Sunday, October 14, 2007

Late night ponderings on love, friendship, and longing.

It seems always as if the thing we want most is the thing we cannot have. Or shouldn't have. And the thing we don't realize we want is right in front of us.

I have been feeling melancholy as of late. Lonely and in need of adult companionship. But not friendship. I guess I would do well to see my best friends, or even a few of the closer ones. But I just feel like avoiding everyone because I am stressed out and tired. And I am craving that chemical high that is love.

I came to the sad realization that my life mirrors characters from fiction that I enjoy. How pathetic is that. Now, I cannot admit to even myself what I really want. Or should I say if I want what I am thinking I may indeed want based on the logical assumption that my actions are speaking louder than my words and that if I were to look at my situation from anyone else's perspective, or indeed if it were someone else and not I whom were in this situation then the conclusions I would draw would be one thing, and yet I keep denying that conclusion.

First off, let me go on record as saying that I never make the first move. I hint, I tease, and I give the object of my desire a way to seduce me if they see fit. If I do not see results in a short time, I move on. Typically. I almost always have a emotional desire that is larger than a sexual desire that I cannot just brush off. For example my attraction to Andrew. I am emotionally drawn to him. I am spiritually drawn to him. Intellectually as well. And man he is hot too. But I digress. The truth of the matter is that I have no qualms about seducing total strangers or those I meet online if the need arises. I can be quite um, persuasive if need be. Yet I still tend to wait until I know how the other person's response will be.

If I am inebriated, then that is another story. I can, and have made a fool of myself... well not completely I do tend to still know that I will get the reaction I want before I make a move to seduce. I am just a lot less hesitant due to high blood alcohol content or whatever substance I was on at that particular period in my life.

For example, I knew Roger loved me. He had said as much. I knew that he was getting at something that night, when I was with him. However, if I had not been drunk and high as well I would never have felt the overwhelming need to prove I could seduce him. He was my best friend. I loved him.

And then there was Ben, who I kinda had an idea that all of his 'push the envelope' stuff he kept going on and on about was not philosophical or spiritual in nature. Add a few drinks and a joint into the mix and I agreed to try X if we had a threesome. And we did. I kinda pushed away any thought of more one on one after that, even though I kinda felt he wanted something. He was my best friend, I loved him. Just didn't realize it could have been romantic.

And then there is Brandon. He has flirted since day one. Everyone at taco bell thought I was hot for him. I wasn't. It was just play and banter, wasn't it? I really don't even know anymore. I care about him deeply. I call him my love. I mean that as he is my best friend. But he has a girlfriend. And I am not jealous at all. So much has been said, and for a long time I felt as if it was all neatly tied up that we are just alike and use sexuality as a means of humor and keeping the mood light. But time and time again I keep thinking back to his birthday. He admitted he does what he does, all of the teasing and hinting, because he doesn't want to be the one to make the first move.

What I wonder now is, what if he did make a first move...or at least said something so obvious that I couldn't dismiss it easily and settle into the safety of self deluding. How would I respond?

I was madly passionately in love with Roger, my first male best friend. He broke my heart when I finally did something about the sexual tension and the love we had verbalized. I had a threesome with Ben. I never actually had Clinton defined sexual intercourse with him, but we were intimate. And then I went and started dating Shawn, and got pregnant with Madison. It didn't hit me until later that I could have had something so much more real with Ben. Because he offered to be there, to help me raise my child. And then he disappeared before I had given him more than a "I need to think about things".

Could it be that I only even think about 'what if's with Brandon because of my prior histories with my male best friends? Or is it that when everyone else sees something that I don't I have to wonder why I don't see it. I know in my heart that I would be devastated if I lost Brandon as a friend. I want him around for the rest of my days. And when people joke about us sounding like an old married couple, with our spats and joking threats, I can't help but think that yeah, well the love I have for him isn't going to fade the way an old married couple's has. Its a constant, real thing. Its true love...friendship, companionship. But it is not romantic or passionate. And then I wonder if I am letting him down with not playing his game. By teasing him sexually when he is drunk, but having no intent of ever following through. And even if I wanted to I don't have it in me to make a first move.

And yet knowing that if he ever told me that I was what he needed to be happy, I would gladly set aside any chance of finding a passionate love for make him happy.

But why should I feel that way?

I am craving romance and passion.
The lack of it is making me wistful.

And yet, I know with every fiber of my being I would give up any chance of the one thing I want more than anything right now to make another person happy if he but asked.

I guess I am glad that I know he would never ask.

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