Monday, November 18, 2013

Three Actors I am watching now:

Jim Parsons

Most well known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and the Human Walter in the Muppets, he did this little ad for fighting Cancer:

A very talented actor, with intense eyes. And a gay man in a committed relationship before you think of getting hot and bothered.

Matt Bomer

From Glee to White Collar, he has range.  There are numerous online petitions to get him to star in 50 Shades of Grey.  Defiantly going to see where he goes from here.

Another brilliant eyed Texan. Again ladies, he is happily committed gay man and father of three. But man, he has style and range.

And last but never least

Colin O' Donoghue

I first saw him in the Rite, a wonderfully scary movie, as the young priest.  But then this handsome Irish man won me over as Killian Jones, or I should say Captain Hook in Once Upon a Time.  Man, does he make pirates sexy!

And while he might be one good looking straight actor...alas ladies he is married.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Ultimate Break Up Song

Was going through my journals and found this song noted.

Yup this was the ultimate break song:

Monday, August 12, 2013


An ex pointed out to me that I attract the crazies.  And isn't that the truth.  I have a horrid history of past relationships, tracing back to the fact that said ex- tried to end our relationship over an instant message when we were engaged to be married;  Roger, my best friend in High School and first love used me and tossed me away; my first real relationship was an abusive psycho who still stalks me to this day.  Oh and the father of my children told our ex-girlfriend and mother of his other child that I am obsessed with him and he wants nothing to do with me until he needs me because he knows I would always be there for him. 

I am 33 years old.  I have 2 wonderful, frustrating children. I have never been married, but engaged multiple times.  I have been sexually involved with 42 people in my life. 

I am sexually confidant.  Yet, what does sex do for me but make my life more complicated and feedback my insecurities about love.  I am romantically stunted.

But who wouldn't be.

 At 12 years old I had my first date, with my male best friend.  Nothing ever happened, but I cared deeply for him and continued to do so for over a year.  We had a few pseudo dates. He moved away. He and I remained distantly friends.

At 15 years old I started dating my best friend's boyfriend's best friend.  Nothing ever happened.  He held my thumb once.  We only ever doubled with Linda and Roger.

At 17 years old I started tutoring a 15 year old freshman in Latin.  He never officially asked me out, but I lost my virginity to him, and fell into an abusive relationship where I was informed that I would marry him, I had no choice.  I finally had the nerve to end things when he was in Juvie.

At 18 I slept with my female college closest friend, who whenever she was drunk decided she loved me. If she was sober, I was just her best friend.

So yeah...I have reasons to have issues.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Healing Sensuality

We go about our daily lives denying our urges.  Religions we have grown up with or have chosen for ourselves to follow teach us that it is wrong to to be selfish and to take what we want from others.  Buddhism teaches that we have to control our desires, or at least that is what many westerners take from the teachings.  But in all mystic traditions there used to be an element of sensual revelry.   As the kundalini rises we find nirvana and are able to be one with the universe and heal both ourselves and others.  Sexual mysticism is something many western cultures fail to embrace.  Those who do are either labeled as odd ball dirty hippies or take it too far into hedonism and are seen as being cold bastards. The key is to embrace your sexuality and sensual nature as being a healing cleansing force.  To view any sexual act, even the kinkiest as being a holy communion of two beings.  Let your kundalini rise!  Dance the sacred sensual dances my friend.  Revel in your ability to give and receive pleasure.  Feed on that luscious energy so that you may be healed and in turn heal the world.

Feed deep my friends, and celebrate the darkness within!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Autism and I Part 1

I have been thinking a lot lately.  Now, wait I know that is normal for me, but hear me out.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how it seems now that I am undeniably an adult all the things that should have been taken care of when I was a child are finally being taken care of.  Like having a tonsillectomy in 2008.  And now getting my TMJ addressed.  And being told when Avery had his autism evaluation that I should get evaluated as well.

I do have many of the markers of Asperger's syndrome.  Of course, come May with the release of the DSM-5 Asperger's will no longer be a unique diagnosis, and will be "Mild Autism".  But what does this mean for me, and what good would having an Autism diagnosis do me in my Thirties? How has autistic characteristics shaped my life?

I was a normal little girl once, or at least that is what I have been told.  I don't really remember it.  Everyone always says that I started out a very happy child, social and full of fun.   I lost my hearing at age 3 due to chronic ear infections, but was able to regain most of it before it could cause any problems with speech.  I have always wondered why they never gave me tubes, since I continued to have chronic ear infections well into adulthood.  This might be tied to having Menire's disease, but I think I will never know.  The only thing I do remember about the early years of my life is being amazed at how high the piles of snow in the apartment parking lot were the year we lived in Wisconsin. And being locked into a footlocker by the two older boys that always wanted to play with me.   Therapists have often asked if I think I was sexually molested by them, or someone else, but the memories are gone.

I do remember bits and pieces of things that happened when I was between the ages of five and seven, but it has always felt as distant as if it had happened in a past life. I know I had good friends, but that I could never play outside of school because of my father's alcoholism.  I know I spent way to much time at the Bar with him, or at Dairy Mart with my mother.  I very clearly remember the physical threats and having things thrown at me when my father was in a drunk rage.  My parents always denied that my father was violent with me.  But the fact that I do have a nearly eidetic of places and things I read and saw and can describe in vivid detail when I let myself think about those three years. 

My concept of self, and who I am begins at the age of eight.  I was going through physical and mental changes.  My parents were divorcing and my mother and I moved in with my Grandparents.  I had gained weight, was beginning puberty and was very self conscious of the  results of hormonal changes on my body.  I wanted to escape to a fantasy world, and was obsessed with Oz above all other fantasy literature.  I knew I was suffering from Manic Depression.  I read about it after recognizing that my thoughts and behavior were similar to both my father and my grandfather who both had diagnosis. I was well aware that being suicidal at age 8 was highly unusual and that my inner fantasy world was illogical. 

Read that again....I was well aware that being suicidal at age 8 was highly unusual and that my inner fantasy world was  illogical.  I was like a mini-adult.  Logic and reason was constantly at war with the urges and delusions.  I became obsessed with the human condition. Anthropology, psychology, religion, history, and philosophy I had to know everything about.  By the time I was thirteen I had mapped out in my head a path for education and continual learning that involved wanting to get five Doctorates!

At this stage of my life I think it is clear that my single minded obsession with knowing humanity would be a red flag for someone screening for autism spectrum.

To be continued....  

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Finally fixed

After many dentist visits, and an ER visit I am finally no longer in excruciating pain.  I am back to being able to sleep at night.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Sleep...what is that

Once upon a time sleeping four hours a night was fine.  It was normal.  Then I grew up and had kids.  I have always been a lucky mom, for whom my baby slept through the night easily and early.  And even when something goes wrong and I have a restless night I still would get that four hours a night.

Then the last month happened.  Madison is going batsh$# crazy.  And has insomnia like mad.  I mean seriously the girl will stay up til 4 am and then wake up at 7. Got her taking sleep aids, and when she finally slept for more than four hours, Avery started having trouble sleeping.  Waking up coughing, runny nose, etc.  Waking up at 5 am and crying like mad.  I seriously start thinking that maybe the autism people can get me weighted blankets for these two. 

The night finally comes when BOTH kids are in bed asleep by 1am.  I lay down to go to sleep, exhausted beyond all reason after 3 weeks of being up more than half the night with the kids.  I get cozy, start to drift off and then out of nowhere...OUCH.  My teeth start hurting.  Not just like a tooth ache, like my gums are sore, my cheek swells up, and it feels like an ice pick is being repeatedly stabbed into my sinuses.

It has been two weeks and I have slept for maybe 2 hours in a stretch.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Life as ever is a challenge for me. Currently I feel alone on a vast ocean of rough and violent waves. I am not alone for lack of people whom I love and love me. I have my sister, who is busy with her children and her husband. I have my best friend, who is in serious trouble and so far away. I have my newest member of my spiritual family, whom I text with and talk to regularly, my brother wolf. I have members of my spiritual family, dear friends, people who have busy lives just as I do. But when it comes down to it, day to day I am alone with my two children. The only visitors we receive are those who are employed to be of assistance. My so called significant other does not reply to texts, he never calls anymore, and who knows when he will next be over. Yet he told my children he was going to be dad. He told my daughter he was going to marry me and adopt her. It hasn't even been three months since we originally decided to try to make a go at a relationship rather then the friendship we had for the last 17 years.

I also feel alone because there are two people I am missing desperately. Somewhere out there is my Yang. My Ben. The male me, my spiritual twin soul. I have not heard from or seen Ben in 8 years now. But I think of him constantly. I also miss Shawn. And I don't mean as a lover (honestly, not that big of a deal), nor do I mean as a romantic partner (although I will always say that he was, is, the love of my life...), but as the friend. The person who made me feel safe, the person who I poured my heart out to and would do the same. After we failed as fiancées, after we failed as so many versions of being a couple, before we tried again one last time...he was my best friend. Yes, there were lies, and things which I didn't know, and yes, time and time again he hates me for some reason. But the truth is as desperately scared as I am right now because of the mental state of my daughter....I need him. I need to hear his voice telling me that its ok, and that we will get though this. I need to hear him laugh and get all geeky on me to get my mind off of how I am going to manage everything going on. I need him to pop over, and want coffee and to sit at my table while looking up at me through his hair being all coy and shy. And by gods, I need my best friend to hold my hand while I cry because I feel that I will be alone forever...that I am only attractive enough for a booty call, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, because here I am supposed to be dating someone who has been in love with me for 15 YEARS, and I am still not fucking good enough. Because no mater how many times Shawn runs away and rejects me, I know deep down I was his everything once upon a time, and I hurt him. Yet we still were able to be friends until I was pregnant with my son, our son.