Autism and I Part 1

I have been thinking a lot lately.  Now, wait I know that is normal for me, but hear me out.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how it seems now that I am undeniably an adult all the things that should have been taken care of when I was a child are finally being taken care of.  Like having a tonsillectomy in 2008.  And now getting my TMJ addressed.  And being told when Avery had his autism evaluation that I should get evaluated as well.

I do have many of the markers of Asperger's syndrome.  Of course, come May with the release of the DSM-5 Asperger's will no longer be a unique diagnosis, and will be "Mild Autism".  But what does this mean for me, and what good would having an Autism diagnosis do me in my Thirties? How has autistic characteristics shaped my life?

I was a normal little girl once, or at least that is what I have been told.  I don't really remember it.  Everyone always says that I started out a very happy child, social and full of fun.   I lost my hearing at age 3 due to chronic ear infections, but was able to regain most of it before it could cause any problems with speech.  I have always wondered why they never gave me tubes, since I continued to have chronic ear infections well into adulthood.  This might be tied to having Menire's disease, but I think I will never know.  The only thing I do remember about the early years of my life is being amazed at how high the piles of snow in the apartment parking lot were the year we lived in Wisconsin. And being locked into a footlocker by the two older boys that always wanted to play with me.   Therapists have often asked if I think I was sexually molested by them, or someone else, but the memories are gone.

I do remember bits and pieces of things that happened when I was between the ages of five and seven, but it has always felt as distant as if it had happened in a past life. I know I had good friends, but that I could never play outside of school because of my father's alcoholism.  I know I spent way to much time at the Bar with him, or at Dairy Mart with my mother.  I very clearly remember the physical threats and having things thrown at me when my father was in a drunk rage.  My parents always denied that my father was violent with me.  But the fact that I do have a nearly eidetic of places and things I read and saw and can describe in vivid detail when I let myself think about those three years. 

My concept of self, and who I am begins at the age of eight.  I was going through physical and mental changes.  My parents were divorcing and my mother and I moved in with my Grandparents.  I had gained weight, was beginning puberty and was very self conscious of the  results of hormonal changes on my body.  I wanted to escape to a fantasy world, and was obsessed with Oz above all other fantasy literature.  I knew I was suffering from Manic Depression.  I read about it after recognizing that my thoughts and behavior were similar to both my father and my grandfather who both had diagnosis. I was well aware that being suicidal at age 8 was highly unusual and that my inner fantasy world was illogical. 

Read that again....I was well aware that being suicidal at age 8 was highly unusual and that my inner fantasy world was  illogical.  I was like a mini-adult.  Logic and reason was constantly at war with the urges and delusions.  I became obsessed with the human condition. Anthropology, psychology, religion, history, and philosophy I had to know everything about.  By the time I was thirteen I had mapped out in my head a path for education and continual learning that involved wanting to get five Doctorates!

At this stage of my life I think it is clear that my single minded obsession with knowing humanity would be a red flag for someone screening for autism spectrum.


To be continued....  

Finally fixed

After many dentist visits, and an ER visit I am finally no longer in excruciating pain.  I am back to being able to sleep at night.

Sleep...what is that

Once upon a time sleeping four hours a night was fine.  It was normal.  Then I grew up and had kids.  I have always been a lucky mom, for whom my baby slept through the night easily and early.  And even when something goes wrong and I have a restless night I still would get that four hours a night.

Then the last month happened.  Madison is going batsh$# crazy.  And has insomnia like mad.  I mean seriously the girl will stay up til 4 am and then wake up at 7. Got her taking sleep aids, and when she finally slept for more than four hours, Avery started having trouble sleeping.  Waking up coughing, runny nose, etc.  Waking up at 5 am and crying like mad.  I seriously start thinking that maybe the autism people can get me weighted blankets for these two. 

The night finally comes when BOTH kids are in bed asleep by 1am.  I lay down to go to sleep, exhausted beyond all reason after 3 weeks of being up more than half the night with the kids.  I get cozy, start to drift off and then out of nowhere...OUCH.  My teeth start hurting.  Not just like a tooth ache, like my gums are sore, my cheek swells up, and it feels like an ice pick is being repeatedly stabbed into my sinuses.

It has been two weeks and I have slept for maybe 2 hours in a stretch.

Life as ever is a challenge for me. Currently I feel alone on a vast ocean of rough and violent waves. I am not alone for lack of people whom I love and love me. I have my sister, who is busy with her children and her husband. I have my best friend, who is in serious trouble and so far away. I have my newest member of my spiritual family, whom I text with and talk to regularly, my brother wolf. I have members of my spiritual family, dear friends, people who have busy lives just as I do. But when it comes down to it, day to day I am alone with my two children. The only visitors we receive are those who are employed to be of assistance. My so called significant other does not reply to texts, he never calls anymore, and who knows when he will next be over. Yet he told my children he was going to be dad. He told my daughter he was going to marry me and adopt her. It hasn't even been three months since we originally decided to try to make a go at a relationship rather then the friendship we had for the last 17 years.

I also feel alone because there are two people I am missing desperately. Somewhere out there is my Yang. My Ben. The male me, my spiritual twin soul. I have not heard from or seen Ben in 8 years now. But I think of him constantly. I also miss Shawn. And I don't mean as a lover (honestly, not that big of a deal), nor do I mean as a romantic partner (although I will always say that he was, is, the love of my life...), but as the friend. The person who made me feel safe, the person who I poured my heart out to and would do the same. After we failed as fiancées, after we failed as so many versions of being a couple, before we tried again one last time...he was my best friend. Yes, there were lies, and things which I didn't know, and yes, time and time again he hates me for some reason. But the truth is as desperately scared as I am right now because of the mental state of my daughter....I need him. I need to hear his voice telling me that its ok, and that we will get though this. I need to hear him laugh and get all geeky on me to get my mind off of how I am going to manage everything going on. I need him to pop over, and want coffee and to sit at my table while looking up at me through his hair being all coy and shy. And by gods, I need my best friend to hold my hand while I cry because I feel that I will be alone forever...that I am only attractive enough for a booty call, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, because here I am supposed to be dating someone who has been in love with me for 15 YEARS, and I am still not fucking good enough. Because no mater how many times Shawn runs away and rejects me, I know deep down I was his everything once upon a time, and I hurt him. Yet we still were able to be friends until I was pregnant with my son, our son.

My top 10 Actors

10. David Boreanaz- Booth

9.  James Marsters He was amazing as Spike, has a great singing voice and blew me away as a 51st century rouge Time Agent in Torchwood!

8. John Barrowman TORCHWOOD come on what is not to love about Captain Jack??

7. David Tennant- Yes, the Doctor.  But have you seen him do Hamlet?

6.  Johnny Depp- Do I need to say more?

5. Patrick Stewart- oh Captain, my Captain!

4.  Sir Sean Connery-  ICONIC

3.  Robert Downey, Jr.- Iron Man and Sherlock...brilliant!

2. Morgan Freeman-  He was GOD!

1. John Simm- The Master!!!! and he did a wicked Hamlet too.