What I want in a man.

What I want in a partner:
I want a man who is not going to be lead by me, yet will not expect me to be a 'stepford' wife.  I want a man who will share my life, and my experiences, yet let me have my own interests and quite self-reflection.  I want a man who as intellectual or more so than I myself am. He should feel the wanderlust that I do, have dreams that are big, and ambition that is even bigger.  He should be able to embrace both his masculine and feminine sides of his personality. He should be creative and aritistic.  Deeply spiritual and embrace the dark.  Sensual and experimental.  He should be a caring individual who helps those in need, and can relate to those down and out.  He should be classy, and have a nobility of spirit. 

Most of all he should want to share his life with me, and be able to be honest and upfront when his needs are not being me, and not only expect me to do the same but to call me out so to speak if I fail to hold up my end of the relationship. 

I want passion, and ideally marraige and monogamy even when I cannot admit to it.

I want my the dark stranger who haunted my dreams.

partial rant

I just went back over and re-read my old blog entries.  And man, I have to say I am one fucked up individual.  It is clear by my language usage when I am in a manic state.  It is also clear that my supposed vast intellect is only ever used fully to ramble on about whatever my current obsession is. I do and say quite a bit of stupid things.  I hit a nail on the head once by saying I am obsessed with obsessions.  My mind works by fixating on someone or something and clinging to it.  I trust outside influences overly to judge reality in order to have a springing board for my lifestyle.  I am easily lead.  Yet I have a grandiose image of myself.  Let me reiterate...I am one really fucked up person. 

This season of being for myself has been one of nostalgia.  Looking back on my life and analyzing everything.  I have decided that I am well versed in the talent of self-deception, as well as being rather given to compulsions and lack of impulse control.

For a while I wanted to wallow in the lack of romantic interest I have.  Feeling the need to fixate on one or more individuals in a sexual manner in order to fuel fantasy and erotic dreams.  While at the same time finding very little in life to be actually stimulating.  I realize that I have a need to be in love.  In one way my stalker is totally correct.

Yet perhaps this need to be interested and focused on someone is a way of self-denying my true feelings.  I realize I used to do the same thing when I was a child. I also had the same pat

Root Chakra Experiment and info

Chakra One:


Earth, Physical identity, oriented to self-preservation


Located at the base of the spine, this chakra forms our foundation. It

represents the element earth, and is therefore related to our survival

instincts, and to our sense of grounding and connection to our bodies

and the physical plane. Ideally this chakra brings us health, prosperity,

security, and dynamic presence.

From :http://sacredcenters.com/chakras.html 

We as Darkborne have a unique spiritual makeup.  One of the theories that I have been investigating for the last few years is the presence of chakras in Darkborne and the various spiritual types that exist in our community.  My reserch has led me to belive that while humans all have the main seven chakras, other beings do not.  For example astral beings seem to have similar chakras from the solar plexus chakra on.  Angels seem to have from the Heart chakra up.

It has been discussed amongst scholars of the vampiric community that the need to feed is created by the breaking of the energy center in the body.  In the darkborne it has been theorised that perhaps the need to feed is created by the improper alignment of the host soul's chakras with the chakras of the, for lack of better term, guest spirit. 

I have begun to reserch if it is possible to destroy chakras, therby aligning the spirits of my human half with that of Anat.  So far I was able to remove the root chakra.  I have felt no ill effects from this.  I absorbed the energy into higher chakras, and have in fact felt less of a need to indulge in physical desires.  While food and drink still are enjoyable, it is more from a distanced perspective.  I worried that I would feel a loss of the grounding to my physical form, and in a way there is a greater distance between my mind and my body.  My energies are able to be focused more on the needs of my higher self.  I have been more tired of late, but that could be attributed to long work hours, and few hours of rest.  I will continue to moniter my progress before I attempt anymore chakra altering. 

Last Nights Dream

I was walking around some sort of amusement park or fair.  There was this building with an open front that was supposed to be an optical illusion.  When I looked in I saw a tree, then I looked away and saw South American warriors, probably Mayan. I thought it was all the illusion, some horrific scene.  Then three of the men moved and said they were tired of standing there.  Odd.

So I continued on past Jamaican, Chinese, Japanese, and other themed buildings.  I paid little attention, other than thinking I should get a margarita.  But I had a goal and I was not sure what it was.  I entered into a building I was drawn to.  In it was a display of tarot cards that were nothing like the traditional.  Some were Irish Goddesses, some where vampires from history/fiction/actors who played.  There were ouija boards, dice boards for divination (and one set of bloodstone dice I admired), and jewelry of   all sorts of odd natures.  There were quite a few men in the shop, and they all acted like I had to prove I belong.  The proprietor acted like he expected me.  He wanted to help me find my answers.  He had everybody but me leave, and I was  at the end of the counter and there was a table with a display of metal jewelry and a welder.  I touched one of the necklaces, and accidentally bumped the table and the welder fell over.  but I got it picked back up, but burned my fingers.  The propreiter said not to worry about I saught answers that could be found here. 



Then my mom came in and woke me up asking me what time I had to work.

weird program

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