The man that I fear...(Truth about)

Please note this post was written in 2009, and addressed to my ex Shawn.  


/steelblueskies


It really scares me that he lives near by. I am terrified of this man. We met when I was 17, and he was 15. I was his latin tutor. He was 6'1", skinny, long dark hair, goth, liked swords, used a line on me about my last name being Jones, he loved computers, rebuilt mine for me. I bought him a sword. He was kinky, and liked to experiment with various things. We lost our virginity to each other, were handfasted. He was schizophrenic and DID. His mom was psycho and always in love with and pulling a scam on another man. I'd get so mad when other women came near him I saw red. He was abusive. He forced me to have anal sex with him. He raped me when I was sick. He would choke me at times. I feared for my life. I didn't break up with him until he was in Juvinile hall.

I forgave him the summer I was away at feild school. I had been engaged to Mike Beasley by this point, and we were taking a "break" to sow wild oats and make sure we wanted to get married. Robert came to stay with me some how or another...It seems vauge now. He pushed my good nature to the limit however, and I drove him out. We stayed in contact online, however and he moved into the Kheperu townhouse. Thats how I know all of them. Almost a year later, after Mike and I broke up, and I dated some chicks, I met Matt Nowalanic and got really into him for a while, started dating him post break up with Steph. He was Robert's best friend. Robert showed up at my dorm room to take Matt away. When he got kicked out of Kraperu, he moved in with my mom's then fiancee John Boyle. When I dropped out I moved in there too. Robert at this point was just a friend. He knew I had a series of girlfriends, and didn't have any intrest in men. (In my mind by this point I realized he wasn't the guy from my dreams long since and had given up hope of finding my dream lover, my dark prince so I might as well be gay right?). On my 21'st birthday I had a party at Tyr. Robert was my DD since he was only 19 at the time. Alidar was there. So was my then GF, Sarah January. My friend Tabitha (who alidar was in love with) and her boyfriend felt me up on the dance floor. I got wasted and blacked out. Three months later I found out Robert took me home and had sex with my unconcious body. I was pregnant. I freaked the fuck out. I didn't know it was him until the night before I lost the baby. I ran and hid from him. I never felt safe at my grandmother's when he was in Ohio. I panic still everytime I see a car like he drove.

Its part of the reason why I moved in so quickly with Paul and Airic. Why I let the relationship with Airic get so serious. Why I flipped out when he grabbed me by the throat and threw me. I mean, the whole coaking while having sex was ok, but being lifted by the neck very not cool.

So I hope this explains a bit of my parinoias. A bit about why I had no intrest in Kryptmo (you reminded me of Chaos aka Robert). I was drawn into being in a horrid relationship that was utterly abusive and all because I thought I had found the guy that had been coming into my dreams for years. Now note how many charachteristics he shares with you. Granted you are dead sexy and brilliant, and he is midnight stick boi and looks scary. But all the same, it freaks me out sometimes. But I realise thats just because you ARE that guy I used to dream about. And while I have alwasy been turned on by the idea of anal sex, it scares me. I never wanted to have anal with Robert. He forced me. I have NEVER had willing anal sex.

That is something I am saving for, well you, if you'll have me.


This was directly imported from Musings to my Past private blog

4/11/09, 10:20 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

 

Self Exposure: A decade later

So ok, wow. Its been a decade.  More than.  And this was written what feels like forever ago.  But I am trying to let go an not keep the weight of baggage I no longer need. I was in and out of love with Shawn so often, it made my head spin. I was convinced later on that I was under a love spell the whole time. But I wanted that feeling of  safety he gave me when he was my closest friend back so bad so often. I wrote this and posted it on a private blog.

So here it is, me at 29 being dumb and naive and pouring my heart out to someone who wanted me to be something, someone I was not.

 

 

 To Valik pt 1 Just Questions

4/11/09, 7:58 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

Questions I need answers to:

Do you love me?
What do you want from me?
Are you still afraid I'd cheat?
Why do you play games with me?
Is it that I am not a sub?
Do you want to do mutual bloodplay again?
Would you let me burn you, cut you, drink you in?
Do you want to tie me up, beat me, make me beg?
Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for?
Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?
Do you want to break me?
Do you miss fucking me?
Do you miss making love to me?
Do you want me to have your baby all over again?
Do you still dream of getting married?
Do you want me to want you?
Do you want to know what I want?
Will you fight me for the right to take me?
Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak?
Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?
Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?
Will you make me give up my own kinks?
Will you let me take care of you?
Will you take care of me?
Do you know how much your tag line says to me?
Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?
Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?
Do you realize I am falling all over again?
What are you waiting for?
Will you be true to me?
Will you promise that I won't regret it?
Can I commit to you?
Do you know I am torn with these feelings?
Is this being honest enough with you?
Do you still think deep down that I am the one?
Why can't I tie you up?
Would you let me worship you with my tounge?
Do you know I have been celibate for you?
Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?
Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?
Don't you get I am jealous?
Do you know that I value your friendship?
Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter?
Will you claim me if we get back together?
Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?
Be mine?
Take me?
Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?
Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?
Do you realize that its always been you?
Even when I didn't know it?
Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?
Do you think it had to happen this way?
Can third time be a charm?
Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?
Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?
Do you know that I tried to move on?
Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?
Do you know how terrified this makes me?
Do you get what I want from you yet?



Hows that for a start?

 To Valik pt 2  Honesty.

 

4/11/09, 8:26 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

I dream of you often. I have been torn up inside trying to fight the growing feelings and renewed attraction. Gods I want you. But all of you. Not just sex. Not just playmates. I want to take this friendship that has grown between us to the next level. I am falling all over again. I didn't want to. Trust me I didn't plan to feel swept away again. I want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold you and be held by you. I want to snuggle and fall asleep holding you again. I want to wake up with your arms around me. I want to have your child again, but this time with you by my side. I realize that I should have married you. I was so wrong. All these years I have been terrified of committing to someone and being wrong. But I have made a commitment to you haven't I? I don' t want to loose your friendship. But I swore I'd not lie to you or hide things from you ever again. I can't seem to say this to your face, but I want you back! I am afraid of rejection. I always have been. When it matters. And you matter. This has nothing to do with our daughter. Don't be afraid to tell me to never mention this again.

I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life. I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you. I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love with my ex and baby's daddy.

I feel weak doing this. I feel brave doing this. I can't seem to find the cocky woman I was and just take what I want. If I could I would have kissed you last week. I would have told you that I wanted you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for pushing and pulling at the same time.
I want you to succeed in life. I want to be with you till we are old and grey. I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked again. Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel like you are not sure what you want. But that you are still drawn to me.


What I want from you:everything
What I want from you: the husband you once promised to be
What I want from you: monogamy
What I want from you: to know that I am the only one.
What I want from you: your mind, soul, and heart
What I want from you: My shawn. My Prince. My lover, friend, and soulmate
What I want from you: a son
what I want from you: the life you promised once.
what I want from you: you
what I want from you: will you be mine?
What I want from you: to be yours.

So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.

Happy?


So whats your response?

Three Opinions: A Third Grade Journal Prompt, and response

1.  Thai is the most enjoyable food, because it has a variety of interesting flavor combinations.  Pad Thai is one of my favorite dishes, but there is this coconut shrimp appetizer I had that also has lime.  I don't know the name of it, but it is the single best taste I ever experienced.  Thai iced tea is also amazingly yummy.

2. British shows are of a higher quality than American television.  For one thing, they have far less advertising, even product placement with in a show is much more subtle.  The kids shows are much more innocent and age appropriate humor.  I feel comfortable letting my children watch British shows like Sherlock, even when I wouldn't let them watch a US show that is rated TV-13.

3. The digital age is ruining children.  I grew up as part of the first generation to have computers in school.  Not only did it change the way I learned, but it took away from focus on such skills as having legible handwriting, being able to check my own grammar and spelling (even here I rely on that little red underline). Seeing how things are now with my own children, who struggle to write by hand even simple paragraphs, and type with the hunt and peck method but can dictate flawlessly...just goes to show how skills are being lost and the replacement skills are not necessarily ones that will take you far in life.



This journal entry was being done in tandem with an assignment my daughter who is in third grade was working on.  Same prompt, she had to hand write her answers, and not be as detailed.  I have typed this all out in less than 7 minutes, and she has at this point written next to the number 1 that is pre- printed in her school journal "pizza ".  She is staring blankly at a page not able to express a thought in a complex way, while I am still free flow thoughts just typing this out, and trying to catch any flaws in my ideas and self edit for readablilty as I go.  Yes, I am catching things like lowercase when I should have uppercase and imediatly going back and correcting it.  I am, waiting to go and correct spelling errors, but I am aware that the are there, and able to be fixed.  In the old days, we had to worry so much more because if this was a handwritten entry, any corrections would make it harder to read.  Legibility was as important as ability to understand the thought presented.  Now, kids can just speak into a mic and be done. There are books available for sale on Amazon that have less editing for content (let alone spelling and grammar) then my Seventh Grade term paper required!  

Is it than any wonder that the lack of skills, the lack of real world culture and appreciation, the lack of hard work...people older than I, and I am only 34 and look at the world with a cynical eye, have no hope for the future?

Alas, we live in a world of disposable people.  And all this becomes crystal clear just from a third grade journal prompt that my child is struggling to complete!



(imported from a failed secondary blog I never bothered to use

9/19/14, 6:30 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

)

Taking a chance.

I fall into routines, patterns. 
Loveless intimacy.
Unsatisfying couplings full of kink.

I think I convince myself that I am strong, because I have no choice but to be.
I don't like thinking about the past, I really don't.  I know it doesn't seem that way if you read all my past entries on here.  I seem rather obsessive sometimes.  But, I only tend to write when I am feeling too much to keep in.  And I don't write that often.

But here is the thing....


All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted.

My old therapist says it must be because I was molested by those boys when I was 3.  I don't remember it happening, but I was told it must have happened.  I tend to block things out.  I know having overly sexual parents who would talk about it made it seem over priority.  And it didn't help that my first attraction was to a gay man.  Sorry for bringing that up again Frankie, but well...its proof of my neurosis I think. I mean I had to fake crushes so as not to get bullied for seeming to be a lesbian, long before I even realized I was attracted to some women.

And I mean, hello I lost my virginity the same day I had my first kiss!  I thought and felt like no one would ever love me.  He treated me like crap and I was jealous if he looked at other people,. afraid I would loose my abuser, my rapist.

Yes I have issues.

Gods, I loved Roger so freaking much.  Now, I look back and wish we could have just stayed friends and kept things simple.  Of course I fell for the first guy who treated me nice, and "saw" me. 

And just dealing with the males here, seeing as I am feeling all panic attack ish because of the date and issues and shit, and my male friend brought up that it seems I am so into talking to him, not because of him but becasue he is one of the first guys in a while to actually TALK to me and not try to get in my pants.

But the thing is, I don't fall for the guy who shows me attention with out wanting anything.  I really don't I try to be what that guy wants and it never ever works.

No I fall for the best friend who wants to go road tripping, and needs saved.
I fall for the guy who tells me he has been waiting his whole life for me, I am his soul mate.

I fall for the guy who does want in my pants, but then rather than fucking me...makes love to me.

And I get bored with guys who seem to desperate for me, or worshipful.  I really do...and maybe that is one reason I am so alone.  Because I do punish myself for the rapes, and for the things I have done.  For letting myself do things I know will later make me feel dirty and then doing them just because I feel like its all I deserve.

NO ONE has ever tried to Romance me past hoping in bed.
NO ONE has ever tried to really woo me.

I have scars from the rapes, the abuse, the way I was raised...who wouldn't.  But I have bigger scars from being proposed to all the time, then cheated on.  From giving ALL of myself to another person and being told it meant NOTHING, and when I wouldn't fuck around because I needed emotions to be there YOU WOULDN"T EVEN LISTEN TO ME.  Yes, Roger, I am still sore about that.  I know you think you are in love with me now.  And I know when you are drunk you say you want to marry me, but you have nothing going for you, and you don't act like you care.  You just want me in there.  I became a slut because you made me feel like it was all I was good for.

And then Shawn came along.  And he pursued me for a year.  And acted like I was so out of his reach above him.  And so many people thought he was so hot.   So I was intrigued.  And the first time we make love it was like a freaking romance novel, and so yeah I wanted that.  I wanted the guy who loved me more than anything.  And I clung to it.  And I did fall in love with him, and he hurt me time and time again.  But still, when we were able to be just friends he was that best friend guy.  I could tell him things, and feel safe.  But I have no idea who he even is anymore.  Haven't in years.  And I don't love him anymore.  I feel bad for him sometimes.  But if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't wish he would have stayed. I would have been miserable being lied to and cheated on just so he would stay with me.  I would be miserable having to be faithful to him and never getting what I need in return.

Then out of no where I met Eric on OKC.  And he isn't that good looking or anything but I found him attractive.  And we talked, and I felt close to him.  I let him hold my hand.  And when we were intimate it was like I was the most precious cherished thing in the world.  How could I not loose my heart to a man who needed me, told me I was important to him, told me he loved me, even if just as a friend.  And he kept giving me just enough hope to stick around, to keep putting out.  I became the booty call.  We stopped talking, except when sex was the outcome.  And I kept trying to move on and date or whatever.  But I couldn't do it if he was always there just waiting to give me heaven only to take it way.

And of course it was just so I would put out.
Because I am too weird to date.
I am not attractive enough.
I am a single mother and that isn't attractive.
I am to freaky.
I am bi.


And the moment I say, forget it I am not putting out anymore...lets just be friends...he goes off on how he didn't ask me to fall for him, and now I am calling him an asshole because I can't control my feelings.  And then he blocks me.

He who I told I don't do anal, because I was raped anally and then when I finally gave into Shawn's wanting anal he didn't want me anymore.

He whom I told things to about having been raped and feeling worthless and wanting so badly to just feel and be able to have the ice melt away from my heart...when it did...he didn't want me.

And then after telling me to loose his number, to never contact him again...he blocked me.

Yet another man who claimed to be my soulmate, and just freaking use me.

A man who I thought was my friend, whom I loved who didn't listen didn't care what I felt or what my needs and fears were...he got off so that was all that really mattered, right.


Now he KNOWS not to contact me on my Birthday...even though we hadn't talked in a MONTH....he sends me a booty call message at 1 am last night.  No happy birthday, no I am sorry I was a jerk.  Nope, he sends his typical booty call message on the one day a year I told him I am at my most vulnerble.



So this new friend I think is worried that I will start to fall for him, since I told him I trust him already.  And I do, I feel I can trust him  Of course, I know he can't be "The One" so he is safe.  He isn't going to try to woo me just to get what he wants and as soon as I am all in tear my heart to shreds.  He isn't single! Obviously, its only friendship.  And it feels like real friendship we vent, we talk...he offers me things with out acting like its a big deal...same as I am with friends.  And I so badly want to hang out and do all these things that I need a male friend I can trust to do...I want to dance and be silly, and go to art museums and talk history and go get all filthy in the woods falling down hills and climbing back up.  I want to share parts of me with someone who doesn't see me as an object.