According
to late education researcher Gerald W. Bracey, PhD, qualities that
standardized tests cannot measure include "creativity, critical
thinking, resilience, motivation, persistence, curiosity, endurance,
reliability, enthusiasm, empathy, self-awareness, self-discipline,
leadership, civic-mindedness, courage, compassion, resourcefulness,
sense of beauty, sense of wonder, honesty, integrity."
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
GAH!
7/8/15, 4:14 AM
Pacific Daylight Time
Am I a good person?
Really am I?
I am keeping a secret, even from my best friend. Why? Because I know she wouldn't approve of what I am doing. No one would. Hell, I don't approve of it. I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing. And really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so. But, I mean I threw caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts to the consequences. And why? I have no freaking idea! I mean I have always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me. I trust my gut though, I always have. My head keeps me stuck in my fears and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything. Anything at all. And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small way.
Here is the thing though, my gut says this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????
My heart says, he is off limits. He is just a friend. It will be ok. I know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with it. He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am not over Eric. He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other than friendship. I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is crap. If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves' and the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person. And I mean seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP. Don't ruin your child's life by making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.
So he has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know you. ..I know I thought he was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11 years ago we would have crossed paths. Possibly occasionally as early as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely. Drama Grounds.
I will never forget the first time I went to Common. It was with Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998. And by the time I broke up with MSB in April 1999. He had already been in Juvie for a while at that point. And his friends had been trying to set me up with other people every time I stopped in common. Like this recently recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.
Thank gods J is not JD from that memory...how fucked up would it be if he was. More predestination shit. More fate going you damn fool I keep throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!! Might actually still be that way.
Cause you know what? Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute, chubby dude I told Trish about. Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then fiancee? Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral herpies I would have been like, oh wait...no peace out?
But now I am all just like...I can't help myself. I knew how he would sound before I heard his voice. I knew how his kiss would feel on my neck before we even agreed to meet. And I want to sub for him, and I want to revel in how he makes me feel safe. So safe. Why does he make me feel safe? Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.
UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.
And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.
The face that every fiber of my being says
this is the guy who could keep up with me.
this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.
this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday
this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with
this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for
This is who I want to be my best guy friend. Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries.
Pacific Daylight Time
Am I a good person?
Really am I?
I am keeping a secret, even from my best friend. Why? Because I know she wouldn't approve of what I am doing. No one would. Hell, I don't approve of it. I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing. And really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so. But, I mean I threw caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts to the consequences. And why? I have no freaking idea! I mean I have always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me. I trust my gut though, I always have. My head keeps me stuck in my fears and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything. Anything at all. And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small way.
Here is the thing though, my gut says this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????
My heart says, he is off limits. He is just a friend. It will be ok. I know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with it. He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am not over Eric. He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other than friendship. I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is crap. If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves' and the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person. And I mean seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP. Don't ruin your child's life by making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.
So he has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know you. ..I know I thought he was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11 years ago we would have crossed paths. Possibly occasionally as early as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely. Drama Grounds.
I will never forget the first time I went to Common. It was with Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998. And by the time I broke up with MSB in April 1999. He had already been in Juvie for a while at that point. And his friends had been trying to set me up with other people every time I stopped in common. Like this recently recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.
Thank gods J is not JD from that memory...how fucked up would it be if he was. More predestination shit. More fate going you damn fool I keep throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!! Might actually still be that way.
Cause you know what? Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute, chubby dude I told Trish about. Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then fiancee? Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral herpies I would have been like, oh wait...no peace out?
But now I am all just like...I can't help myself. I knew how he would sound before I heard his voice. I knew how his kiss would feel on my neck before we even agreed to meet. And I want to sub for him, and I want to revel in how he makes me feel safe. So safe. Why does he make me feel safe? Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.
UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.
And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.
The face that every fiber of my being says
this is the guy who could keep up with me.
this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.
this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday
this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with
this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for
This is who I want to be my best guy friend. Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries.
Rebirth of a SG
What the hell was I thinking trying to be something/someone I am not. Long hair is NOT me.
This is me
| Short hair, sassy, and a teasing attitude. |  | ||||||
| did *I* make you have dirty thoughts..for shame |
So what if I have a few more stretch marks from having kids. And my hips are a bit wider, and my Right breast now sags ever so slightly. That I am STILL lactating 3 years after giving birth.
Once upon a time I had the option of anyone I wanted. I turned you away more than once! You were the submissive one, doing anything to make me smile.
I am a Goddess, everyone says so *wink*
And after years of pining, being "good" because I "loved" you, and waiting for you to come to your senses I got two nights of pretty lousy sex, a second kid, and treated like trash.
And for some god awe-full reason I was so damn horny and impatient I fucked the first thing that came my way and tried to convince myself I was in ~love~. Ha.
And then came more celibacy, more desperate need to feed. To touch and tease and torment someone, anyone damn it.
But I swore off Roger. Yes, partially because it seemed to bother you.
But I CAN have better.
I deserve better.
But I let myself end up with Ali. And that was not so good.
And that ended, and I swore no more dating for a while, no men, not going to worry about it. Unless David Tennant shows up.
MMMM.
Or John Simm
But I digress.
I changed my mind, had a night of reminiscent fun with a pre- you ex. But unfortunately, as wonderful, as amazing, as mind blowing as actual love making with someone who really truly loves and cherishes me is...it is just too fucking complicated to be more than a once in a while thing.
And I need sex.
Damn it I NEED it.
I need the trill of the tease, the anticipation and build up prior to any foreplay.
I need the smell of arousal, and the taste of salt on skin.
Long before you ever came to Ohio, Long before I turned the moniker slut, even when my sexual experience could be counted on one hand I had the nickname of Sex Goddess for my wicked mind, my kinky humor, and my teasing ways.
I was Banshee D, the Roll Call Orgy initiator of Gothic Classifieds.
Long before I was a Domme I was getting my way with tease and temptation, back when while my sex life had been adventurous it had been limited to Midnight Stick Boi and absolutely no sexual response at all on my end. Or my one night stand and title of High Priestess of the Nipple Rings. When I learned that I could make someone love me, make someone want me and need me with very very little effort on my part.
And I teased, and I fucked, and I experimented my way through dozens! Dozens! I made gay men cum in their pants with my mouth on their hands. I turned straight women bi-curious. And I can still do these things.
Why the hell am I feeling guilty because I *had* the love of my life.
Why the hell do I feel like part of me is cheating on Amber still even.
And you.
But I never cheated on you.
Time for SG to return...
"Those" damn dreams
10/18/13, 10:34 PM
Pacific Daylight Time
Pacific Daylight Time
Those damn dreams. The ones that led me to accept Midnight Stick Boi. The ones that kept me going for my lonely childhood, convinced of my own power of prophecy and the awareness that I did have a soul mate out there. A Dark Prince... how foolish a dreamer I was. I created a fantasy around the dreams and visions. I wanted a Barnabas Collins, sexy and powerful and dangerous. My own sexual inclinations had nothing to do with the dreams or the fantasy. The whole time I spend in puppy love/lusting after a gay man. Granted he is a dead sexy gay man...who is wildly popular in his role as a porn icon.
Oh, and having a series of unrequited crushes on totally unsuitable types. That is until I fell in love with my best friends boyfriend at 15. And got the heart ripped right out of me. And then suddenly there was Robert. And he was so much like who I had foreseen. I knew he was too young, and it kinda creep-ed me out at times. And I knew it couldn't be him, because I literally felt NOTHING during sex. But you know as well as I do that it is easy to break down and destroy someone who isn't on a solid base to begin with.
I will always be scared of Robert.
I will always wonder why the hell I found it perfectly rational from the age of six to think that I would grow up to marry a person who had multiple personalities. And how the hell the concept of a faceless lover who I knew to be potentially dangerous and to have an affinity for Demonology and Hacking once served as a comfort to me.
Oh, yes...sweet little innocent Cola...
Dreaming of a tall, dark, and deadly stranger.
I should have been committed then.
Save everyone a few troubled years...
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