Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Rambles and Random

We all stumble through life, drifting crashing into other people eyes closed tight. We spend our lives searching for human connection, reaching out and filling the void with material things, instead of simple human contact, the beauty of nature, or ART.  And as we blindly press our lives against other people, sometimes we find a spark, a jolt of hey I get the same things that you do.  And when this happens we make a friend, but even then in this modern age of technology and instant gratification we fail to see that we are still just players on the stage, as the bard once said.  We create elaborate fantasies to fill the void, we believe in these fantasies and these stories.  Yet, really what is it we are all searching for?  Do you know? I sure as hell don't.  How can it be that two people can experience the same events and see them from such vastly different views?

I am as guilty as anyone of failing to live by the words I speak, from time to time.  I get myself into situations that perhaps I should not. 

What is the purpose of this ramble? I have said time and time again that the love of my life was Valik.  I claimed he was my soulmate.  That I would never, ever connect to another they way I had briefly with him.  I blamed myself for the monster he became. While I accept full responsibility for my actions, I let him slide to often on excuses of his mental illness, his poor choice in friends who preferred to sabotage our happiness, and on and on. About a year ago I had a dream, in which I was still there for him, despite everything when he needed me.  And then I heard from our mutual ex that he claimed he wanted nothing to do with me and that I would always be there for him, regardless when he needed me.  I SHOUTED out as loud as I could in all ways I knew how that this would not be the case.  I was done, over ..,I would not keep him from the kids, but he has no place in my life as a lover or a friend.

And I took time to be just me.  Yeah, I flirted and talked to people online, but I kept myself at a safe distance.  My sister pressured me to move on, date...including going so far as to try to go behind my back to set me up with people I would have no interest in.

And then last summer my sister and I parted ways.  I left the community I loved, turned my back on everything and was depressed, isolated. I decided in January that this period of isolation would come to an end.  And since then I also decided that I would take a stand.  Just because I prefer to be in the background does not mean I do not have a voice.  And I will fight for what I believe in.   And using words and wit I fought back against injustice in the community, offered to stand with those who were victims of plagerism. 

I also started a flirtation at Christmas with an old friend, from when I worked at Walmart.  At first I thought it was harmless flirtation, a continuation of how we were at work.  Everyone always thought there was more going on then there was, I was just comfortable with actually TOUCHING him, accepting hugs, and affection...not something I normally share outside my inner circle of close friends.  But what started harmless turned serious, and he told me that he wasn't one for casual sex (yes, yes I know that doug-las), yet sent me dirty pictures, and would text me from the tub, egging me on into behaving badly. He then went on to tell me that what he was looking for, in his ideal mate...was for all intents and purposes me...at least the me he first met at Wally-world.  And I thought, and I thought...and I hinted that I would be interested in seeing if the ice around my heart would met.  And then his best friend died.  And he deleted his facebook, and stopped answering texts. 

While this was all going on I did a bad, bad thing.  And in one night met a guy online, and had sex.  I didn't want this guys name, and felt uncomfortable when he acted like it was more than it was...and it was LOUSY...I tried to be nice, even texting him wishing him well and saying he didn't have to lose my number.

And randomly, I met someone else...and felt a connection.  The ice was melting.  And yeah, things are not what I would have wanted, and there are complications, and shit.  But I now have a true friend, who in my current manic state I drive freaking bonkers. And I am now working with him.  And its Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I get to do something I love (network, use my understanding of people, creativity, and actually help someone else be what they want...to follow his dreams and his bliss.)

I opened my eyes.  I SAW.  I took a risk.  And while yeah, here I am still single, still waiting for a connection that will be mind/body/heart/soul....I get to connect with someone on the level of ART, and BEAUTY, and passion for life.

There is a melody in my heart again...I am able to write, really write again.  Not just technical jargon, and not the pure shite I felt I had been doing for the last few years ....but WRITE...

 And I will dance, by the moonlight
 Full of love and dreams,
 And I will sing, under the stars bright
 Full of hope and uncertainty.
  Not a question of principled things,
But a lust for life and the journey.

No Regrets,  these scars of mine.
Dream Big, Laugh often, don't second guess yourself...be free.

In Musica Veritas!

Oh, the revolution has begun!