From hidden blog to Shawn
I haven't written to you in a long time. Things have gotten really
bad, out of control. I swore I was over everything to do with you after
you said you didn't love Madison. And I know I screwed up, we both
did. We have trouble communicating and we are both so stubborn and
caught up in being who we think we are and who at times we think the
other one wants. But when I am scared, when I am lost I still have the
instinct to turn to you first.
And I have been dreaming about you again. Those dreams where I can feel your presence. The ones I normally have before you show back up in my life. And I talked to Amber. She told me what is going on, and I am glad that you are happy and have reconciled with your family. I worry of course, because of everything you have ever told me. I hope you are safe, and loved. It does concern me that you told Amber you were going to go for custody of "Madison and the other little one". That other little one's name is Avery. He is two years old now. He is developmentally delayed, at first the doctors thought it was because of the screw up with the due date, and him being two weeks over due, possibly more they said. There is a chance that I really was pregnant from Dec. 3 and that all those tests were wrong. But he is a beautiful little boy, so cute and charming. But the doctors also say it is probably autism. Madison is probably autistic too. I keep telling her doctors that she needs tested for other stuff, but they wont listen. But she hears things. Sees things too. She is so grown up. So full of arrogance. She is such your daughter. She refers to you as "my real father", and says that she knows you don't love her but she misses you.
I was really stupid recently. I am sure you have heard through the grapevine that I am living in Public Housing now. Waiting on my court date for SSDI. The menire's has gotten a lot worse. But that is not why I was stupid. I slept with Aladar. I knew he was in love with me, and I went ahead and slept with him any way. And then it turned into a thing. And it was supposed to just be a thing. He knows, after all, I don't really do romantic love anymore. Everyone knows I always say the father of my children was the love of my life, but it didn't work out. But, I still have needs. And Aladar wooed me, so I eventually gave in. And we became a couple. He knew I loved him only as a companion. But the kids adored him. Avery calls him Dada, and Madison started calling him daddy.
But he wouldn't be Daddy. He would snuggle Avery, and tell Madison he loves her. But he yells so much, screams at them. And breaks promises. And then yesterday I was loosing it. Madison was being so bad, and I wanted to take her to the hospital. And then go myself for chest pains. I made some threats, but told Ali I was going to drop Avery with him until he could leave his Grandmother's. He asked for the keys to pick up Avery's stuff. I told him I can't do that, I will leave the keys with the office and have them give them to him to stay here with Avery. He said he will pick up Avery and Madison and they can live at his Grandmother's. I said no way. Madison is going off about how she is being bad to make him come back because he is only around when she is bad, even though he only yells. And that She doesn't think he is her daddy, he is fake daddy. Ali says I am not a fake dad. I say, you are not their biological father, you are not their adoptive father, or their step-father. If you are going to be dad then you have to BE dad. You have to commit to them, and put their needs first. You have to have a schedule and not this random here sometimes gone then back. He says give me a chance to be dad. I am coming to get them. I said, you should come to stay with them. Or don't come at all. You are not taking my children.
Hours go by, I text him if he can't commit to what he tells everyone is his family, then this is not going to work out. That we can't go back from this and to think because if he can't commit then I don't think there should be any contact anymore.
Avery tires calling him while upset. No answer. He calls finally and says that he is still at Grandmother's because he collapsed to the floor and is having vertigo. He can't move, and is trying to get his heart to still and has been since we last spoke. I say call 911 I will get help. Hang up, call his mom to tell her to rush over there. to help them. I hear her close a door and set down her keys. I just left there she says. Ali left at 6, he said he was going to your house.
So it is over. He lied to my kids. And that is a deal breaker. I don't care if I am dying from a heart attack, I will do what I have to for my kids when I have to. And I have no idea what is more important and why he lied, but I am done. DONE. Madison says someday I will meet someone who is right for me. But I can't do this anymore. I really can't. These kids need a father. But I can't give them a replacement. And it is not fair to have them be attached to people who are not going to be there for them.
Madison needs, well you. I wish there was a way of you having visitation. Just you and her. Its what she needs.
12/30/12, 10:41 AM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
And I have been dreaming about you again. Those dreams where I can feel your presence. The ones I normally have before you show back up in my life. And I talked to Amber. She told me what is going on, and I am glad that you are happy and have reconciled with your family. I worry of course, because of everything you have ever told me. I hope you are safe, and loved. It does concern me that you told Amber you were going to go for custody of "Madison and the other little one". That other little one's name is Avery. He is two years old now. He is developmentally delayed, at first the doctors thought it was because of the screw up with the due date, and him being two weeks over due, possibly more they said. There is a chance that I really was pregnant from Dec. 3 and that all those tests were wrong. But he is a beautiful little boy, so cute and charming. But the doctors also say it is probably autism. Madison is probably autistic too. I keep telling her doctors that she needs tested for other stuff, but they wont listen. But she hears things. Sees things too. She is so grown up. So full of arrogance. She is such your daughter. She refers to you as "my real father", and says that she knows you don't love her but she misses you.
I was really stupid recently. I am sure you have heard through the grapevine that I am living in Public Housing now. Waiting on my court date for SSDI. The menire's has gotten a lot worse. But that is not why I was stupid. I slept with Aladar. I knew he was in love with me, and I went ahead and slept with him any way. And then it turned into a thing. And it was supposed to just be a thing. He knows, after all, I don't really do romantic love anymore. Everyone knows I always say the father of my children was the love of my life, but it didn't work out. But, I still have needs. And Aladar wooed me, so I eventually gave in. And we became a couple. He knew I loved him only as a companion. But the kids adored him. Avery calls him Dada, and Madison started calling him daddy.
But he wouldn't be Daddy. He would snuggle Avery, and tell Madison he loves her. But he yells so much, screams at them. And breaks promises. And then yesterday I was loosing it. Madison was being so bad, and I wanted to take her to the hospital. And then go myself for chest pains. I made some threats, but told Ali I was going to drop Avery with him until he could leave his Grandmother's. He asked for the keys to pick up Avery's stuff. I told him I can't do that, I will leave the keys with the office and have them give them to him to stay here with Avery. He said he will pick up Avery and Madison and they can live at his Grandmother's. I said no way. Madison is going off about how she is being bad to make him come back because he is only around when she is bad, even though he only yells. And that She doesn't think he is her daddy, he is fake daddy. Ali says I am not a fake dad. I say, you are not their biological father, you are not their adoptive father, or their step-father. If you are going to be dad then you have to BE dad. You have to commit to them, and put their needs first. You have to have a schedule and not this random here sometimes gone then back. He says give me a chance to be dad. I am coming to get them. I said, you should come to stay with them. Or don't come at all. You are not taking my children.
Hours go by, I text him if he can't commit to what he tells everyone is his family, then this is not going to work out. That we can't go back from this and to think because if he can't commit then I don't think there should be any contact anymore.
Avery tires calling him while upset. No answer. He calls finally and says that he is still at Grandmother's because he collapsed to the floor and is having vertigo. He can't move, and is trying to get his heart to still and has been since we last spoke. I say call 911 I will get help. Hang up, call his mom to tell her to rush over there. to help them. I hear her close a door and set down her keys. I just left there she says. Ali left at 6, he said he was going to your house.
So it is over. He lied to my kids. And that is a deal breaker. I don't care if I am dying from a heart attack, I will do what I have to for my kids when I have to. And I have no idea what is more important and why he lied, but I am done. DONE. Madison says someday I will meet someone who is right for me. But I can't do this anymore. I really can't. These kids need a father. But I can't give them a replacement. And it is not fair to have them be attached to people who are not going to be there for them.
Madison needs, well you. I wish there was a way of you having visitation. Just you and her. Its what she needs.
