Readings and Results

As stated in my last post, I had been a bit manic there for the month of February.  Partly, I think, because of the situation with meeting him and having new focus, his ADHD feeding my own random bouncy crazy....gotta GOOOOOO ness. 

There was the meeting online, the taking a risk, a chance.  THE FEAR.  The caught up in newness and hope and feeling that maybe, just maybe for once someone would not see me as their savior...the answer to all their problems being in obtaining me.  Which of course he didn't. For once the good guy rejected me after the communing, but before I got too caught up in hope.  But the rejection hurt. 

And, yeah...I have issues and attract the crazies...and get myself in situations that people say ..."how the helll............"

And of course there were consequences, with me, when can anything ever be simple?

Ironically I think this has a lot to do with the changes I went through as a child. The ones mentioned in Autism and I part 1.  I know that everyone expected me to grow up this perfect beautiful, amazing woman.  My father always said I would be a heartbreaker.  I could bat my eyes at a street vender and get a SOLID silver ring...free.  I am told my laughter was like bells, and my voice was sweet. 

I went from a poor neighborhood to Orange, a super rich mostly Jewish neighborhood as a poor, chubby girl from a Catholic family.  I was showing signs of Aspergers Syndrome, did not understand sarcasm, I didn't understand how to express myself in written English because it was too illogical.  I was made fun of for having breasts, for being too smart.  I made friends at first, but slowly withdrew more and more into myself, surrounding myself with people who were outcasts...and often times were not the best people to surround myself with.  I let myself get bullied.  I changed into the person THEY thought I should be.  I buried myself in layers of masks and constant dieting...even stopping eating completely for months on end.  I spent most of my senior year of high school drinking nothing but a partial slim fast (1/4 for breakfast 1/4 for lunch...maybe a few bites of dinner which I often would then get sick from eating and throw up, because my system was so out of whack). 

I used to sing.  Quietly and to myself.  Then one day on the playground when I was 12 my friend heard me and started trying to make me sing...shoving paper under my chin to amplify the sound.  I wrote lyrics like crazy...all the time...until a few years ago actually.  But it felt like they were making fun of me.   And as we all got older I formed obsessions over guys I though I should be interested in.  Partly to protect myself...they already called me a dyke.  And every time a guy showed any interest I thought it was a cruel joke. I became who I was...because of expectations of others.  I lost my identity. 

I have constantly reinvented myself over the years, mostly in an attempt to find who I was...to find a way to feel authentic, to feel worthy.  I developed a fear of commitment because I was terrified of loosing myself in someone else.  Because I DO change with every person that enters my life.  My empathic nature means I feel too much of what other people do. 

I could go on and on. 

But let me get to the point.  The complications that arose from him.

I did a reading to see what the long term outcomes would be.


 

Reading March 3,2014

Question: What will be the outcome of this XXXXXXXX?

Cards used: The Well Worn Path

 The Pentagram Spread

1. Underlying problem: Book of Shadows

Tradition is the matter at hand. Acknowledge one's life experiences,  particularly those that speak to authenticity. Embrace where you are in life. Look forward to new achievements.  Only half the work is done.

So I interpret this to mean that I am half-way on my path, that I need to face up to who I really am...that so much of me is the masks that I have worn, even my voice is one I created, mimiced so as not to be that girl.  I have been hurt, I have been put on a pedestal, never living up to anyone's expectations of me.  Never feeling anyone ever loved me enough.  Needing validation, and so becoming someone else to protect myself...because it was easier to push someone away, while trying to hold them close than to own up to being scared.  To own up to being afraid that if I ever found my Prince Charming, I wouldn't be who he wanted. See facebook note here

2. Consequences of situation: Handfasting

  

This card addresses mating, partnership, and integration. It  speaks of what unites and binds. It can also speak of love and marriage.

 Um...scary...especially since there is the whole twin flames discussion with the best friend.

3. What direction are you headed in: Water

Process of movement and flow.  When water appears things give way, flow, or dissolve

So I am going to change...

 

4. What changes to expect: pentacle

Stability and foundation.  Strength and protection. Endurance and fortitude. Manifestation in the material world.

5. What holds everything together: As Above, so bellow

Concepts of mirroring. Your life is a reflection of your thoughts and beliefs. Look at the cycles and patterns in your life.  It is time to look clearly at your life.

6. Outcome of reading: The wheel of the year

Reminds us that everything moves and operates in a cycle. Look for patterns.. Acknowledge your situation or condition and be in harmony with it. Nothing is permanent, existence equals change.

This is how I interpreted the reading when discussing it with the best friend:

If I had this as a reading for someone else...my first question after seeing the cards would be "are you a commitment phobic? "

I see a movement in the direction of reconnecting with desires long suppressed. Moving past issues, because it is the fear of integration that manifests the negative patterns.

I would say that the person was afraid of loosing themselves in someone else, and that is why the fear of commitment exists...not because of fear of rejection or being deserted

I see...

someone who tries to hard to just go with the flow...but in doing so has lost them-self anyway...and now has the chance to FIND them-self.

Rambles and Random

We all stumble through life, drifting crashing into other people eyes closed tight. We spend our lives searching for human connection, reaching out and filling the void with material things, instead of simple human contact, the beauty of nature, or ART.  And as we blindly press our lives against other people, sometimes we find a spark, a jolt of hey I get the same things that you do.  And when this happens we make a friend, but even then in this modern age of technology and instant gratification we fail to see that we are still just players on the stage, as the bard once said.  We create elaborate fantasies to fill the void, we believe in these fantasies and these stories.  Yet, really what is it we are all searching for?  Do you know? I sure as hell don't.  How can it be that two people can experience the same events and see them from such vastly different views?

I am as guilty as anyone of failing to live by the words I speak, from time to time.  I get myself into situations that perhaps I should not. 


What is the purpose of this ramble? I have said time and time again that the love of my life was Valik.  I claimed he was my soulmate.  That I would never, ever connect to another they way I had briefly with him.  I blamed myself for the monster he became. While I accept full responsibility for my actions, I let him slide to often on excuses of his mental illness, his poor choice in friends who preferred to sabotage our happiness, and on and on. About a year ago I had a dream, in which I was still there for him, despite everything when he needed me.  And then I heard from our mutual ex that he claimed he wanted nothing to do with me and that I would always be there for him, regardless when he needed me.  I SHOUTED out as loud as I could in all ways I knew how that this would not be the case.  I was done, over ..,I would not keep him from the kids, but he has no place in my life as a lover or a friend.

And I took time to be just me.  Yeah, I flirted and talked to people online, but I kept myself at a safe distance.  My sister pressured me to move on, date...including going so far as to try to go behind my back to set me up with people I would have no interest in.

And then last summer my sister and I parted ways.  I left the community I loved, turned my back on everything and was depressed, isolated. I decided in January that this period of isolation would come to an end.  And since then I also decided that I would take a stand.  Just because I prefer to be in the background does not mean I do not have a voice.  And I will fight for what I believe in.   And using words and wit I fought back against injustice in the community, offered to stand with those who were victims of plagerism. 

I also started a flirtation at Christmas with an old friend, from when I worked at Walmart.  At first I thought it was harmless flirtation, a continuation of how we were at work.  Everyone always thought there was more going on then there was, I was just comfortable with actually TOUCHING him, accepting hugs, and affection...not something I normally share outside my inner circle of close friends.  But what started harmless turned serious, and he told me that he wasn't one for casual sex (yes, yes I know that doug-las), yet sent me dirty pictures, and would text me from the tub, egging me on into behaving badly. He then went on to tell me that what he was looking for, in his ideal mate...was for all intents and purposes me...at least the me he first met at Wally-world.  And I thought, and I thought...and I hinted that I would be interested in seeing if the ice around my heart would met.  And then his best friend died.  And he deleted his facebook, and stopped answering texts. 

While this was all going on I did a bad, bad thing.  And in one night met a guy online, and had sex.  I didn't want this guys name, and felt uncomfortable when he acted like it was more than it was...and it was LOUSY...I tried to be nice, even texting him wishing him well and saying he didn't have to lose my number.

And randomly, I met someone else...and felt a connection.  The ice was melting.  And yeah, things are not what I would have wanted, and there are complications, and shit.  But I now have a true friend, who in my current manic state I drive freaking bonkers. And I am now working with him.  And its Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I get to do something I love (network, use my understanding of people, creativity, and actually help someone else be what they want...to follow his dreams and his bliss.)

I opened my eyes.  I SAW.  I took a risk.  And while yeah, here I am still single, still waiting for a connection that will be mind/body/heart/soul....I get to connect with someone on the level of ART, and BEAUTY, and passion for life.


There is a melody in my heart again...I am able to write, really write again.  Not just technical jargon, and not the pure shite I felt I had been doing for the last few years ....but WRITE...

 And I will dance, by the moonlight

 Full of love and dreams,

 And I will sing, under the stars bright

 Full of hope and uncertainty.

  Not a question of principled things,

But a lust for life and the journey.

No Regrets,  these scars of mine.
Dream Big, Laugh often, don't second guess yourself...be free.


In Musica Veritas!



Oh, the revolution has begun!

Three Actors I am watching now:

Jim Parsons

Most well known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and the Human Walter in the Muppets, he did this little ad for fighting Cancer:




A very talented actor, with intense eyes. And a gay man in a committed relationship before you think of getting hot and bothered.



Matt Bomer

From Glee to White Collar, he has range.  There are numerous online petitions to get him to star in 50 Shades of Grey.  Defiantly going to see where he goes from here.

Another brilliant eyed Texan. Again ladies, he is happily committed gay man and father of three. But man, he has style and range.




And last but never least


Colin O' Donoghue

I first saw him in the Rite, a wonderfully scary movie, as the young priest.  But then this handsome Irish man won me over as Killian Jones, or I should say Captain Hook in Once Upon a Time.  Man, does he make pirates sexy!



And while he might be one good looking straight actor...alas ladies he is married.

Ultimate Break Up Song

Was going through my journals and found this song noted.

Yup this was the ultimate break song:

thoughts

An ex pointed out to me that I attract the crazies.  And isn't that the truth.  I have a horrid history of past relationships, tracing back to the fact that said ex- tried to end our relationship over an instant message when we were engaged to be married;  Roger, my best friend in High School and first love used me and tossed me away; my first real relationship was an abusive psycho who still stalks me to this day.  Oh and the father of my children told our ex-girlfriend and mother of his other child that I am obsessed with him and he wants nothing to do with me until he needs me because he knows I would always be there for him. 

I am 33 years old.  I have 2 wonderful, frustrating children. I have never been married, but engaged multiple times.  I have been sexually involved with 42 people in my life. 

I am sexually confidant.  Yet, what does sex do for me but make my life more complicated and feedback my insecurities about love.  I am romantically stunted.

But who wouldn't be.

 At 12 years old I had my first date, with my male best friend.  Nothing ever happened, but I cared deeply for him and continued to do so for over a year.  We had a few pseudo dates. He moved away. He and I remained distantly friends.

At 15 years old I started dating my best friend's boyfriend's best friend.  Nothing ever happened.  He held my thumb once.  We only ever doubled with Linda and Roger.

At 17 years old I started tutoring a 15 year old freshman in Latin.  He never officially asked me out, but I lost my virginity to him, and fell into an abusive relationship where I was informed that I would marry him, I had no choice.  I finally had the nerve to end things when he was in Juvie.

At 18 I slept with my female college closest friend, who whenever she was drunk decided she loved me. If she was sober, I was just her best friend.


So yeah...I have reasons to have issues.