Rebirth of a SG

As you may remember I had made a promise to two different people that I would grow my hair out.  As you can see I did get it  very long.  And I looked 12.

What the hell was I thinking trying to be something/someone I am not.  Long hair is NOT me.


This is me

Short hair, sassy, and a teasing attitude.

did *I* make you have dirty thoughts..for shame

This is the real me, the woman I was, the woman I am meant to be.  Mostly dykish, kinda playful, full of teasing confidence because I know I have smexy talents,  make straight girls curious and oddly wet.  Have boobs that people love to gaze longingly upon (remember that is why I got the spider tattoo to give people an excuse).


So what if I have a few more stretch marks from having kids. And my hips are a bit wider, and my Right breast now sags ever so slightly.  That I am STILL lactating 3 years after giving birth.

Once upon a time I had the option of anyone I wanted.  I turned you away more than once!  You  were the submissive one, doing anything to make me smile.

I am a Goddess, everyone says so *wink*

And after years of pining, being "good" because I "loved" you, and waiting for you to come to your senses I got two nights of pretty lousy sex, a second kid, and treated like trash.

And for some god awe-full reason I was so damn horny and impatient I fucked the first thing that came my way and tried to convince myself I was in ~love~.  Ha.

And then came more celibacy, more desperate need to feed.  To touch and tease and torment someone, anyone damn it.

But I swore off Roger.  Yes, partially because it seemed to bother you.
But I CAN have better.
I deserve better.

But I let myself end up with Ali.  And that was not so good.

And that ended, and I swore  no more dating for a while, no men, not going to worry about it.  Unless David Tennant shows up.

Cause, he is fucking sexy...and Scottish, and was the DOCTOR.

MMMM.

Or John Simm

 

Cause he was really hot as the Master...hotter when he had David Tennant as the Doctor tied up.


But I digress.


I changed my mind, had a night of reminiscent fun with a pre- you ex.  But unfortunately, as wonderful, as amazing, as mind blowing as actual love making with someone who really truly loves and cherishes me is...it is just too fucking complicated to be more than a once in a while thing.

And I need sex.
Damn it I NEED it.
I need the trill of the tease, the anticipation and build up prior to any foreplay.

I need the smell of arousal, and the taste of salt on skin.

Long before you ever came to Ohio, Long before I turned the moniker slut, even when my sexual experience could be counted on one hand I had the nickname of Sex Goddess for my wicked mind, my kinky humor, and my teasing ways.

I was Banshee D, the Roll Call Orgy initiator of Gothic Classifieds.

Long before I was a Domme I was getting my way with tease and temptation, back when while my sex life had been adventurous it had been limited to Midnight Stick Boi and absolutely no sexual response at all on my end.  Or my one night stand and title of High Priestess of the Nipple Rings.  When I learned that I could make someone love me, make someone want me and need me with very very little effort on my part.

And I teased, and I fucked, and I experimented my way through dozens! Dozens!  I made gay men cum in their pants with my mouth on their hands.  I turned straight women bi-curious.  And I can still do these things.

Why the hell am I feeling guilty because I *had* the love of my life.
Why the hell do I feel like part of me is cheating on Amber still even.

And you.


But I never cheated on you.

Time for SG to return...

"Those" damn dreams

Published on

10/18/13, 10:34 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

Those damn dreams.  The ones that led me to accept Midnight Stick Boi.  The ones that kept me going for my lonely childhood, convinced of my own power of prophecy and the awareness that I did have a soul mate out there.  A Dark Prince... how foolish a dreamer I was.  I created a fantasy around the dreams and visions.  I wanted a Barnabas Collins, sexy and powerful and dangerous.  My own sexual inclinations had nothing to do with the dreams or the fantasy.  The whole time I spend in puppy love/lusting after a gay man.  Granted he is a dead sexy gay man...who is wildly popular in his role as a porn icon.   

Oh, and having a series of unrequited crushes on totally unsuitable types. That is until I fell in love with my best friends boyfriend at 15.  And got the heart ripped right out of me.  And then suddenly there was Robert.  And he was so much like who I had foreseen.  I knew he was too young, and it kinda creep-ed me out at times.  And I knew it couldn't be him, because I literally felt NOTHING during sex.  But you know as well as I do that it is easy to break down and destroy someone who isn't on a solid base to begin with.  


I will always be scared of Robert.

I will always wonder why the hell I found it perfectly rational from the age of six to think that I would grow up to marry a person who had multiple personalities.  And how the hell the concept of a faceless lover who I knew to be potentially dangerous and to have an affinity for Demonology and Hacking once served as a comfort to me.  


Oh, yes...sweet little innocent Cola...

Dreaming of a tall, dark, and deadly stranger.  

I should have been committed then.

Save everyone a few troubled years...

Honesty, revisited

Published on

10/18/13, 10:01 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

On April 11, 2009 I poured my heart out to you in honesty on here. 

Tonight I revisit that post and update where I stand.

I dream of you often.

I dream of you rarely, but when I do it bothers me.  A lot.  Because in those dreams I still feel connected to you.  Maybe it is my mind connecting with other "me" in other worlds, as each new universe springs up due to our choices. But there is always a sense of loss.  We could have been amazing.  You are my soul mate.  But, the bridge has been burned and I don't even know if I could ever be friends with you again.  No matter how much I want to be your friend.

 

 I have been torn up inside trying to fight the growing feelings and renewed attraction. Gods I want you. But all of you. Not just sex. Not just playmates. I want to take this friendship that has grown between us to the next level. I am falling all over again. I didn't want to. Trust me I didn't plan to feel swept away again. I want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold you and be held by you. I want to snuggle and fall asleep holding you again. I want to wake up with your arms around me. I want to have your child again, but this time with you by my side. I realize that I should have married you. I was so wrong. All these years I have been terrified of committing to someone and being wrong. But I have made a commitment to you haven't I? I don' t want to loose your friendship. But I swore I'd not lie to you or hide things from you ever again. I can't seem to say this to your face, but I want you back! I am afraid of rejection. I always have been. When it matters. And you matter. This has nothing to do with our daughter. Don't be afraid to tell me to never mention this again. 

I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life. I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you. I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love with my ex and baby's daddy.

Blah, Blah, Blah...I tried, I got a baby...he is the best little person in the whole wide world and my Avery is my baby boy and so wonderful...and just mine... I only have to share him with Madison.  And unlike Madison, who is you but young and female, Avery is more me but young and male in personality.  And you know what, I went a hell of a long time after having him to even think " oh wait, I am more than a Mom...I have needs"...and I gave in and took an easy way out...and got in over my head...and realized...even guys who have been obsessed with me for more than half my life,  once they 'have me' don't really want me...and I felt so unlovable.  So all those lessons I thought I had learned, and then unlearned.  Nope... the truth is to men I am just a sex object and love or even affection cannot fit into it or mix with sex.  But the older I get the less the idea of sex with out any affection appeals to me. So every single time my impulse was...I should be a lesbian...yeah...I really should...but meeting women is really fucking hard.  I wish I was a gay man.  At least gay men are sweeties most of the time.

So NO I am not engaged.  NO I am not in a relationship and trying to flaunt it at you.  NO I am not after a relationship with you.  I have sworn off relationships with men...unless David Tennant shows up at my door to sweep me off my feet ( and if you don't know who David Tennant is I pitty you... he is beyond sexy, with a great head of hair and geek...and he was the Doctor...

 
I feel weak doing this Nah, pretty damn freeing actually.  I would have given it up years ago if it wasn't. 

 . I feel brave doing this.

I can't seem to find the cocky woman I was and just take what I want. 

I think it is pretty safe to say that despite having some issues with feeling unlovable....bitch is back baby, and better than ever.  I can be blunt, I can be crude, and I am not afraid.  Living in the ghetto can do that to a gal.  It is kinda impossible to dress like a dude these days though.  Damn kids ruined it for me... the hips are here to stay, and the boobs...my gods the boobs are my worst nightmare....I am a freaking 44DDD.  I can't get away from the damn things...

If I could I would have kissed you last week. I would have told you that I wanted you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for pushing and pulling at the same time.

Blah, Blah, Blah...we played our game.  That is what it really is.  I try to get a rise out of you, you try to get a rise out of me.  We talk around shit instead of dealing with it head on.  Even when we are nekid and your dick was up my ass, we never really resolved anything...ergo ...all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put us back together again.

oooh...witty, I like that.

hehe.

When it all comes down to the brutal honest truth, I really don't think you would have wanted it any other way.  And I think that is why you throw yourself into the messes you do.  I sure as hell do the same thing, and in that way maybe we are just too much alike.  We need validation but we also need a challenge. But instead of manifesting in a healthy way...say showing love and reaffirming affection we tend to be insecure in those areas and instead reaffirm physical lust and sexuality and try to make loving us more difficult than it needs to be to pose that challenge we long for. Perhaps, it is a manifestation of the lack of love we both received as children from our actual parents, both of us being raised more by Grandparents who showed love in a more reserved fashion.  Perhaps it is that we both had to be adults before our time and never really learned how to casually date, or to be in anything other than a doomed or purely sexual relationship.  And, this is starting to sound like therapist case notes.

 

I want you to succeed in life. Well, why not.  I loved you once with all of my being.  Even when I am feeling particularly vicious and mean spirited, I still want you to succeed.  I might not want you to be happy (sometimes I like to imagine you have everything you could ever want but are miserable), but I want you to succeed. 

 I want to be with you till we are old and grey. I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked again. Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel like you are not sure what you want. But that you are still drawn to me.

Reading some of this I start to picture Charlie Brown's teacher "woh woh woh"...So many words with out really saying much at all.  

 What I want from you:everything I would like the friendship we once had back...where you can tell me all about the men you shag, and I could wax poetic about some blond chick's bum.  Sigh.

But I want you to be there for Madison.

 

What I want from you: the husband you once promised to be While in some alternative version of reality, we know this happened based on many worlds theory...the idea of it even being remotely possible in this world was crushed from my mind and heart on Jan 2, 2010.  

 

What I want from you: monogamy I don't think there is a version of us in ANY universe that is completely monogamous. I think any version of me would always be cheering you on for getting laid by some hot gay dude. 

What I want from you: to know that I am the only one.  You proved pretty effectively that I was not.

What I want from you: your mind, soul, and heart  I miss your mind.  Twisted and Geeky and so much fun sometimes.

What I want from you: My shawn. doesn't exist anymore My Prince.  Was a fantasy of a six year old girl.  I am pretty sure you just tried to be the person I wanted back in 03/04

 My lover, Each time we have hooked up the actual experience diminishes in enjoyability.  It went from "oh gods, I see stars" to "oh, gods, I wish he would just cum already"

friend,

 and soulmate I am still of the opinion that you are my soulmate...but that in practical terms that and a dollar will get me a candy bar.

 

What I want from you: a son Have my son now.  Honestly, I kinda think it was a self fulfilling prophecy.  In Dec of 08 I had a dream we had a baby and it was a boy and that his existence would some how relate to Christmas. I was pretty open and honest that I did want another kid with you.  And that I wanted a little boy.  I now have a second child, who is a perfect little boy.  

OOOh...lightbulb moment....do you feel that I only ever tried to get back with you in 09 so that I could have a baby?  Does all of this come down to the fact that I wanted a son, and I got a son.  And that unlike with Madison I have never pushed you to know him? That Avery has no father legally, I have never asked for a DNA test, or anything?  That he is Avery Jones.....my heir essentially?

Holy Guacamole Batman!  

I promised you I would never keep a kid from you.  I knew you had said you wanted to have a son with me.  Other than sharing a picture of an ultrasound with you, that showed it was a boy...I never tried to share the pregnancy/him with you.

But to be fair, you never really gave me the chance to. And you run away from Madison.  And tell everyone Avery couldn't possibly be yours.  

Ok...well this is Avery Morgan Jones:

 

 

what I want from you: the life you promised once.
what I want from you: you
what I want from you: will you be mine?
What I want from you: to be yours.

So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.

Happy?


So whats your response?

 

Questions Revisited

Published on

10/18/13, 9:00 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

In 2009 I posted a list of questions on here.  Months before we did the same ol' song and dance that we always seem to do.  And with Amber stating that you just keep saying that I know why you hate me, when I really don't...nor does she...or it seems anyone but you...well I looked back at those questions to see if I ever figured out any of the answers.



Questions I need answers to:

Do you love me? I think it is pretty clear at this point that the answer was that you did originally, and that a part of you held on to that feeling.  If you hadn't loved me, you wouldn't hate me now.

What do you want from me?


Are you still afraid I'd cheat?    I think it is pretty clear that you think you had/have me whipped.  I really think that half of the hell we have been through in the last 9 years was because you felt the need to test me.  I still don't get what is so hard to understand about my feelings on polygamy.  I only ever date/be intimate with/whatever one MALE at a time, I prefer to have a male AND a female partner.  I encouraged you to have a male partner of your own if you so desired, seems pretty self-explanatory.

Why do you play games with me? Has become abundantly clear that it is because you NEED to get back on medications.  

Is it that I am not a sub? You seemed more than happy when I took charge so I know this wasn't the issue.

Do you want to do mutual blood-play again? Not Applicable as I have no desire to.

Would you let me burn you, cut you, drink you in? N/A

Do you want to tie me up, beat me, make me beg? N/A

Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for? We had this conversation and acted upon it.  
 
Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?
Do you want to break me?
Do you miss fucking me?
Do you miss making love to me?

Do you want me to have your baby all over again? I think this might be the crux of the problem.  We fuck, I start vomiting at the smell of coffee, take a bunch of pregnancy tests, they come back negative.  You act like a jerk, I got my "needs" taken care of elsewhere in a hormonal truly epic fail manor.  Find out I was indeed pregnant late January...1st doc insists I conceived post Dec 23, I believe said doctor...only to find out at Ultra Sound time that I was much further along.  I screwed up like major epic scale by insisting that the baby wasn't yours at first only to find out later that there was no way humanly possible it could have been the Pedo's.
 
Do you still dream of getting married? Makes zero difference at this point.

Do you want me to want you? I am still curious about this...is that the problem?  Do you hate me because I didn't seem to want you enough?  Is it that I never really needed you? 
 
Do you want to know what I want?
Will you fight me for the right to take me?
Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak?
Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?
Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?
Will you make me give up my own kinks?
Will you let me take care of you?
Will you take care of me?
Do you know how much your tag line says to me?

Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?

Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?
Do you realize I am falling all over again?
What are you waiting for?
Will you be true to me?
Will you promise that I won't regret it?
Can I commit to you?
Do you know I am torn with these feelings?

Is this being honest enough with you?

Do you still think deep down that I am the one?
Why can't I tie you up?
Would you let me worship you with my tounge?
Do you know I have been celibate for you?
Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?
Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?
Don't you get I am jealous?
Do you know that I value your friendship?


Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter?  Hello?  I tried to stay friends with you even after everything fell apart yet again.  I have always, always tried to make sure you and Madison could have a relationship.  She needs her daddy. 

Will you claim me if we get back together?
Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?
Be mine?
Take me?
Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?
Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?
Do you realize that its always been you?
Even when I didn't know it?
Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?
Do you think it had to happen this way?
Can third time be a charm?
Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?
Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?
Do you know that I tried to move on?
Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?
Do you know how terrified this makes me?
Do you get what I want from you yet?



We, or more like, I tried really hard this last time.  I was 100% ready for a monogamous committed relationship.  I was more than ready to say those two little words and made a legal binding commitment.  And then you lied to me.  You left my bed and our family Christmas day to go fuck some other chick, hours after being intimate with me.  And I realized then and there, I was done.  I could never be intimate with you again.  We would never be able to bring back the love we had shared in the beginning. I knew I would always care about you.  And I wanted to be your friend.  Hell, I took you to take your drivers test.  I tried my damnedest to be a good friend.  

And still the head games.  

Everything else came before Madison.

Your male friend that was always around at that time told me you threatened him that I belonged to you and that he wasn't even allowed to talk to me or compliment me. 

Then one day you just seem to freaking loose it.  You yell about not loving the kids...MADISON HEARS YOU, creating the beginnings of some serious mental heath issues for years to come.

And then poof, suddenly you are gone.  No idea where you are.

Until one day I log on to fetlife and see a "friend" commented on some chick's status congrats for getting engaged to you.

And I continuously see pictures of said chick's funky stuff pasted all over my feed until I deleted the person who was liking and commenting.

And I started to feel pity for you.

Here we go again. Can you tell me its ok?

Another

Published on

4/12/13, 6:44 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

I haven't been sleeping well recently, I had a bit of a problem with my teeth.  Lost a filling and had it decay to the point of a nerve being exposed.  And getting it fixed caused major TMJ problems.  Finally got everything sorted out though.  Why am I telling you this?  Because last night was the first night I really slept in a while.  And it was a deep sleep, all the walls down, not a single shield.  And when I woke up I could smell you, and I started to reach out for you, before I realized it was a dream and you were not there.

It was one of those odd dreams that I have before you show back up.  Where its like half my dream, half yours.  You were at some weird hotel like building and you were drunk and sick, and some guy named James called me to take care of you.  I get there and you are passed out on a bed, drunk covered in your own vomit and piss.  I cleaned you up, and tucked you in.  You grabbed my wrist and pulled me into you.  Holding me tight and giving me the sweetest kiss.  The next part of the dream was you waking up, angry that I was there, until you realized that I was the one to take care of you.  You yelled at me, raged and threw accusations about how I made you into the jerk and womanizer you became.  That it was my fault.  That all you ever wanted was me, and a simple life.  But I had to hurt you and hide things from you.  I had to keep telling you over and over that I wouldn't marry you.  And how was that supposed to make you feel.  I cried and told you that I know, and don't you think that it eats at me every single day of my life.  That my fears ruined the best thing to ever happen to me.  That I always felt like you loved the image of me, not the real me.  That just like everyone else you would grow tired of my insecurities and neurosis and run away.  That you wanted the confidant woman that I pretended to be, not the vulnerable woman who just wants to fit in and belong. 


Waking up from that feeling that you are with me, and then discovering it was just another dream kinda hurt.  So I have been depressed today.

And what do I do when I am depressed?  Watch Romantic Comedy to feel worse about myself.


So here I am having watched a stupid RomCom, and it just is so much ironic "The Jerk Theory" and I see us in the mistakes they made.  Here is the song.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDyCdIE8zwE