqeqtb_t8x_gZW3CL6-xXSI3SV1qdsO1XY24VyuWoyXLL8j71VPxZa3w1-udNy-ocJYZZvYQYCZL8VJruEa_eO_DaKBkfofoVdQhtPHDkqB-y0eZ_/s1600/0118120704.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiElSRzIr7IJZIzs6aKL2nkoQaRuNevqeqtb_t8x_gZW3CL6-xXSI3SV1qdsO1XY24VyuWoyXLL8j71VPxZa3w1-udNy-ocJYZZvYQYCZL8VJruEa_eO_DaKBkfofoVdQhtPHDkqB-y0eZ_/s320/0118120704.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
As
you may remember I had made a promise to two different people that I
would grow my hair out. As you can see I did get it very long. And I
looked 12.<br />
<br />
What the hell was I thinking trying to be something/someone I am not. Long hair is NOT me.<br />
<br />
<br />
This is me <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;">Short hair, sassy, and a teasing attitude. </td><td style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEichRcqkDqiJD9TYrnyjAewVl2cdS6jIXi6tL_6zxYQDUSDrqEVEsat8Kt2rhe3iSs7-RtQx3yEvOKYyx_3ghexy6NJaWJ1Ycf9IysTtPmY7ZK_WDPOe8MHXUYqSh59-rIa39M2ScFb6RgE/s1600/0130131441.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEichRcqkDqiJD9TYrnyjAewVl2cdS6jIXi6tL_6zxYQDUSDrqEVEsat8Kt2rhe3iSs7-RtQx3yEvOKYyx_3ghexy6NJaWJ1Ycf9IysTtPmY7ZK_WDPOe8MHXUYqSh59-rIa39M2ScFb6RgE/s400/0130131441.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">did *I* make you have dirty thoughts..for shame</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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This
is the real me, the woman I was, the woman I am meant to be. Mostly
dykish, kinda playful, full of teasing confidence because I know I have
smexy talents, make straight girls curious and oddly wet. Have boobs
that people love to gaze longingly upon (remember that is why I got the
spider tattoo to give people an excuse).<br />
<br />
<br />
So
what if I have a few more stretch marks from having kids. And my hips
are a bit wider, and my Right breast now sags ever so slightly. That I
am STILL lactating 3 years after giving birth.<br />
<br />
Once
upon a time I had the option of anyone I wanted. I turned you away more
than once! You were the submissive one, doing anything to make me
smile.<br />
<br />
I am a Goddess, everyone says so *wink*<br />
<br />
And
after years of pining, being "good" because I "loved" you, and waiting
for you to come to your senses I got two nights of pretty lousy sex, a
second kid, and treated like trash.<br />
<br />
And for some god
awe-full reason I was so damn horny and impatient I fucked the first
thing that came my way and tried to convince myself I was in ~love~.
Ha.<br />
<br />
And then came more celibacy, more desperate need to feed. To touch and tease and torment someone, anyone damn it.<br />
<br />
But I swore off Roger. Yes, partially because it seemed to bother you.<br />
But I CAN have better.<br />
I deserve better.<br />
<br />
But I let myself end up with Ali. And that was not so good.<br />
<br />
And that ended, and I swore no more dating for a while, no men, not going to worry about it. Unless David Tennant shows up.<br />
<br />
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Cause, he is fucking sexy...and Scottish, and was the DOCTOR.<br />
<br />
MMMM.<br />
<br />
Or John Simm<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18dxtpts6414sjpg/ku-medium.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18dxtpts6414sjpg/ku-medium.jpg" /></a></div>
Cause he was really hot as the Master...hotter when he had David Tennant as the Doctor tied up.<br />
<br />
<br />
But I digress.<br />
<br />
<br />
I
changed my mind, had a night of reminiscent fun with a pre- you ex.
But unfortunately, as wonderful, as amazing, as mind blowing as actual
love making with someone who really truly loves and cherishes me is...it
is just too fucking complicated to be more than a once in a while
thing.<br />
<br />
And I need sex. <br />
Damn it I NEED it.<br />
I need the trill of the tease, the anticipation and build up prior to any foreplay.<br />
<br />
I need the smell of arousal, and the taste of salt on skin.<br />
<br />
Long
before you ever came to Ohio, Long before I turned the moniker slut,
even when my sexual experience could be counted on one hand I had the
nickname of Sex Goddess for my wicked mind, my kinky humor, and my
teasing ways.<br />
<br />
I was Banshee D, the Roll Call Orgy initiator of Gothic Classifieds.<br />
<br />
Long
before I was a Domme I was getting my way with tease and temptation,
back when while my sex life had been adventurous it had been limited to
Midnight Stick Boi and absolutely no sexual response at all on my end.
Or my one night stand and title of High Priestess of the Nipple Rings.
When I learned that I could make someone love me, make someone want me
and need me with very very little effort on my part.<br />
<br />
And
I teased, and I fucked, and I experimented my way through dozens!
Dozens! I made gay men cum in their pants with my mouth on their
hands. I turned straight women bi-curious. And I can still do these
things.<br />
<br />
Why the hell am I feeling guilty because I *had* the love of my life.<br />
Why the hell do I feel like part of me is cheating on Amber still even.<br />
<br />
And you. <br />
<br />
<br />
But I never cheated on you.<br />
<br />
Time for SG to return...<br />
<br />
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Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-76090028536071251872019-10-16T06:49:00.001-07:002019-10-16T06:49:15.134-07:00"Those" damn dreams<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: purple;"><a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"> <span class="K3JSBVB-ec-c K3JSBVB-W-n"></span> <span>Published on</span> </a></span></div>
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10/18/13, 10:34 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time</div>
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;">Those
damn dreams. The ones that led me to accept Midnight Stick Boi. The
ones that kept me going for my lonely childhood, convinced of my own
power of prophecy and the awareness that I did have a soul mate out
there. A Dark Prince... how foolish a dreamer I was. I created a
fantasy around the dreams and visions. I wanted a Barnabas Collins,
sexy and powerful and dangerous. My own sexual inclinations had nothing
to do with the dreams or the fantasy. The whole time I spend in puppy
love/lusting after a gay man. Granted he is a dead sexy gay man...who
is wildly popular in his role as a porn icon. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;">Oh,
and having a series of unrequited crushes on totally unsuitable types.
That is until I fell in love with my best friends boyfriend at 15. And
got the heart ripped right out of me. And then suddenly there was
Robert. And he was so much like who I had foreseen. I knew he was too
young, and it kinda creep-ed me out at times. And I knew it couldn't be
him, because I literally felt NOTHING during sex. But you know as well
as I do that it is easy to break down and destroy someone who isn't on a
solid base to begin with. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple;">I will always be scared of Robert.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple;">I will
always wonder why the hell I found it perfectly rational from the age
of six to think that I would grow up to marry a person who had multiple
personalities. And how the hell the concept of a faceless lover who I
knew to be potentially dangerous and to have an affinity for Demonology
and Hacking once served as a comfort to me. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: purple;">Oh, yes...sweet little innocent Cola...</span><br />
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Dreaming of a tall, dark, and deadly stranger. </div>
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I should have been committed then. </div>
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Save everyone a few troubled years...</div>
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Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-600272164004674112019-10-16T06:42:00.001-07:002019-10-16T06:42:29.942-07:00Honesty, revisited<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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10/18/13, 10:01 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time<br />
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<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">On April 11, 2009 I poured my heart out to you in honesty on here. </span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Tonight I revisit that post and update where I stand.</span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike>I dream of you often.</strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">I
dream of you rarely, but when I do it bothers me. A lot. Because in
those dreams I still feel connected to you. Maybe it is my mind
connecting with other "me" in other worlds, as each new universe springs
up due to our choices. But there is always a sense of loss. We could
have been amazing. You are my soul mate. But, the bridge has been
burned and I don't even know if I could ever be friends with you again.
No matter how much I want to be your friend.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"> </span><strike><br /></strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"> I<strike> have been torn up inside trying to fight the
growing feelings and renewed attraction. Gods I want you. But all of
you. Not just sex. Not just playmates. I want to take this friendship
that has grown between us to the next level. I am falling all over
again. I didn't want to. Trust me I didn't plan to feel swept away
again. I want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold
you and be held by you. I want to snuggle and fall asleep holding you
again. I want to wake up with your arms around me. I want to have your
child again, but this time with you by my side. I realize that I
should have married you. I was so wrong. All these years I have been
terrified of committing to someone and being wrong. But I have made a
commitment to you haven't I? I don' t want to loose your friendship.
But I swore I'd not lie to you or hide things from you ever again. I
can't seem to say this to your face, but I want you back! I am afraid
of rejection. I always have been. When it matters. And you matter.
This has nothing to do with our daughter. Don't be afraid to tell me to
never mention this again. </strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike><br />I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I
hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life.
I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date
you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head
sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you.
I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss
intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you
do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out
my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love
with my ex and baby's daddy.</strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">Blah,
Blah, Blah...I tried, I got a baby...he is the best little person in
the whole wide world and my Avery is my baby boy and so wonderful...and
just mine... I only have to share him with Madison. And unlike Madison,
who is you but young and female, Avery is more me but young and male in
personality. And you know what, I went a hell of a long time after
having him to even think " oh wait, I am more than a Mom...I have
needs"...and I gave in and took an easy way out...and got in over my
head...and realized...even guys who have been obsessed with me for more
than half my life, once they 'have me' don't really want me...and I
felt so unlovable. So all those lessons I thought I had learned, and
then unlearned. Nope... the truth is to men I am just a sex object and
love or even affection cannot fit into it or mix with sex. But the
older I get the less the idea of sex with out any affection appeals to
me. So every single time my impulse was...I should be a
lesbian...yeah...I really should...but meeting women is really fucking
hard. I wish I was a gay man. At least gay men are sweeties most of
the time.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">So
NO I am not engaged. NO I am not in a relationship and trying to
flaunt it at you. NO I am not after a relationship with you. I have
sworn off relationships with men...unless David Tennant shows up at my
door to sweep me off my feet ( and if you don't know who David Tennant
is I pitty you... he is beyond sexy, with a great head of hair and
geek...and he was the Doctor...</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"> </span><strike><br />I feel weak doing this </strike><span style="color: red;">Nah, pretty damn freeing actually. I would have given it up years ago if it wasn't. </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike> . I feel brave doing this.</strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike>I can't seem to
find the cocky woman I was and just take what I want. </strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">I
think it is pretty safe to say that despite having some issues with
feeling unlovable....bitch is back baby, and better than ever. I can be
blunt, I can be crude, and I am not afraid. Living in the ghetto can
do that to a gal. It is kinda impossible to dress like a dude these
days though. Damn kids ruined it for me... the hips are here to stay,
and the boobs...my gods the boobs are my worst nightmare....I am a
freaking 44DDD. I can't get away from the damn things... </span><strike><br /></strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike>If I could I
would have kissed you last week. I would have told you that I wanted
you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for pushing and pulling at
the same time.</strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">Blah,
Blah, Blah...we played our game. That is what it really is. I try to
get a rise out of you, you try to get a rise out of me. We talk around
shit instead of dealing with it head on. Even when we are nekid and
your dick was up my ass, we never really resolved anything...ergo ...all
the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put us back together
again.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">oooh...witty, I like that.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">hehe.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">When
it all comes down to the brutal honest truth, I really don't think you
would have wanted it any other way. And I think that is why you throw
yourself into the messes you do. I sure as hell do the same thing, and
in that way maybe we are just too much alike. We need validation but we
also need a challenge. But instead of manifesting in a healthy
way...say showing love and reaffirming affection we tend to be insecure
in those areas and instead reaffirm physical lust and sexuality and try
to make loving us more difficult than it needs to be to pose that
challenge we long for. Perhaps, it is a manifestation of the lack of
love we both received as children from our actual parents, both of us
being raised more by Grandparents who showed love in a more reserved
fashion. Perhaps it is that we both had to be adults before our time
and never really learned how to casually date, or to be in anything
other than a doomed or purely sexual relationship. And, this is
starting to sound like therapist case notes.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"> </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">I want you to succeed in life. <span style="color: red;">Well,
why not. I loved you once with all of my being. Even when I am
feeling particularly vicious and mean spirited, I still want you to
succeed. I might not want you to be happy (sometimes I like to imagine
you have everything you could ever want but are miserable), but I want
you to succeed. </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike> I want to be with you
till we are old and grey. I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked again.
Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel like you are not sure what you
want. But that you are still drawn to me.</strike></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">Reading
some of this I start to picture Charlie Brown's teacher "woh woh
woh"...So many words with out really saying much at all. </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"> </span>What I want from you:<strike>everything</strike> <span style="color: red;">I
would like the friendship we once had back...where you can tell me all
about the men you shag, and I could wax poetic about some blond chick's
bum. Sigh.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">But I want you to be there for Madison.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"> </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">What I want from you: <strike>the husband you once promised to be</strike> <span style="color: red;">While
in some alternative version of reality, we know this happened based on
many worlds theory...the idea of it even being remotely possible in this
world was crushed from my mind and heart on Jan 2, 2010. </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"> </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">What I want from you: <strike>monogamy</strike><span style="color: red;">
I don't think there is a version of us in ANY universe that is
completely monogamous. I think any version of me would always be
cheering you on for getting laid by some hot gay dude. </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">What I want from you: <strike>to know that I am the only one.</strike> <span style="color: red;">You proved pretty effectively that I was not.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">What I want from you: your mind, <strike>soul, and heart</strike> <span style="color: red;">I miss your mind. Twisted and Geeky and so much fun sometimes.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">What I want from you: <strike>My shawn.</strike><span style="color: red;"> doesn't exist anymore</span> <strike>My Prince. </strike><span style="color: red;">Was a fantasy of a six year old girl. I am pretty sure you just tried to be the person I wanted back in 03/04</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike> My lover</strike>, <span style="color: red;">Each
time we have hooked up the actual experience diminishes in
enjoyability. It went from "oh gods, I see stars" to "oh, gods, I wish
he would just cum already"</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"><br /></span>
friend,</span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike> and soulmate</strike> <span style="color: red;">I am still of the opinion that you are my soulmate...but that in practical terms that and a dollar will get me a candy bar.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;"> </span> </span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;">What I want from you: <strike>a son</strike> <span style="color: red;">Have
my son now. Honestly, I kinda think it was a self fulfilling
prophecy. In Dec of 08 I had a dream we had a baby and it was a boy and
that his existence would some how relate to Christmas. I was pretty
open and honest that I did want another kid with you. And that I wanted
a little boy. I now have a second child, who is a perfect little
boy. </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">OOOh...lightbulb
moment....do you feel that I only ever tried to get back with you in 09
so that I could have a baby? Does all of this come down to the fact
that I wanted a son, and I got a son. And that unlike with Madison I
have never pushed you to know him? That Avery has no father legally, I
have never asked for a DNA test, or anything? That he is Avery
Jones.....my heir essentially?</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">Holy Guacamole Batman! </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">I
promised you I would never keep a kid from you. I knew you had said
you wanted to have a son with me. Other than sharing a picture of an
ultrasound with you, that showed it was a boy...I never tried to share
the pregnancy/him with you.</span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">But
to be fair, you never really gave me the chance to. And you run away
from Madison. And tell everyone Avery couldn't possibly be yours. </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: red;">Ok...well this is Avery Morgan Jones: </span></span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></h2>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><strike><br />what I want from you: the life you promised once.<br />what I want from you: you<br />what I want from you: will you be mine?<br />What I want from you: to be yours.<br /><br />So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.<br /><br />Happy?<br /><br /><br />So whats your response?
</strike></span></h2>
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Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-45326042846489060232019-10-16T06:41:00.000-07:002019-10-16T06:41:08.520-07:00Questions Revisited<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"></a><br />
<div class="K3JSBVB-ec-f">
<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"><span>Published on</span> </a></div>
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<div class="K3JSBVB-ec-g">
<div>
<div class="K3JSBVB-W-o">
10/18/13, 9:00 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time<br />
<br />
In 2009 I posted a list of questions on here. Months before we did
the same ol' song and dance that we always seem to do. And with Amber
stating that you just keep saying that I know why you hate me, when I
really don't...nor does she...or it seems anyone but you...well I looked
back at those questions to see if I ever figured out any of the
answers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Questions I need answers to:<br />
<br />
<strike>Do you love me?</strike><span style="color: red;">
I think it is pretty clear at this point that the answer was that you
did originally, and that a part of you held on to that feeling. If you
hadn't loved me, you wouldn't hate me now.</span><br />
<br />
What do you want from me?<br />
<br />
<br />
<strike>Are you still afraid I'd cheat? </strike><span style="color: red;">I
think it is pretty clear that you think you had/have me whipped. I
really think that half of the hell we have been through in the last 9
years was because you felt the need to test me. I still don't get what
is so hard to understand about my feelings on polygamy. I only ever
date/be intimate with/whatever one MALE at a time, I prefer to have a
male AND a female partner. I encouraged you to have a male partner of
your own if you so desired, seems pretty self-explanatory. </span><br />
<strike><br /> Why do you play games with me?</strike> <span style="color: red;">Has become abundantly clear that it is because you NEED to get back on medications. </span><br />
<br />
<strike>Is it that I am not a sub? </strike><span style="color: red;">You seemed more than happy when I took charge so I know this wasn't the issue.</span><br />
<strike><br /> Do you want to do mutual blood-play again? </strike><span style="color: red;">Not Applicable as I have no desire to.</span><br />
<br />
<strike>Would you let me burn you, cut you, drink you in?</strike> <span style="color: red;">N/A</span><br />
<br />
<strike>Do you want to tie me up, beat me, make me beg?</strike> <span style="color: red;">N/A</span><br />
<strike><br /> Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for?</strike><span style="color: red;"> We had this conversation and acted upon it. </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"> </span><strike><br /> Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?</strike><br />
<strike>Do you want to break me?<br /> Do you miss fucking me?<br /> Do you miss making love to me?</strike><br />
<br />
Do you want me to have your baby all over again? <span style="color: red;">I
think this might be the crux of the problem. We fuck, I start vomiting
at the smell of coffee, take a bunch of pregnancy tests, they come back
negative. You act like a jerk, I got my "needs" taken care of
elsewhere in a hormonal truly epic fail manor. Find out I was indeed
pregnant late January...1st doc insists I conceived post Dec 23, I
believe said doctor...only to find out at Ultra Sound time that I was
much further along. I screwed up like major epic scale by insisting
that the baby wasn't yours at first only to find out later that there
was no way humanly possible it could have been the Pedo's. </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"> </span><strike><br /> Do you still dream of getting married?</strike> <span style="color: red;">Makes zero difference at this point.</span><br />
<br />
Do you want me to want you? <span style="color: red;">I
am still curious about this...is that the problem? Do you hate me
because I didn't seem to want you enough? Is it that I never really
needed you? </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"> </span><strike><br /> Do you want to know what I want?<br /> Will you fight me for the right to take me?<br /> Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak? <br /> Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?<br /> Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?<br /> Will you make me give up my own kinks?<br /> Will you let me take care of you?<br /> Will you take care of me?<br /> Do you know how much your tag line says to me? </strike><br />
<br />
Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?<br />
<br />
<strike>Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?<br /> Do you realize I am falling all over again?<br /> What are you waiting for?<br /> Will you be true to me?<br /> Will you promise that I won't regret it?<br /> Can I commit to you?<br /> Do you know I am torn with these feelings?</strike><br />
<strike><br /> </strike>Is this being honest enough with you?<br />
<br />
<strike>Do you still think deep down that I am the one?<br /> Why can't I tie you up?<br /> Would you let me worship you with my tounge?<br /> Do you know I have been celibate for you?<br /> Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?<br /> Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?<br /> Don't you get I am jealous?<br /> Do you know that I value your friendship?</strike><br />
<br />
<br />
Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter? <span style="color: red;">Hello?
I tried to stay friends with you even after everything fell apart yet
again. I have always, always tried to make sure you and Madison could
have a relationship. She needs her daddy. </span><br />
<br />
<strike>Will you claim me if we get back together?<br /> Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?<br /> Be mine?<br /> Take me?<br /> Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?<br /> Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?<br /> Do you realize that its always been you?<br /> Even when I didn't know it?<br /> Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?<br /> Do you think it had to happen this way?<br /> Can third time be a charm?<br /> Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?<br /> Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?<br /> Do you know that I tried to move on?<br /> Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?<br /> Do you know how terrified this makes me?<br /> Do you get what I want from you yet?</strike><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">We,
or more like, I tried really hard this last time. I was 100% ready for
a monogamous committed relationship. I was more than ready to say
those two little words and made a legal binding commitment. And then
you lied to me. You left my bed and our family Christmas day to go fuck
some other chick, hours after being intimate with me. And I realized
then and there, I was done. I could never be intimate with you again.
We would never be able to bring back the love we had shared in the
beginning. I knew I would always care about you. And I wanted to be
your friend. Hell, I took you to take your drivers test. I tried my
damnedest to be a good friend. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">And still the head games. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">Everything else came before Madison.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">Your
male friend that was always around at that time told me you threatened
him that I belonged to you and that he wasn't even allowed to talk to me
or compliment me. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">Then
one day you just seem to freaking loose it. You yell about not loving
the kids...MADISON HEARS YOU, creating the beginnings of some serious
mental heath issues for years to come.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">And then poof, suddenly you are gone. No idea where you are.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">Until one day I log on to fetlife and see a "friend" commented on some chick's status congrats for getting engaged to you.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">And
I continuously see pictures of said chick's funky stuff pasted all over
my feed until I deleted the person who was liking and commenting.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">And I started to feel pity for you.</span><br />
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Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-63457816101665671702019-10-16T06:35:00.000-07:002019-10-16T06:35:26.595-07:00Here we go again. Can you tell me its ok?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: red;"><i>Another</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="K3JSBVB-ec-f">
<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"><span>Published on</span> </a></div>
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<div class="K3JSBVB-ec-g">
<div>
<div class="K3JSBVB-W-o">
4/12/13, 6:44 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time<br />
<br />
I haven't been sleeping well recently, I had a bit of a problem with
my teeth. Lost a filling and had it decay to the point of a nerve being
exposed. And getting it fixed caused major TMJ problems. Finally got
everything sorted out though. Why am I telling you this? Because last
night was the first night I really slept in a while. And it was a deep
sleep, all the walls down, not a single shield. And when I woke up I
could smell you, and I started to reach out for you, before I realized
it was a dream and you were not there.<br />
<br />
It was one of
those odd dreams that I have before you show back up. Where its like
half my dream, half yours. You were at some weird hotel like building
and you were drunk and sick, and some guy named James called me to take
care of you. I get there and you are passed out on a bed, drunk covered
in your own vomit and piss. I cleaned you up, and tucked you in. You
grabbed my wrist and pulled me into you. Holding me tight and giving me
the sweetest kiss. The next part of the dream was you waking up, angry
that I was there, until you realized that I was the one to take care of
you. You yelled at me, raged and threw accusations about how I made
you into the jerk and womanizer you became. That it was my fault. That
all you ever wanted was me, and a simple life. But I had to hurt you
and hide things from you. I had to keep telling you over and over that I
wouldn't marry you. And how was that supposed to make you feel. I
cried and told you that I know, and don't you think that it eats at me
every single day of my life. That my fears ruined the best thing to
ever happen to me. That I always felt like you loved the image of me,
not the real me. That just like everyone else you would grow tired of
my insecurities and neurosis and run away. That you wanted the
confidant woman that I pretended to be, not the vulnerable woman who
just wants to fit in and belong. <br />
<br />
<br />
Waking up
from that feeling that you are with me, and then discovering it was
just another dream kinda hurt. So I have been depressed today.<br />
<br />
And what do I do when I am depressed? Watch Romantic Comedy to feel worse about myself.<br />
<br />
<br />
So
here I am having watched a stupid RomCom, and it just is so much ironic
"The Jerk Theory" and I see us in the mistakes they made. Here is the
song.<br />
<br />
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDyCdIE8zwE<br />
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Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-8533292579985327312019-10-16T06:32:00.000-07:002019-10-16T06:32:41.046-07:00I need someone to talk to<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: red;"><i>From hidden blog to Shawn</i></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><i> </i></span> <br />
<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"> </a><br />
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<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"> <span class="K3JSBVB-ec-c K3JSBVB-W-n"></span> <span>Published on</span> </a></div>
<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"> </a> <br />
<div class="K3JSBVB-ec-g">
<div>
<div class="K3JSBVB-W-o">
12/30/12, 10:41 AM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time<br />
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</div>
</div>
I haven't written to you in a long time. Things have gotten really
bad, out of control. I swore I was over everything to do with you after
you said you didn't love Madison. And I know I screwed up, we both
did. We have trouble communicating and we are both so stubborn and
caught up in being who we think we are and who at times we think the
other one wants. But when I am scared, when I am lost I still have the
instinct to turn to you first.<br />
<br />
And I have been dreaming
about you again. Those dreams where I can feel your presence. The
ones I normally have before you show back up in my life. And I talked to
Amber. She told me what is going on, and I am glad that you are happy
and have reconciled with your family. I worry of course, because of
everything you have ever told me. I hope you are safe, and loved. It
does concern me that you told Amber you were going to go for custody of
"Madison and the other little one". That other little one's name is
Avery. He is two years old now. He is developmentally delayed, at
first the doctors thought it was because of the screw up with the due
date, and him being two weeks over due, possibly more they said. There
is a chance that I really was pregnant from Dec. 3 and that all those
tests were wrong. But he is a beautiful little boy, so cute and
charming. But the doctors also say it is probably autism. Madison is
probably autistic too. I keep telling her doctors that she needs tested
for other stuff, but they wont listen. But she hears things. Sees
things too. She is so grown up. So full of arrogance. She is such
your daughter. She refers to you as "my real father", and says that she
knows you don't love her but she misses you.<br />
<br />
I was
really stupid recently. I am sure you have heard through the grapevine
that I am living in Public Housing now. Waiting on my court date for
SSDI. The menire's has gotten a lot worse. But that is not why I was
stupid. I slept with Aladar. I knew he was in love with me, and I went
ahead and slept with him any way. And then it turned into a thing. And
it was supposed to just be a thing. He knows, after all, I don't
really do romantic love anymore. Everyone knows I always say the father
of my children was the love of my life, but it didn't work out. But, I
still have needs. And Aladar wooed me, so I eventually gave in. And we
became a couple. He knew I loved him only as a companion. But the
kids adored him. Avery calls him Dada, and Madison started calling him
daddy.<br />
<br />
But he wouldn't be Daddy. He would snuggle
Avery, and tell Madison he loves her. But he yells so much, screams at
them. And breaks promises. And then yesterday I was loosing it.
Madison was being so bad, and I wanted to take her to the hospital. And
then go myself for chest pains. I made some threats, but told Ali I was
going to drop Avery with him until he could leave his Grandmother's.
He asked for the keys to pick up Avery's stuff. I told him I can't do
that, I will leave the keys with the office and have them give them to
him to stay here with Avery. He said he will pick up Avery and Madison
and they can live at his Grandmother's. I said no way. Madison is
going off about how she is being bad to make him come back because he is
only around when she is bad, even though he only yells. And that She
doesn't think he is her daddy, he is fake daddy. Ali says I am not a
fake dad. I say, you are not their biological father, you are not their
adoptive father, or their step-father. If you are going to be dad then
you have to BE dad. You have to commit to them, and put their needs
first. You have to have a schedule and not this random here sometimes
gone then back. He says give me a chance to be dad. I am coming to get
them. I said, you should come to stay with them. Or don't come at all.
You are not taking my children.<br />
<br />
Hours go by, I text
him if he can't commit to what he tells everyone is his family, then
this is not going to work out. That we can't go back from this and to
think because if he can't commit then I don't think there should be any
contact anymore.<br />
<br />
Avery tires calling him while upset.
No answer. He calls finally and says that he is still at Grandmother's
because he collapsed to the floor and is having vertigo. He can't move,
and is trying to get his heart to still and has been since we last
spoke. I say call 911 I will get help. Hang up, call his mom to tell
her to rush over there. to help them. I hear her close a door and set
down her keys. I just left there she says. Ali left at 6, he said he
was going to your house.<br />
<br />
So it is over. He lied to my
kids. And that is a deal breaker. I don't care if I am dying from a
heart attack, I will do what I have to for my kids when I have to. And I
have no idea what is more important and why he lied, but I am done.
DONE. Madison says someday I will meet someone who is right for me.
But I can't do this anymore. I really can't. These kids need a
father. But I can't give them a replacement. And it is not fair to have
them be attached to people who are not going to be there for them. <br />
<br />
Madison needs, well you. I wish there was a way of you having visitation. Just you and her. Its what she needs. <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-68931785311634641382019-10-16T06:27:00.000-07:002019-10-16T06:27:32.960-07:00He Wrote Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: red;"><i> Another post aimed to Shawn from old hidden blog</i></span><br />
<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"> </a><br />
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<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"> <span class="K3JSBVB-ec-c K3JSBVB-W-n"></span> <span>Published on</span> </a></div>
<a class="K3JSBVB-ec-a" href="https://www.blogger.com/null" kind="click"> </a> <br />
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<div class="K3JSBVB-W-o">
9/14/11, 6:05 AM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time</div>
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<br />
<br />
Not long after my mom died a lot of people I hadn't talked to in a
while paid attention to my facebook. Then one day I get a message and a
friend request from Robert. I denied it of course. How dare he think
that he can try to befriend me when he RAPED me 10 years ago. How dare
he have his mother try to add me, to follow me on twitter. To find out
what I am doing. I swear if he comes anywhere near me or my children I
will have him arrested.<br />
<br />
Gods, I wish the man I knew you
once were was here with me. To hold me through this, to make me feel
safe. How can I deal with a psycho on my own. I have so much going
on. I just wish you hadn't pulled your disappearing act. I wish you
were still you. </div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-55359689965691002892019-10-16T06:21:00.002-07:002019-10-16T06:25:47.017-07:00The man that I fear...(Truth about) <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: red;"><i>Please note this post was written in 2009, and addressed to my ex Shawn. </i></span> <br />
<br />
<br />
/steelblueskies<br />
<br />
<br />
It really scares me that
he lives near by. I am terrified of this man. We met when I was 17,
and he was 15. I was his latin tutor. He was 6'1", skinny, long dark
hair, goth, liked swords, used a line on me about my last name being
Jones, he loved computers, rebuilt mine for me. I bought him a sword.
He was kinky, and liked to experiment with various things. We lost our
virginity to each other, were handfasted. He was schizophrenic and
DID. His mom was psycho and always in love with and pulling a scam on
another man. I'd get so mad when other women came near him I saw red.
He was abusive. He forced me to have anal sex with him. He raped me
when I was sick. He would choke me at times. I feared for my life. I
didn't break up with him until he was in Juvinile hall. <br />
<br />
I
forgave him the summer I was away at feild school. I had been engaged
to Mike Beasley by this point, and we were taking a "break" to sow wild
oats and make sure we wanted to get married. Robert came to stay with
me some how or another...It seems vauge now. He pushed my good nature
to the limit however, and I drove him out. We stayed in contact online,
however and he moved into the Kheperu townhouse. Thats how I know all
of them. Almost a year later, after Mike and I broke up, and I dated
some chicks, I met Matt Nowalanic and got really into him for a while,
started dating him post break up with Steph. He was Robert's best
friend. Robert showed up at my dorm room to take Matt away. When he
got kicked out of Kraperu, he moved in with my mom's then fiancee John
Boyle. When I dropped out I moved in there too. Robert at this point
was just a friend. He knew I had a series of girlfriends, and didn't
have any intrest in men. (In my mind by this point I realized he wasn't
the guy from my dreams long since and had given up hope of finding my
dream lover, my dark prince so I might as well be gay right?). On my
21'st birthday I had a party at Tyr. Robert was my DD since he was only
19 at the time. Alidar was there. So was my then GF, Sarah January.
My friend Tabitha (who alidar was in love with) and her boyfriend felt
me up on the dance floor. I got wasted and blacked out. Three months
later I found out Robert took me home and had sex with my unconcious
body. I was pregnant. I freaked the fuck out. I didn't know it was
him until the night before I lost the baby. I ran and hid from him. I
never felt safe at my grandmother's when he was in Ohio. I panic still
everytime I see a car like he drove. <br />
<br />
Its part of the
reason why I moved in so quickly with Paul and Airic. Why I let the
relationship with Airic get so serious. Why I flipped out when he
grabbed me by the throat and threw me. I mean, the whole coaking while
having sex was ok, but being lifted by the neck very not cool. <br />
<br />
So
I hope this explains a bit of my parinoias. A bit about why I had no
intrest in Kryptmo (you reminded me of Chaos aka Robert). I was drawn
into being in a horrid relationship that was utterly abusive and all
because I thought I had found the guy that had been coming into my
dreams for years. Now note how many charachteristics he shares with
you. Granted you are dead sexy and brilliant, and he is midnight stick
boi and looks scary. But all the same, it freaks me out sometimes. But
I realise thats just because you ARE that guy I used to dream about.
And while I have alwasy been turned on by the idea of anal sex, it
scares me. I never wanted to have anal with Robert. He forced me. I
have NEVER had willing anal sex.<br />
<br />
That is something I am saving for, well you, if you'll have me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><i>This was directly imported from Musings to my Past private blog</i></span><br />
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4/11/09, 10:20 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time</div>
</div>
</div>
<span style="color: red;"><i> </i></span> </div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-55714102532348019942019-10-16T06:17:00.000-07:002019-10-16T06:17:19.215-07:00Self Exposure: A decade later<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: red;"><i>So ok, wow. Its been a decade. More than. And this was written what feels like forever ago. But I am trying to let go an not keep the weight of baggage I no longer need.</i></span><b> I was in and out of love with Shawn so often, it made my head spin. </b><span style="color: red;"><i>I was convinced later on that I was under a love spell the whole time. But I wanted that feeling of safety he gave me when he was my closest friend back so bad so often. I wrote this and posted it on a private blog.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: red;"><i>So here it is, me at 29 being dumb and naive and pouring my heart out to someone who wanted me to be something, someone I was not. </i></span><br /><b></b></div>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<b> </b></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<b> </b></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<b> To Valik pt 1 Just Questions</b></h2>
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4/11/09, 7:58 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time</div>
</div>
</div>
<br />
Questions I need answers to:<br />
<br />
Do you love me?<br />
What do you want from me?<br />
Are you still afraid I'd cheat?<br />
Why do you play games with me?<br />
Is it that I am not a sub?<br />
Do you want to do mutual bloodplay again?<br />
Would you let me burn you, cut you, drink you in?<br />
Do you want to tie me up, beat me, make me beg?<br />
Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for?<br />
Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?<br />
Do you want to break me?<br />
Do you miss fucking me?<br />
Do you miss making love to me?<br />
Do you want me to have your baby all over again?<br />
Do you still dream of getting married?<br />
Do you want me to want you?<br />
Do you want to know what I want?<br />
Will you fight me for the right to take me?<br />
Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak? <br />
Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?<br />
Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?<br />
Will you make me give up my own kinks?<br />
Will you let me take care of you?<br />
Will you take care of me?<br />
Do you know how much your tag line says to me? <br />
Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?<br />
Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?<br />
Do you realize I am falling all over again?<br />
What are you waiting for?<br />
Will you be true to me?<br />
Will you promise that I won't regret it?<br />
Can I commit to you?<br />
Do you know I am torn with these feelings?<br />
Is this being honest enough with you?<br />
Do you still think deep down that I am the one?<br />
Why can't I tie you up?<br />
Would you let me worship you with my tounge?<br />
Do you know I have been celibate for you?<br />
Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?<br />
Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?<br />
Don't you get I am jealous?<br />
Do you know that I value your friendship?<br />
Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter?<br />
Will you claim me if we get back together?<br />
Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?<br />
Be mine?<br />
Take me?<br />
Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?<br />
Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?<br />
Do you realize that its always been you?<br />
Even when I didn't know it?<br />
Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?<br />
Do you think it had to happen this way?<br />
Can third time be a charm?<br />
Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?<br />
Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?<br />
Do you know that I tried to move on?<br />
Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?<br />
Do you know how terrified this makes me?<br />
Do you get what I want from you yet?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Hows that for a start?<br />
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<b> To Valik pt 2 Honesty.</b></h2>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">
<b> </b></h3>
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4/11/09, 8:26 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time</div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
I dream of you often. I have been torn up inside trying to fight the
growing feelings and renewed attraction. Gods I want you. But all of
you. Not just sex. Not just playmates. I want to take this friendship
that has grown between us to the next level. I am falling all over
again. I didn't want to. Trust me I didn't plan to feel swept away
again. I want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold
you and be held by you. I want to snuggle and fall asleep holding you
again. I want to wake up with your arms around me. I want to have your
child again, but this time with you by my side. I realize that I
should have married you. I was so wrong. All these years I have been
terrified of committing to someone and being wrong. But I have made a
commitment to you haven't I? I don' t want to loose your friendship.
But I swore I'd not lie to you or hide things from you ever again. I
can't seem to say this to your face, but I want you back! I am afraid
of rejection. I always have been. When it matters. And you matter.
This has nothing to do with our daughter. Don't be afraid to tell me to
never mention this again. <br />
<br />
I long for you to tell me
you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I hate that last time I felt I
had to be with you to have you in my life. I wasn't ready. It was too
much about sex. I didn't want to date you. I liked that you wanted to
date me. I am fucked in the head sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd
give up my revenge on Roger for you. I have given up being with men for
you. I miss touching you. I miss intimacy with you. I miss knowing
that you love me. It feels like you do sometimes. I know this is a
total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out my thoughts here for you.
Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love with my ex and baby's
daddy.<br />
<br />
I feel weak doing this. I feel brave doing
this. I can't seem to find the cocky woman I was and just take what I
want. If I could I would have kissed you last week. I would have told
you that I wanted you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for
pushing and pulling at the same time.<br />
I want you to succeed in
life. I want to be with you till we are old and grey. I'd marry you
tomorrow if you asked again. Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel
like you are not sure what you want. But that you are still drawn to
me.<br />
<br />
<br />
What I want from you:everything<br />
What I want from you: the husband you once promised to be<br />
What I want from you: monogamy<br />
What I want from you: to know that I am the only one.<br />
What I want from you: your mind, soul, and heart<br />
What I want from you: My shawn. My Prince. My lover, friend, and soulmate<br />
What I want from you: a son<br />
what I want from you: the life you promised once.<br />
what I want from you: you<br />
what I want from you: will you be mine?<br />
What I want from you: to be yours.<br />
<br />
So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.<br />
<br />
Happy?<br />
<br />
<br />
So whats your response?<br />
</div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-50712184136974033812019-10-16T06:08:00.001-07:002019-10-16T06:08:33.936-07:00Three Opinions: A Third Grade Journal Prompt, and response<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
1. Thai is the most enjoyable food, because it has a variety of
interesting flavor combinations. Pad Thai is one of my favorite dishes,
but there is this coconut shrimp appetizer I had that also has lime. I
don't know the name of it, but it is the single best taste I ever
experienced. Thai iced tea is also amazingly yummy.<br />
<br />
2.
British shows are of a higher quality than American television. For
one thing, they have far less advertising, even product placement with
in a show is much more subtle. The kids shows are much more innocent
and age appropriate humor. I feel comfortable letting my children watch
British shows like Sherlock, even when I wouldn't let them watch a US
show that is rated TV-13.<br />
<br />
3. The digital age is
ruining children. I grew up as part of the first generation to have
computers in school. Not only did it change the way I learned, but it
took away from focus on such skills as having legible handwriting, being
able to check my own grammar and spelling (even here I rely on that
little red underline). Seeing how things are now with my own children,
who struggle to write by hand even simple paragraphs, and type with the
hunt and peck method but can dictate flawlessly...just goes to show how
skills are being lost and the replacement skills are not necessarily
ones that will take you far in life.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i>This
journal entry was being done in tandem with an assignment my daughter
who is in third grade was working on. Same prompt, she had to hand
write her answers, and not be as detailed. I have typed this all out in
less than 7 minutes, and she has at this point written next to the
number 1 that is pre- printed in her school journal "pizza ". She is
staring blankly at a page not able to express a thought in a complex
way, while I am still free flow thoughts just typing this out, and
trying to catch any flaws in my ideas and self edit for readablilty as I
go. Yes, I am catching things like lowercase when I should have
uppercase and imediatly going back and correcting it. I am, waiting to
go and correct spelling errors, but I am aware that the are there, and
able to be fixed. In the old days, we had to worry so much more because
if this was a handwritten entry, any corrections would make it harder
to read. Legibility was as important as ability to understand the
thought presented. Now, kids can just speak into a mic and be done.
There are books available for sale on Amazon that have less editing for
content (let alone spelling and grammar) then my Seventh Grade term
paper required! </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i>Is
it than any wonder that the lack of skills, the lack of real world
culture and appreciation, the lack of hard work...people older than I,
and I am only 34 and look at the world with a cynical eye, have no hope
for the future?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i>Alas,
we live in a world of disposable people. And all this becomes crystal
clear just from a third grade journal prompt that my child is struggling
to complete!</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i><span style="color: red;">(imported from a failed secondary blog I never bothered to use</span></i></span><br />
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<div class="K3JSBVB-W-o">
9/19/14, 6:30 PM<br />
Pacific Daylight Time</div>
</div>
</div>
<span style="color: #351c75;"><i><span style="color: red;">) </span></i></span></div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-56052150034779827562015-07-20T22:20:00.000-07:002015-07-20T22:20:42.081-07:00Taking a chance.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I fall into routines, patterns. <br />
Loveless intimacy.<br />
Unsatisfying couplings full of kink.<br />
<br /></div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-14346716620054391062015-07-06T20:50:00.002-07:002015-07-06T20:50:44.058-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I think I convince myself that I am strong, because I have no choice but to be.<br />
I don't like thinking about the past, I really don't. I know it doesn't seem that way if you read all my past entries on here. I seem rather obsessive sometimes. But, I only tend to write when I am feeling too much to keep in. And I don't write that often.<br />
<br />
But here is the thing....<br />
<br />
<br />
All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted.<br />
<br />
My old therapist says it must be because I was molested by those boys when I was 3. I don't remember it happening, but I was told it must have happened. I tend to block things out. I know having overly sexual parents who would talk about it made it seem over priority. And it didn't help that my first attraction was to a gay man. Sorry for bringing that up again Frankie, but well...its proof of my neurosis I think. I mean I had to fake crushes so as not to get bullied for seeming to be a lesbian, long before I even realized I was attracted to some women. <br />
<br />
And I mean, hello I lost my virginity the same day I had my first kiss! I thought and felt like no one would ever love me. He treated me like crap and I was jealous if he looked at other people,. afraid I would loose my abuser, my rapist.<br />
<br />
Yes I have issues.<br />
<br />
Gods, I loved Roger so freaking much. Now, I look back and wish we could have just stayed friends and kept things simple. Of course I fell for the first guy who treated me nice, and "saw" me. <br />
<br />
And just dealing with the males here, seeing as I am feeling all panic attack ish because of the date and issues and shit, and my male friend brought up that it seems I am so into talking to him, not because of him but becasue he is one of the first guys in a while to actually TALK to me and not try to get in my pants.<br />
<br />
But the thing is, I don't fall for the guy who shows me attention with out wanting anything. I really don't I try to be what that guy wants and it never ever works.<br />
<br />
No I fall for the best friend who wants to go road tripping, and needs saved.<br />
I fall for the guy who tells me he has been waiting his whole life for me, I am his soul mate.<br />
<br />I fall for the guy who does want in my pants, but then rather than fucking me...makes love to me.<br />
<br />
And I get bored with guys who seem to desperate for me, or worshipful. I really do...and maybe that is one reason I am so alone. Because I do punish myself for the rapes, and for the things I have done. For letting myself do things I know will later make me feel dirty and then doing them just because I feel like its all I deserve.<br />
<br />
NO ONE has ever tried to Romance me past hoping in bed.<br />
NO ONE has ever tried to really woo me.<br />
<br />
I have scars from the rapes, the abuse, the way I was raised...who wouldn't. But I have bigger scars from being proposed to all the time, then cheated on. From giving ALL of myself to another person and being told it meant NOTHING, and when I wouldn't fuck around because I needed emotions to be there YOU WOULDN"T EVEN LISTEN TO ME. Yes, Roger, I am still sore about that. I know you think you are in love with me now. And I know when you are drunk you say you want to marry me, but you have nothing going for you, and you don't act like you care. You just want me in there. I became a slut because you made me feel like it was all I was good for.<br />
<br />
And then Shawn came along. And he pursued me for a year. And acted like I was so out of his reach above him. And so many people thought he was so hot. So I was intrigued. And the first time we make love it was like a freaking romance novel, and so yeah I wanted that. I wanted the guy who loved me more than anything. And I clung to it. And I did fall in love with him, and he hurt me time and time again. But still, when we were able to be just friends he was that best friend guy. I could tell him things, and feel safe. But I have no idea who he even is anymore. Haven't in years. And I don't love him anymore. I feel bad for him sometimes. But if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't wish he would have stayed. I would have been miserable being lied to and cheated on just so he would stay with me. I would be miserable having to be faithful to him and never getting what I need in return.<br />
<br />
Then out of no where I met Eric on OKC. And he isn't that good looking or anything but I found him attractive. And we talked, and I felt close to him. I let him hold my hand. And when we were intimate it was like I was the most precious cherished thing in the world. How could I not loose my heart to a man who needed me, told me I was important to him, told me he loved me, even if just as a friend. And he kept giving me just enough hope to stick around, to keep putting out. I became the booty call. We stopped talking, except when sex was the outcome. And I kept trying to move on and date or whatever. But I couldn't do it if he was always there just waiting to give me heaven only to take it way. <br />
<br />
And of course it was just so I would put out.<br />
Because I am too weird to date.<br />
I am not attractive enough.<br />
I am a single mother and that isn't attractive.<br />
I am to freaky.<br />
I am bi.<br />
<br />
<br />And the moment I say, forget it I am not putting out anymore...lets just be friends...he goes off on how he didn't ask me to fall for him, and now I am calling him an asshole because I can't control my feelings. And then he blocks me.<br />
<br />
He who I told I don't do anal, because I was raped anally and then when I finally gave into Shawn's wanting anal he didn't want me anymore.<br />
<br />
He whom I told things to about having been raped and feeling worthless and wanting so badly to just feel and be able to have the ice melt away from my heart...when it did...he didn't want me.<br />
<br />
And then after telling me to loose his number, to never contact him again...he blocked me.<br />
<br />
Yet another man who claimed to be my soulmate, and just freaking use me.<br />
<br />
A man who I thought was my friend, whom I loved who didn't listen didn't care what I felt or what my needs and fears were...he got off so that was all that really mattered, right.<br />
<br />
<br />
Now he KNOWS not to contact me on my Birthday...even though we hadn't talked in a MONTH....he sends me a booty call message at 1 am last night. No happy birthday, no I am sorry I was a jerk. Nope, he sends his typical booty call message on the one day a year I told him I am at my most vulnerble.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
So this new friend I think is worried that I will start to fall for him, since I told him I trust him already. And I do, I feel I can trust him Of course, I know he can't be "The One" so he is safe. He isn't going to try to woo me just to get what he wants and as soon as I am all in tear my heart to shreds. He isn't single! Obviously, its only friendship. And it feels like real friendship we vent, we talk...he offers me things with out acting like its a big deal...same as I am with friends. And I so badly want to hang out and do all these things that I need a male friend I can trust to do...I want to dance and be silly, and go to art museums and talk history and go get all filthy in the woods falling down hills and climbing back up. I want to share parts of me with someone who doesn't see me as an object.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-49667585923136618632015-05-24T22:19:00.003-07:002015-05-24T22:19:49.531-07:00Backing up my old OKC profile.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="page-left" id="main_column">
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_0">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">My self-summary<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_0">
1) <strong>Stop reading this right now if you only are interested
because I am Bi. I actually consider myself Omnisexual. But just
because I can swing all directions, doesn't mean I am going to
swing in yours!</strong><br />
<br />
2) Looking for friends only.<br />
<br />
3) Read my blog...if you can find it... Meditations on
Mediocracy<br />
<br />
4) I am part Mohawk, part <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Hungarian+Rom">Hungarian Rom</a>. I am also descended
from Hapsburg Germans, Irish Catholics, and Stuffy Rich Welsh
Businessmen.<br />
<br />
I was working on my BA in <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=psychology">psychology</a> with a minor in <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Italian">Italian</a> studies when life
got in the way, someday I hope to finish up my degree.<br />
<br />
I am a single mother of a third-grader and a 4 year old boy. My
daughter is ADHD and has impulse control disorder, and my son has
Autism Spectrum Disorder- PDD-NOS.<br />
<br />
Before anyone asks, the situation with their father is rather
complex, and a some what sore point for me. He is not in the
picture, and never will be again. Period. And if you get me started
on it, I might end up in a rant about the poor state of the mental
health care in our world today, and the sad state of affairs with
the VA stops ensuring that veterans with Mental Illness are
remaining on their treatment plan.<br />
<br />
And now on with the fluff!<br />
<br />
I despise the cliche that most dating, personal, and networking
site profiles subject us to.<br />
<a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Originality">Originality</a> is
sadly lacking in today’s world.<br />
Obviously, we are all seeking something. Yet do we even know
ourselves what we need?<br />
<br />
I would delight in having a conversation of an intelligent nature
on just about any topic. Be prepared for random phrases in other
languages however. I spend five years studying <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Latin">Latin</a>, and grew up with a father who
often spoke in <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=German">German</a> when distressed. I have been
studying <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Italian">Italian</a>
in college, and love it. Ergo, I tend to not even notice when I am
peppering conversations with such words.<br />
<br />
I have an insatiable thirst for <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=knowledge">knowledge</a>, and a voracious appetite
for <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=culture">culture</a>. In
fact, prior to having been diagnosed with <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Fibromyalgia">Fibromyalgia</a> my life’s dream had to
be a <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=forensic+anthropologist">forensic anthropologist</a>.
If you don’t know what that is, think <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Bones">Bones</a> on Fox/TNT.<br />
<br />
I firmly believe that we are our past, present, and future. We
<em>create our own realities</em>, and have infinite possibilities.
I am a very introspective and like to ponder various <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=philosophies">philosophies</a>. Prior to
having my daughter, I was often found at <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Denny%e2%80%99s">Denny’s</a> or a <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=coffee+shop">coffee shop</a> discussing such
things at all hours of the day and night. I am relapsing from a
serious coffee addiction.<br />
<br />
<strong>And now for something completely different!</strong><br />
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<br />
To somewhat quote <a class="has_preview" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhHTN3M_AAM" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Escape:</a><br />
If you like <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Pina+coladas">Pina
coladas</a><br />
And <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=getting+caught+in+the+rain">getting caught in the
rain</a><br />
If you ARE into <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=yoga">yoga</a><br />
If you have half a brain<br />
If you like making love at midnight<br />
In the dunes on the cape<br />
Then I'm the love that you've looked for<br />
Write to me and escape<br />
<br />
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<br />
Ok I just had to do that.<br />
<br />
I think of myself as <strong>random, obsessive, and
strong.</strong><br />
<br />
I have a complex past, that makes me sensitive to some issues, yet
almost anything is up for debate, just for the chance to
debate!<br />
<br />
I am very <strong>open-minded</strong>, and yet value history and
tradition.<br />
At the same time I love technology and spontaneity.<br />
<br />
I believe I have lived a rather rich and diverse life thus far, and
seek experiences that will broaden my horizons.<br />
<br />
To quote my favorite song:<br />
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<br />
"Being like you are<br />
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?<br />
But some that do, lay claim<br />
Divine purpose blesses them<br />
That's not what I believe, and it doesn't matter anyway<br />
A part of your soul ties you to the next world<br />
Or maybe to the last, but I'm still not sure<br />
But what I do know, is to us the world is different<br />
As we are to the world but I guess you would know that<br />
- <a class="has_preview" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVHT-EJyqGI" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Illusion by VnV Nation: Victory not Vengeance <img alt="©" class="emojione" src="http://cdn.okccdn.com/media/img/emojis/apple/00A9.png" />
-</a><br />
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<br />
To quote my favorite poem:<br />
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness,
starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the Negro
streets at dawn looking for an angry fix<br />
<a class="has_preview" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkNp56UZax4" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">~Allan Ginsberg, Howl and Other Poems~</a><br />
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<br />
To quote my favorite book:<br />
So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken
down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and
sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge
over to the West Coast, and all that road going, all the people
dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the
children must be crying in the land where the let the children cry,
and tonight the stars'll be out, and don't you know that God is
Pooh Bear? the evening star must be drooping and shedding her
sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of
complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the
peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what's
going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old,
I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the
father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty.<br />
Jack Kerouac On The Road Copyright 1955<br />
<br />
I also study <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=Discordianism">Discordianism</a>. Hail Eris! All Your
Base Are Belong To Us. Zig for great justice!<br />
<br />
I used to have a website, but it is currently down. Damn you
Geocities! You can still find me on Facebook, Google+, and Twitter.
I also blog on a few sites, just google me! (message me and I will
give you my handle/name)<br />
^^^^^^^^^^^^^<br />
I am <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=quirky">quirky</a>,
<a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=intelligent">intelligent</a>,
and <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=dark">dark</a><br />
<br />
No, I am not covering a world of hurt with sarcasm and idioms. I
really am weird. If you can't handle a melting pot of
goth/geeky/granola muncher/new age/preppy hybrid-ness with some
gender fluid tendencies...don't bother being rude about it.
</div>
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<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_1">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">What I’m doing with my life<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_1">
I recently started working with a Media Production company as an
office manager/Public Relations/Booking agent. The DJ is seriously
bad ass, and I am trying to get him to do more actual singing.
(Message me for details)<br />
<br />
I am an ordained minister, and work with a few groups as well as
running The Crystal Rosewood Glen . I am a sanguine and a
Feline/Fae Therian. I am also a chancellor of a wolf pack.<br />
<br />
I am a poet, and have been working on my first collection for self
publication. It is called <strong>Potions Against
Pain</strong>.<br />
<br />
I am also a freelance writer/editor. I have worked on a few Digital
Magazines/zines, as well as websites in the past. Currently I am
also working on a book on Paganism and a few short stories.<br />
<br />
When I have free time I enjoy going on <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=hikes">hikes</a> with my kids,<a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=reading">reading</a> a book, or hanging out with
friends (hard to manage schedules sometimes, however).
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_2">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">I’m really good at<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_2">
Poetry, Empathy, Psychoanalysis, Reading, teaching metaphysics,
BDSM, anything I want to focus on...really If I want to do it I
can.<br />
<br />
My "boss" would say I am really good at both building up and
tearing down his ego in a single conversation. I can also out
random any ADHD tangent.
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_3">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">The first things people usually notice about me<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_3">
That I have ample clevage with two tattoos gracing them...one of a
rose, the other a spider.<br />
<br />
It depends on the setting in which I am being first noticed. It
depends on my mood. If I am wearing my now almost standard yoga
pants and tank top that has become my typical dress style my
tattoos stand out.<br />
<br />
Perhaps my pale skin draws attention, or my ever changing hair
styles. If I have my contacts in then my eyes are often noticed.
Which I have been told are soulful, and I sometimes play up with
makeup.<br />
<br />
If it is online-well that depends on my mood. (insert evil laugh).
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_4">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_4">
Books: I love reading...On the Road by Jack Kerouac is my all time
favorite novel. I enjoy Dean Koontz, The Hollows series by Kim
Harrison, and a wide variety of both fiction and non-fiction. I am
also a fan-fiction addict. I have a diverse collection of books
ranging from cookbooks, yoga sultras, Psychology texts, to even...a
few paranormal romance. I have lots of books on the Occult
though.<br />
<br />
Movies: What the Bleep do we Know?, Rent, Rocky Horror, Practical
Magic, Stigmata, the View Askewniverse. I enjoy psychological
thrillers, Superhero movies, docudramas, documentaries, GLBT films,
SciFi, and the occasional romcom when I am feeling down (I like to
wallow, and sappy movies help)<br />
<br />
Music: VNV Nation, goth, industrial, techno, trance, 90's
alternative, classical, jazz...pretty much anything that sounds
good and isn't degrading to women, gays, or other cultures. I hate
scremo, thrash metal, and hard core rap. I love Inkubus Sukkubus
(the highlight of my work as a writer was interviewing
Candia).<br />
<br />
Food: Thai, Vegetarian, Organics. I hate most American/European
food. To heavy and too much meat. I like bread.<br />
<br />
TV: Bones, Leverage, Psych, Lost Girl, Being Human (both versions),
Sherlock ( I am so sherlocked!), and Doctor Who. Once Upon a Time,
Big Bang Theory. Really liking Grimm these days, and have recently
fancrammed 8 seasons of Supernatural. I still don't get the appeal
of superwholock though. :(
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_5">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">The six things I could never do without<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_5">
1) <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=intelligent+discourse">intelligent
discourse</a><br />
<br />
2) Friends, to drag me out of myself when I am introverted and to
go along for the ride when I am feeling extroverted!<br />
<br />
3) my kids, even though I really need a break sometimes!<br />
<br />
4) music<br />
<br />
5) caffeine,<br />
<br />
6) books<br />
<br />
Bonus: Spirituality...which can be found in # 1, 2, 4, 5, and
6!<br />
<br />
Yes, there is even a religion of Tea! I am reading a book on it
now!
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_6">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">I spend a lot of time thinking about<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_6">
The essence of the nature of reality and cosmic balance.<br />
<br />
Human motivation.<br />
<br />
Bondage.<br />
<br />
Why for some reason I love two slash parings. Drarry and
Merthur.<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
So I think the match system here is way off. I have a friend I got
a really high match with...but low friendship %...we have been
friends for over 5 yrs.<br />
<br />
I met someone I have a 90% match with, and it was so freaking
uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
I met someone I have a 61% match with, and <3 are="" br="" every="" favorite="" friendships="" grand="" in="" like="" moment="" new="" person="" seriously="" share.="" single="" the="" we="" world.="">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
My newest pet peeve: creepy, up the nose-selfies. Why do people
take them? Why use them as profile pictures? Do they really think
its attractive???
</3></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_7">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">On a typical Friday night I am<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_7">
Reading something, probably online.<br />
<br />
Secretly plotting to take over the world.<br />
<a href="http://s131.photobucket.com/user/AnatKnight/media/Blinkies/__blink19mua.gif.html" target="_blank"><br />
<br />
Ok not really, but its fun to think about.</a>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_8">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">The most private thing I’m willing to admit<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_8">
I admitted to liking Jimmy Buffet, what self respecting freaky goth
Domme chick does that?<br />
<br />
Despite writing lyrics since I was 4 and having dated musicians I
have never had a song written for me. Nor a poem.<br />
<br />
I am honestly more omni or pan sexual. I find androgyny sexy. I
have dated Trans individuals, and have many good friends who are
Trans or Inter-sexed.<br />
<br />
I am 100% out, no closet, no coffin, no whatever.<br />
<br />
I am not going to cyber/sext.<br />
<br />
This is a quote from a recent im conversation that I was told I
should change to be my profile:<br />
<br />
"Anat: I do have some hopeless romantic ideas. but mostly...the way
I see it...the end game of dating is finding someone you can
tolerate living with, sharing expenses, and you WANT to have
morning, shower, and nighttime sex with.<br />
Bonus if you also want lunch sex. "<br />
<br />
Yeah, yeah...somewhat jaded.
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="essay content saved" id="essay_9">
<a class="essay_title" href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu#">You should message me if<span class="edit"></span></a> <div class="text">
<div class="essay" id="essay_text_9">
Intelligence is not an option...it is required.<br />
<br />
Romani willing to talk about shared heritage. I want to embrace my
Roma roots more.<br />
<br />
<strong>No Couples</strong><br />
<strong>I repeat absolutely positively no couples</strong><br />
Just because I am bi does not mean I am looking for
threesomes!<br />
<br />
<strong>I am not going to reply to requests for sex, phone numbers,
anyone who is crude, uses poor grammar, is older than 40, or just
plain creeps me out. Or who looks like a douche or
ghetto.</strong><br />
<br />
I am not looking for anything but friends. At least to start.<br />
<br />
I am always looking for <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=stimulating+conversation">stimulating
conversation</a> on a variety of topics, (not very fond of math,
however)and always willing to take on students in most <a class="ilink" href="http://www.okcupid.com/interests?i=occult">occult</a> subjects.<br />
<br />
If this song is you... <a class="has_preview" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38Vun2LYnoY" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Euro-Trash Girl</a> cause when I was 14 and a beatnik at
heart I wanted to be a Euro-Trash girl. I also secretly wanted to
date one, but eh.
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-5405615547058734902015-02-11T21:50:00.000-08:002015-02-11T21:50:35.332-08:00Cattell's 16 Personality Factors Test<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="width: 600pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr><td colspan="4"><br /></td>
</tr>
<tr><td>
Warmth
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.7
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="270">
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</td><td align="right">
/
</td></tr>
<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Warmth is how nice to people you are.
<span id="moreA2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are impersonal,
distant, cool, reserved, detached, formal and aloof. High scorers are
outgoing, attentive to others, kindly, easy-going, participating and
like people. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Reasoning
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
3.1
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
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<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Reasoning is how good at abstract thinking you are.
<span id="moreB2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers prefer common sense, high scorers prefer abstract thinking. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Emotional stability
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
1.6
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="160">
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<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Emotional stability is how in control of your emotions you are.
<span id="moreC2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are reactive
emotionally, changeable, affected by feelings, emotionally less stable,
easily upset. High scorers are emotionally stable, adaptive, mature, and
face reality calmly. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Dominance
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
3.2
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="320">
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<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Dominance is how assertive you are when dealing with people.
<span id="moreD2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are deferential,
cooperative, avoids conflict, submissive, humble, obedient, easily led,
docile and accommodating. High scorers are dominant, forceful,
assertive, aggressive, competitive, stubborn and bossy. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Liveliness
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
1.7
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="170">
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<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Liveliness is how much energy you display.
<span id="moreE2" style="display: inline;">High scorers are serious,
restrained, prudent, taciturn, introspective and silent. Low scorers are
lively, animated, spontaneous, enthusiastic, happy-go-lucky, cheerful,
expressive and impulsive. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
<small>Rule-consciousness</small>
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
1.5
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="150">
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<small>
Rule-consciousness is how much you abide by authority.
<span id="moreF2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are
nonconforming, self indulgent and disregard rules. High scorers are
rule-conscious, dutiful, conscientious, conforming, moralistic, staid
and rule bound. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Social boldness
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
1.7
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="170">
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<small>
Social boldness is how socially confident you are.
<span id="moreG2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are shy,
threat-sensitive, timid, hesitant and intimidated. High scorers are
socially bold, venturesome, thick-skinned and uninhibited. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Sensitivity
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.7
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="270">
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<small>
Sensitivity is how much you can be affected.
<span id="moreH2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are utilitarian,
objective, unsentimental, tough minded, self-reliant, no-nonsense and
rough. High scorers are sensitive, aesthetic, sentimental,
tender-minded, intuitive and refined. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Vigilance
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.6
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Vigilance. <span id="moreI1">[<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">more</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Abstractedness
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.2
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="220">
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<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Abstractedness is how imaginative you are.
<span id="moreJ2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are grounded,
practical, prosaic, solution oriented, steady and conventional. High
scorers are abstract, imaginative, absent minded, impractical and
absorbed in ideas. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Privateness
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
1.4
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Privateness is how honest you are about who you are.
<span id="moreK2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are forthright,
genuine, artless, open, guileless, naive, unpretentious and involved.
High scorers are rivate, discreet, nondisclosing, shrewd, polished,
worldly, astute and diplomatic. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Apprehension
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.4
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="240">
</td><td> </td></tr>
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</td><td align="right">
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</td></tr>
<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Apprehension is how troubled you are.
<span id="moreL2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are
self-assured, unworried, complacent, secure, free of guilt, confident
and self satisfied. High scorers are apprehensive, self-doubting,
worried, guilt prone, insecure, worrying and self blaming. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
<small>Openness to change</small>
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
3.4
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="340">
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</td></tr>
<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Openness to change is how not stuck in your ways you are.
<span id="moreM2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are traditional,
attached to familiar, conservative and respect traditional ideas. High
scorers are open to change, experimental, liberal, analytical, critical,
free-thinking and flexibile. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Self-reliance
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.5
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
<tr>
<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="250">
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</td><td align="right">
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</td></tr>
<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Self-reliance is how contained your needs are.
<span id="moreN2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are
group-oriented and affiliative. High scorers are self-reliant, solitary,
resourceful, individualistic and self-sufficient. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Perfectionism
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.2
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="220">
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</td></tr>
<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Perfectionism is how high you standards are for yourself.
<span id="moreO2" style="display: inline;">Low scoerers tolerate
disorder are unexacting, flexible, undisciplined, lax, self-conflict,
impulsive, careless of social rules and uncontrolled. High scorers are
perfectionist, organized, compulsive, self-disciplined, socially
precise, exacting will power, control and self-sentimental. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
<tr><td>
Tension
</td><td><span style="left: 20px; position: relative; top: 4px;"><small><b>
2.4
</b></small></span></td><td width="400px"><table cellpadding="0px" cellspacing="0px" style="height: 22pxpx; width: 400pxpx;"><tbody>
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<td bgcolor="#AB6533" width="240">
</td><td> </td></tr>
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</td><td align="right">
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</td></tr>
<tr><td><br /></td><td><br /></td><td style="padding: 3px;">
<small>
Tension is how driven you are, crossed with impatience.
<span id="moreP2" style="display: inline;">Low scorers are relaxed,
placid, tranquil, torpid, patient, composed low drive. High scorers are
tense, high energy, impatient, driven, frustrated, over wrought and time
driven. [<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null">less</a>]</span>
</small></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-47035778091447708262014-07-17T09:48:00.000-07:002014-07-17T09:58:29.713-07:00A response to the Dear White Gays article.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Dear Idiot,<br />
<br />
<br />
And I mean that in the nicest possible way. You are an idiot. I am sure there are times when you don't want to be generalized with ALL black women. Heck, I am sure you have about as much in common with Beyonce as I do. But for some reason you feel all possessive of the current incarnation of what you term "black female culture". Well, to be honest...it IS NOT CULTURE. Right now, the ever evolving time and technological innovations that are such a part of every day life are still to new to be considered a culture...it is sub-culture. Do you honestly think that in a hundred years, people are going to look back at the specific likes, styles, and dance moves of the current decade and say "this is black culture", rather than say the sub-culture of the post-civil rights movement?<br />
<br />
<br />
First off, "Blacks" did not invent the Ghetto. Jews, Italians, Polish, and many other ethnic minorities were in Ghettos long before the Emancipation Proclamation. Second off, "weaves" are just one form of hair extensions, which there is archaeological evidence of existing since Ancient Egypt. So if you want to get technical, they are Middle Eastern. Third, ok so Beyonce is popular with Gay Men...so is Lady Gaga, Madonna, Cher, Bette Milder, Liza Minnelli, and of course Judy Garland. Seems to me, gay men like strong women,with big voices, who appreciate gay men. I mean, Beyonce did stand up for their right to get married, she is an ally. <br />
<br />
Finally, I think you need to take a look back on the evolution of gay culture. Gay men have always had their campier numbers. There have been drag queens since the 19th century. Gay men have been calling their female friends 'girlfriend' or 'gurl' since at least the 1970s. As someone who grew up a minority; female, bi-racial (Native American), bisexual, and a polythiest/Pagan I observed rather than tried to fit in. The black women I grew up around remind me more of Michelle Obama than Media or Stella. When that show Girlfriends came on the air my initial reaction was "Why are these women acting like campy gay men"? I live in the projects, surrounded by what you would call "strong black women" who dress like drag queens, do nothing but fight amongst themselves, and hate anyone who is not exactly like them. Much like gay men in the 1980's who were driven by so much fear, and the blame of the AIDS epidemic.<br />
<br />
<br />
Food for thought.<br />
<br />
</div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-5615216373725650572014-06-23T07:50:00.000-07:002014-06-23T07:50:08.521-07:00Very Bad Dream<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So I had a genuine nightmare last night. I drempt that I was at a hospital, waiting for prep for surgery. Had to have my adenoids taking out, since my tonsils had suppressed their growth for years, and they had grown in and swollen since my last surgery. I was waiting with Madison, and Unknown ( was blurry in dream) female relative. After 1 hour of waiting I asked if I was going to get called back any time soon. And some random nursing assistant left a cart next to me with iv needle tips that were about 8g I would say. I ran to the desk, and asked what was going on. The nurse in charge said the guy was just trying to freak me out, the irony of having piercings and tattoos and not being fond of needles in a medical setting. <br />
<br />
Another hour goes by, and I call Tina to come get Madison. Finally a guy in blue scrubs comes and says I am in the wrong place, come with him. He walks us outside, saying so I can have a last smoke before going under the knife. Walks us behind the hospital, and then knocks us out with chloroform rags. We wake up in the back of a van, alone. We can hear the kidnapper talking about where to take us for organ harvesting. We manage to pretend to be asleep, long enough to trick him when he checks in, and then leave to secure another victim. He never checked us for cell phones, so I call 911 and she takes a picture of the van and license plate. We make it back into the hospital and to security. <br />
<br />
<br />
That is when I woke up drenched in sweat.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-1965807372427102282014-06-22T21:47:00.000-07:002014-06-22T21:47:07.963-07:00Review: True Blood Season 7 Episode 1 (spoiler lite)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Anyone who knows me knows that I am books over film adaptions. This is very true when it comes to the world of Sookie Stackhouse in many ways. The novels have long since ended, with Sookie getting her happy ending in a way that I figured it must have. Tonight HBO's True Blood starts its final season. Now, don't get me wrong I hate how far the story strayed in some ways. In other ways, I appreciate that the show is much more like and AU fan-fiction than being an adaption for tv. <br />
<br />
<br />
The episode starts off where we last saw the Bon Temps gang, hanging out at the Bar where Sookie used to work. And oh, boy does the episode start off bloody. And emotional. The major character death in the per-opening sequence shocked me. <br />
<br />
After the opening sequence it seems Sookie just can't catch a break. Her telepathy really starts to finally show just how bad it can be. Of course, she shows how naive she can be, yet again. But Jessica's really stepping up to the plate. Her devotion to guarding Andy's family can really be seen. <br />
<br />
<br />
Pam shows her strength of character when she refuses to feed. She has always been one of my favorite characters. <br />
<br />
Over all the episode was a strong start to what hopes to be a return to more normal storytelling. And hopefully a lot less nudity and gore for their own sake.</div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-36106023087753181982014-06-22T17:03:00.002-07:002014-06-22T17:03:42.359-07:00bloggity blog blog blog<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
What is the point if no one reads these?<br />
<br />
<br />
So I am attempting to gain an audience.<br />
<br />
This has lead to joining blogorama. So if you could click the link, I would be much obliged.</div>
<a href="http://www.blogorama.com/"><img src="http://www.blogorama.com/images/button2.gif" alt="Blogorama - The Blog Directory" /></a>Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-11539715587961955452014-06-16T07:39:00.003-07:002014-06-16T07:39:31.381-07:00Dreams of two Bosses<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last month I dreamt that I ran into Mike, whom I for the life of me can't remember his last name, the GM of Steak N Shake on Ridge Road in 2004/05 when I worked there. In the dream he was divorced, working at a different restaurant as the manager, and all the servers said he was a huge flirt. When I woke up from the dream I tried to remember his last name, and checked to see if he was still the manager at Steak N Shake (he is not, the GM is a woman now according to the internet). Not sure why, but I always felt he was trying to be my friend when I worked for him. And I felt bad that after his wife fired me for calling off on a day I wasn't even scheduled to work but was demanded to show by her assistant manager when I was home with Madison after a car accident I never let him know how we were doing. He cared. The day of the car accident I was heading to the Parma location to pick up my pay check, he was refusing to put in my transfer to his wife's location...even though the district manager wanted me there for whatever reason so my paychecks were still at Parma. And when I walked in, all shaken up, crying...with an injured 6 week old baby...he was concerned. I never saw him again. My last check was mailed to me, when I was fired for no-call no showing (even though I had called and said I wasn't coming in due to a car accident and doctor's orders to not leave my daughter in daycare while she had symptoms of possible wiplash).<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Odd dreams...odd memories.<br />
<br />
Last night I dreamt about Chris Byers. Chris was the acting store manager at the Pearl road Taco Bell in 2000 when I moved to Parma. He hired me in as a Shift Manager, trained me, and we were a good team. We always had a lot of fun working together, and a lot of laughs. He wanted to set me up a few times, never accepting my claims of having given up men. We guzzled Code Red. He was 19, I was 20 when we met. He got his promotion to GM. I got transferred to Day Drive and started training to be an assistant manager. I left due to being stalked by not one, but two psychos (Bill who tried to Rape me, and Midnight stick boi who had), and moved back to Middlefield. I returned to Parma in 2003, and Chris was still the GM on Pearl, when I returned to Day Drive as a full Manager (ie. second assistant but hourly pay not salary). When I left Taco Bell, I heard that they gave Chris a brand new store they built at a new location. <br />
<br />
In my dream, I went to that Taco Bell...and it was set up almost identical to the Chardon store I had worked at. Chris saw me and hired me back on the spot. I showed up for a Sunday night shift, kids at home with a sitter. I had a uniform, but no hat, no nametag, no idea how to make the new items, no idea how to use the new computer registers with all the new items. And was totally confused. He had dyed blond hair, and at one point came up behind me and made some rather flirtatious remarks. I got even more confused. I didn't see anyone on the board as closing shift manager, and he was getting ready to leave. I asked what the hell was going on, the place was chaos....and he pinned me to the counter and ran his hands through my hair. Really crazy dream. <br />
<br />
<br />
Why am I dreaming about former Male bosses? Ones that I was never sure if were flirting with me or trying to be nice when I worked for them. Last night's dream was very real. The smells of Taco Bell. The feel of people rushing around and bumping into me. The warmth of a body at my back and hands in my hair. For one moment in the dream I was aroused, and was floored to feel an erection at my back. Of course, having my hair pulled is a turn on. The dream ended when I was awakened by the kids, but I had just literally pulled him into the office to say "what the fuck is going on? There is no manager tonight, just one closer besides me. I have no idea what is going on with the people here, no idea about the new system or items. And you are trying to get in my PANTS!" </div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-65985168796652309702014-03-05T20:54:00.002-08:002014-03-05T20:54:34.588-08:00Readings and Results<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As stated in my last post, I had been a bit manic there for the month of February. Partly, I think, because of the situation with meeting <i>him</i> and having new focus, his ADHD feeding my own random bouncy crazy....gotta GOOOOOO ness. <br />
<br />
There was the meeting online, the taking a risk, a chance. THE FEAR. The caught up in newness and hope and feeling that maybe, just maybe for once someone would not see me as their savior...the answer to all their problems being in obtaining me. Which of course he didn't. For once the good guy rejected me after the communing, but before I got too caught up in hope. But the rejection hurt. <br />
<br />
And, yeah...I have issues and attract the crazies...and get myself in situations that people say ..."how the helll............"<br />
<br />
And of course there were consequences, with me, when can anything ever be simple?<br />
<br />
Ironically I think this has a lot to do with the changes I went through as a child. The ones mentioned in Autism and I part 1. I know that everyone expected me to grow up this perfect beautiful, amazing woman. My father always said I would be a heartbreaker. I could bat my eyes at a street vender and get a SOLID silver ring...free. I am told my laughter was like bells, and my voice was sweet. <br />
<br />
I went from a poor neighborhood to Orange, a super rich mostly Jewish neighborhood as a poor, chubby girl from a Catholic family. I was showing signs of Aspergers Syndrome, did not understand sarcasm, I didn't understand how to express myself in written English because it was too illogical. I was made fun of for having breasts, for being too smart. I made friends at first, but slowly withdrew more and more into myself, surrounding myself with people who were outcasts...and often times were not the best people to surround myself with. I let myself get bullied. I changed into the person THEY thought I should be. I buried myself in layers of masks and constant dieting...even stopping eating completely for months on end. I spent most of my senior year of high school drinking nothing but a partial slim fast (1/4 for breakfast 1/4 for lunch...maybe a few bites of dinner which I often would then get sick from eating and throw up, because my system was so out of whack). <br />
<br />
I used to sing. Quietly and to myself. Then one day on the playground when I was 12 my friend heard me and started trying to make me sing...shoving paper under my chin to amplify the sound. I wrote lyrics like crazy...all the time...until a few years ago actually. But it felt like they were making fun of me. And as we all got older I formed obsessions over guys I though I should be interested in. Partly to protect myself...they already called me a dyke. And every time a guy showed any interest I thought it was a cruel joke. I became who I was...because of expectations of others. I lost my identity. <br />
<br />
I have constantly reinvented myself over the years, mostly in an attempt to find who I was...to find a way to feel authentic, to feel worthy. I developed a fear of commitment because I was terrified of loosing myself in someone else. Because I DO change with every person that enters my life. My empathic nature means I feel too much of what other people do. <br />
<br />
I could go on and on. <br />
<br />
But let me get to the point. The <i>complications </i>that arose from <i>him</i>.<br />
<br />
I did a reading to see what the long term outcomes would be.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Reading
March 3,2014</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Question:
What will be the outcome of this XXXXXXXX?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Cards
used: The Well Worn Path<a href="http://www.ravengrimassi.net/wwp.htm" target="_blank"></a></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Pentagram Spread</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><ol style="direction: ltr; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0in; unicode-bidi: embed;" type="1">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;" value="1"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; font-size: 11.0pt;">Underlying problem: Book of Shadows</span></span></li>
</ol>
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<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Tradition
is the matter at hand. Acknowledge one's life experiences,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>particularly those that speak to
authenticity. Embrace where you are in life. Look forward to new
achievements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only half the work is
done.</span></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
So I interpret this to mean that I am half-way on my path, that I need
to face up to who I really am...that so much of me is the masks that I
have worn, even my voice is one I created, mimiced so as not to be <i>that girl</i>.
I have been hurt, I have been put on a pedestal, never living up to
anyone's expectations of me. Never feeling anyone ever loved me
enough. Needing validation, and so becoming someone else to protect
myself...because it was easier to push someone away, while trying to
hold them close than to own up to being scared. To own up to being
afraid that if I ever found my Prince Charming, I wouldn't be who he
wanted. See facebook note <span style="color: white;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/notes/nicola-anne-jones/the-dreams/10152633787993942" target="_blank">here</a> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><ol style="direction: ltr; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0in; unicode-bidi: embed;" type="1">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;" value="2"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; font-size: 11.0pt;">Consequences of situation: Handfasting</span></span></li>
</ol>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">This
card addresses mating, partnership, and integration. It<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>speaks of what unites and binds. It can also
speak of love and marriage.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
Um...scary...especially since there is the whole twin flames discussion with the best friend.</div>
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<br /></div>
<ol style="direction: ltr; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0in; unicode-bidi: embed;" type="1">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;" value="3"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; font-size: 11.0pt;">What direction are you headed in: Water</span></span></li>
</ol>
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<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Process
of movement and flow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When water appears
things give way, flow, or dissolve</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
So I am going to change...</div>
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</div>
<ol style="direction: ltr; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0in; unicode-bidi: embed;" type="1">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;" value="4"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; font-size: 11.0pt;">What changes to expect: pentacle</span></span></li>
</ol>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Stability and foundation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strength and protection.
Endurance and fortitude. Manifestation in the material world. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><ol style="direction: ltr; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0in; unicode-bidi: embed;" type="1">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;" value="5"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; font-size: 11.0pt;">What holds everything together: As Above, so bellow</span></span></li>
</ol>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Concepts
of mirroring. Your life is a reflection of your thoughts and beliefs. Look at
the cycles and patterns in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is time to look clearly at your life.</span></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><ol style="direction: ltr; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: .375in; margin-top: 0in; unicode-bidi: embed;" type="1">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0; vertical-align: middle;" value="6"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; font-size: 11.0pt;">Outcome of reading: The wheel of the year</span></span></li>
</ol>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">
</span><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin-left: .375in; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Reminds
us that everything moves and operates in a cycle. Look for patterns..
Acknowledge your situation or condition and be in harmony with it. Nothing is
permanent, existence equals change.</span></div>
<br />
This is how I interpreted the reading when discussing it with the best friend: <br />
<div class="_3hi clearfix">
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
<span class="null">If I had this as a reading for someone else...my first question after seeing the cards would be "are you a commitment phobic? "</span></div>
<div class="_1yr">
<span class="_2oy"></span><span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="_3hi clearfix">
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
<span class="null">I
see a movement in the direction of reconnecting with desires long
suppressed. Moving past issues, because it is the fear of integration
that manifests the negative patterns.</span></div>
<div class="_1yr">
<span class="_2oy"></span><span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="_3hi clearfix">
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
<span class="null">I
would say that the person was afraid of loosing themselves in someone
else, and that is why the fear of commitment exists...not because of
fear of rejection or being deserted</span></div>
<div class="_1yr">
<span class="_2oy"></span><span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="_3hi clearfix">
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
<span class="null">I see...</span></div>
<div class="_1yr">
<span class="_2oy"></span><span></span></div>
</div>
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
<span class="null">someone
who tries to hard to just go with the flow...but in doing so has lost them-self anyway...and now has the chance to FIND them-self.<br />
<br /></span></div>
</div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5666079791592446807.post-39745956486263344212014-02-18T23:19:00.003-08:002014-02-18T23:19:49.123-08:00Rambles and Random<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We all stumble through life, drifting crashing into other people eyes closed tight. We spend our lives searching for human connection, reaching out and filling the void with material things, instead of simple human contact, the beauty of nature, or ART. And as we blindly press our lives against other people, sometimes we find a spark, a jolt of hey I get the same things that you do. And when this happens we make a friend, but even then in this modern age of technology and instant gratification we fail to see that we are still just players on the stage, as the bard once said. We create elaborate fantasies to fill the void, we believe in these fantasies and these stories. Yet, really what is it we are all searching for? Do you know? I sure as hell don't. How can it be that two people can experience the same events and see them from such vastly different views?<br />
<br />
I am as guilty as anyone of failing to live by the words I speak, from time to time. I get myself into situations that perhaps I should not. <br />
<br />
<br />What is the purpose of this ramble? I have said time and time again that the love of my life was Valik. I claimed he was my soulmate. That I would never, ever connect to another they way I had briefly with him. I blamed myself for the monster he became. While I accept full responsibility for my actions, I let him slide to often on excuses of his mental illness, his poor choice in friends who preferred to sabotage our happiness, and on and on. About a year ago I had a dream, in which I was still there for him, despite everything when he needed me. And then I heard from our mutual ex that he claimed he wanted nothing to do with me and that I would always be there for him, regardless when he needed me. I SHOUTED out as loud as I could in all ways I knew how that this would not be the case. I was done, over ..,I would not keep him from the kids, but he has no place in my life as a lover or a friend.<br />
<br />
And I took time to be just me. Yeah, I flirted and talked to people online, but I kept myself at a safe distance. My sister pressured me to move on, date...including going so far as to try to go behind my back to set me up with people I would have no interest in. <br />
<br />
And then last summer my sister and I parted ways. I left the community I loved, turned my back on everything and was depressed, isolated. I decided in January that this period of isolation would come to an end. And since then I also decided that I would take a stand. Just because I prefer to be in the background does not mean I do not have a voice. And I will fight for what I believe in. And using words and wit I fought back against injustice in the community, offered to stand with those who were victims of plagerism. <br />
<br />
I also started a flirtation at Christmas with an old friend, from when I worked at Walmart. At first I thought it was harmless flirtation, a continuation of how we were at work. Everyone always thought there was more going on then there was, I was just comfortable with actually TOUCHING him, accepting hugs, and affection...not something I normally share outside my inner circle of close friends. But what started harmless turned serious, and he told me that he wasn't one for casual sex (yes, yes I know that doug-las), yet sent me dirty pictures, and would text me from the tub, egging me on into behaving badly. He then went on to tell me that what he was looking for, in his ideal mate...was for all intents and purposes me...at least the me he first met at Wally-world. And I thought, and I thought...and I hinted that I would be interested in seeing if the ice around my heart would met. And then his best friend died. And he deleted his facebook, and stopped answering texts. <br />
<br />
While this was all going on I did a bad, bad thing. And in one night met a guy online, and had sex. I didn't want this guys name, and felt uncomfortable when he acted like it was more than it was...and it was LOUSY...I tried to be nice, even texting him wishing him well and saying he didn't have to lose my number.<br />
<br />
And randomly, I met someone else...and felt a connection. The ice was melting. And yeah, things are not what I would have wanted, and there are complications, and shit. But I now have a true friend, who in my current manic state I drive freaking bonkers. And I am now working with him. And its <span class="st"><em>Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious</em></span>. I get to do something I love (network, use my understanding of people, creativity, and actually help someone else be what they want...to follow his dreams and his bliss.)<br />
<br />
I opened my eyes. I SAW. I took a risk. And while yeah, here I am still single, still waiting for a connection that will be mind/body/heart/soul....I get to connect with someone on the level of ART, and BEAUTY, and passion for life. <br />
<br />
<br />
There is a melody in my heart again...I am able to write, really write again. Not just technical jargon, and not the pure shite I felt I had been doing for the last few years ....but WRITE...<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I will dance, by the moonlight</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Full of love and dreams,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I will sing, under the stars bright</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Full of hope and uncertainty.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Not a question of principled things,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But a lust for life and the journey.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
No Regrets, these scars of mine.<br />
Dream Big, Laugh often, don't second guess yourself...be free. <br />
<br />
<br />
In Musica Veritas!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Oh, the revolution has begun!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anat Knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11297206250494041860noreply@blogger.com0