Monday, July 20, 2015

Taking a chance.

I fall into routines, patterns. 
Loveless intimacy.
Unsatisfying couplings full of kink.

Monday, July 6, 2015

I think I convince myself that I am strong, because I have no choice but to be.
I don't like thinking about the past, I really don't.  I know it doesn't seem that way if you read all my past entries on here.  I seem rather obsessive sometimes.  But, I only tend to write when I am feeling too much to keep in.  And I don't write that often.

But here is the thing....

All I ever wanted was to be loved and accepted.

My old therapist says it must be because I was molested by those boys when I was 3.  I don't remember it happening, but I was told it must have happened.  I tend to block things out.  I know having overly sexual parents who would talk about it made it seem over priority.  And it didn't help that my first attraction was to a gay man.  Sorry for bringing that up again Frankie, but well...its proof of my neurosis I think. I mean I had to fake crushes so as not to get bullied for seeming to be a lesbian, long before I even realized I was attracted to some women.

And I mean, hello I lost my virginity the same day I had my first kiss!  I thought and felt like no one would ever love me.  He treated me like crap and I was jealous if he looked at other people,. afraid I would loose my abuser, my rapist.

Yes I have issues.

Gods, I loved Roger so freaking much.  Now, I look back and wish we could have just stayed friends and kept things simple.  Of course I fell for the first guy who treated me nice, and "saw" me. 

And just dealing with the males here, seeing as I am feeling all panic attack ish because of the date and issues and shit, and my male friend brought up that it seems I am so into talking to him, not because of him but becasue he is one of the first guys in a while to actually TALK to me and not try to get in my pants.

But the thing is, I don't fall for the guy who shows me attention with out wanting anything.  I really don't I try to be what that guy wants and it never ever works.

No I fall for the best friend who wants to go road tripping, and needs saved.
I fall for the guy who tells me he has been waiting his whole life for me, I am his soul mate.

I fall for the guy who does want in my pants, but then rather than fucking me...makes love to me.

And I get bored with guys who seem to desperate for me, or worshipful.  I really do...and maybe that is one reason I am so alone.  Because I do punish myself for the rapes, and for the things I have done.  For letting myself do things I know will later make me feel dirty and then doing them just because I feel like its all I deserve.

NO ONE has ever tried to Romance me past hoping in bed.
NO ONE has ever tried to really woo me.

I have scars from the rapes, the abuse, the way I was raised...who wouldn't.  But I have bigger scars from being proposed to all the time, then cheated on.  From giving ALL of myself to another person and being told it meant NOTHING, and when I wouldn't fuck around because I needed emotions to be there YOU WOULDN"T EVEN LISTEN TO ME.  Yes, Roger, I am still sore about that.  I know you think you are in love with me now.  And I know when you are drunk you say you want to marry me, but you have nothing going for you, and you don't act like you care.  You just want me in there.  I became a slut because you made me feel like it was all I was good for.

And then Shawn came along.  And he pursued me for a year.  And acted like I was so out of his reach above him.  And so many people thought he was so hot.   So I was intrigued.  And the first time we make love it was like a freaking romance novel, and so yeah I wanted that.  I wanted the guy who loved me more than anything.  And I clung to it.  And I did fall in love with him, and he hurt me time and time again.  But still, when we were able to be just friends he was that best friend guy.  I could tell him things, and feel safe.  But I have no idea who he even is anymore.  Haven't in years.  And I don't love him anymore.  I feel bad for him sometimes.  But if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't wish he would have stayed. I would have been miserable being lied to and cheated on just so he would stay with me.  I would be miserable having to be faithful to him and never getting what I need in return.

Then out of no where I met Eric on OKC.  And he isn't that good looking or anything but I found him attractive.  And we talked, and I felt close to him.  I let him hold my hand.  And when we were intimate it was like I was the most precious cherished thing in the world.  How could I not loose my heart to a man who needed me, told me I was important to him, told me he loved me, even if just as a friend.  And he kept giving me just enough hope to stick around, to keep putting out.  I became the booty call.  We stopped talking, except when sex was the outcome.  And I kept trying to move on and date or whatever.  But I couldn't do it if he was always there just waiting to give me heaven only to take it way.

And of course it was just so I would put out.
Because I am too weird to date.
I am not attractive enough.
I am a single mother and that isn't attractive.
I am to freaky.
I am bi.

And the moment I say, forget it I am not putting out anymore...lets just be friends...he goes off on how he didn't ask me to fall for him, and now I am calling him an asshole because I can't control my feelings.  And then he blocks me.

He who I told I don't do anal, because I was raped anally and then when I finally gave into Shawn's wanting anal he didn't want me anymore.

He whom I told things to about having been raped and feeling worthless and wanting so badly to just feel and be able to have the ice melt away from my heart...when it did...he didn't want me.

And then after telling me to loose his number, to never contact him again...he blocked me.

Yet another man who claimed to be my soulmate, and just freaking use me.

A man who I thought was my friend, whom I loved who didn't listen didn't care what I felt or what my needs and fears were...he got off so that was all that really mattered, right.

Now he KNOWS not to contact me on my Birthday...even though we hadn't talked in a MONTH....he sends me a booty call message at 1 am last night.  No happy birthday, no I am sorry I was a jerk.  Nope, he sends his typical booty call message on the one day a year I told him I am at my most vulnerble.

So this new friend I think is worried that I will start to fall for him, since I told him I trust him already.  And I do, I feel I can trust him  Of course, I know he can't be "The One" so he is safe.  He isn't going to try to woo me just to get what he wants and as soon as I am all in tear my heart to shreds.  He isn't single! Obviously, its only friendship.  And it feels like real friendship we vent, we talk...he offers me things with out acting like its a big deal...same as I am with friends.  And I so badly want to hang out and do all these things that I need a male friend I can trust to do...I want to dance and be silly, and go to art museums and talk history and go get all filthy in the woods falling down hills and climbing back up.  I want to share parts of me with someone who doesn't see me as an object.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Backing up my old OKC profile.

My self-summary
1) Stop reading this right now if you only are interested because I am Bi. I actually consider myself Omnisexual. But just because I can swing all directions, doesn't mean I am going to swing in yours!

2) Looking for friends only.

3) Read my blog...if you can find it... Meditations on Mediocracy

4) I am part Mohawk, part Hungarian Rom. I am also descended from Hapsburg Germans, Irish Catholics, and Stuffy Rich Welsh Businessmen.

I was working on my BA in psychology with a minor in Italian studies when life got in the way, someday I hope to finish up my degree.

I am a single mother of a third-grader and a 4 year old boy. My daughter is ADHD and has impulse control disorder, and my son has Autism Spectrum Disorder- PDD-NOS.

Before anyone asks, the situation with their father is rather complex, and a some what sore point for me. He is not in the picture, and never will be again. Period. And if you get me started on it, I might end up in a rant about the poor state of the mental health care in our world today, and the sad state of affairs with the VA stops ensuring that veterans with Mental Illness are remaining on their treatment plan.

And now on with the fluff!

I despise the cliche that most dating, personal, and networking site profiles subject us to.
Originality is sadly lacking in today’s world.
Obviously, we are all seeking something. Yet do we even know ourselves what we need?

I would delight in having a conversation of an intelligent nature on just about any topic. Be prepared for random phrases in other languages however. I spend five years studying Latin, and grew up with a father who often spoke in German when distressed. I have been studying Italian in college, and love it. Ergo, I tend to not even notice when I am peppering conversations with such words.

I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge, and a voracious appetite for culture. In fact, prior to having been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia my life’s dream had to be a forensic anthropologist. If you don’t know what that is, think Bones on Fox/TNT.

I firmly believe that we are our past, present, and future. We create our own realities, and have infinite possibilities. I am a very introspective and like to ponder various philosophies. Prior to having my daughter, I was often found at Denny’s or a coffee shop discussing such things at all hours of the day and night. I am relapsing from a serious coffee addiction.

And now for something completely different!
To somewhat quote Escape:
If you like Pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you ARE into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape

Ok I just had to do that.

I think of myself as random, obsessive, and strong.

I have a complex past, that makes me sensitive to some issues, yet almost anything is up for debate, just for the chance to debate!

I am very open-minded, and yet value history and tradition.
At the same time I love technology and spontaneity.

I believe I have lived a rather rich and diverse life thus far, and seek experiences that will broaden my horizons.

To quote my favorite song:
"Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?
But some that do, lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That's not what I believe, and it doesn't matter anyway
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last, but I'm still not sure
But what I do know, is to us the world is different
As we are to the world but I guess you would know that
- Illusion by VnV Nation: Victory not Vengeance © -
To quote my favorite poem:
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the Negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix
~Allan Ginsberg, Howl and Other Poems~
To quote my favorite book:
So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the children must be crying in the land where the let the children cry, and tonight the stars'll be out, and don't you know that God is Pooh Bear? the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what's going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty.
Jack Kerouac On The Road Copyright 1955

I also study Discordianism. Hail Eris! All Your Base Are Belong To Us. Zig for great justice!

I used to have a website, but it is currently down. Damn you Geocities! You can still find me on Facebook, Google+, and Twitter. I also blog on a few sites, just google me! (message me and I will give you my handle/name)
I am quirky, intelligent, and dark

No, I am not covering a world of hurt with sarcasm and idioms. I really am weird. If you can't handle a melting pot of goth/geeky/granola muncher/new age/preppy hybrid-ness with some gender fluid tendencies...don't bother being rude about it.
What I’m doing with my life
I recently started working with a Media Production company as an office manager/Public Relations/Booking agent. The DJ is seriously bad ass, and I am trying to get him to do more actual singing. (Message me for details)

I am an ordained minister, and work with a few groups as well as running The Crystal Rosewood Glen . I am a sanguine and a Feline/Fae Therian. I am also a chancellor of a wolf pack.

I am a poet, and have been working on my first collection for self publication. It is called Potions Against Pain.

I am also a freelance writer/editor. I have worked on a few Digital Magazines/zines, as well as websites in the past. Currently I am also working on a book on Paganism and a few short stories.

When I have free time I enjoy going on hikes with my kids,reading a book, or hanging out with friends (hard to manage schedules sometimes, however).
I’m really good at
Poetry, Empathy, Psychoanalysis, Reading, teaching metaphysics, BDSM, anything I want to focus on...really If I want to do it I can.

My "boss" would say I am really good at both building up and tearing down his ego in a single conversation. I can also out random any ADHD tangent.
The first things people usually notice about me
That I have ample clevage with two tattoos gracing of a rose, the other a spider.

It depends on the setting in which I am being first noticed. It depends on my mood. If I am wearing my now almost standard yoga pants and tank top that has become my typical dress style my tattoos stand out.

Perhaps my pale skin draws attention, or my ever changing hair styles. If I have my contacts in then my eyes are often noticed. Which I have been told are soulful, and I sometimes play up with makeup.

If it is online-well that depends on my mood. (insert evil laugh).
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: I love reading...On the Road by Jack Kerouac is my all time favorite novel. I enjoy Dean Koontz, The Hollows series by Kim Harrison, and a wide variety of both fiction and non-fiction. I am also a fan-fiction addict. I have a diverse collection of books ranging from cookbooks, yoga sultras, Psychology texts, to even...a few paranormal romance. I have lots of books on the Occult though.

Movies: What the Bleep do we Know?, Rent, Rocky Horror, Practical Magic, Stigmata, the View Askewniverse. I enjoy psychological thrillers, Superhero movies, docudramas, documentaries, GLBT films, SciFi, and the occasional romcom when I am feeling down (I like to wallow, and sappy movies help)

Music: VNV Nation, goth, industrial, techno, trance, 90's alternative, classical, jazz...pretty much anything that sounds good and isn't degrading to women, gays, or other cultures. I hate scremo, thrash metal, and hard core rap. I love Inkubus Sukkubus (the highlight of my work as a writer was interviewing Candia).

Food: Thai, Vegetarian, Organics. I hate most American/European food. To heavy and too much meat. I like bread.

TV: Bones, Leverage, Psych, Lost Girl, Being Human (both versions), Sherlock ( I am so sherlocked!), and Doctor Who. Once Upon a Time, Big Bang Theory. Really liking Grimm these days, and have recently fancrammed 8 seasons of Supernatural. I still don't get the appeal of superwholock though. :(
The six things I could never do without
1) intelligent discourse

2) Friends, to drag me out of myself when I am introverted and to go along for the ride when I am feeling extroverted!

3) my kids, even though I really need a break sometimes!

4) music

5) caffeine,

6) books

Bonus: Spirituality...which can be found in # 1, 2, 4, 5, and 6!

Yes, there is even a religion of Tea! I am reading a book on it now!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The essence of the nature of reality and cosmic balance.

Human motivation.


Why for some reason I love two slash parings. Drarry and Merthur.
So I think the match system here is way off. I have a friend I got a really high match with...but low friendship %...we have been friends for over 5 yrs.

I met someone I have a 90% match with, and it was so freaking uncomfortable.

I met someone I have a 61% match with, and <3 are="" br="" every="" favorite="" friendships="" grand="" in="" like="" moment="" new="" person="" seriously="" share.="" single="" the="" we="" world.=""> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My newest pet peeve: creepy, up the nose-selfies. Why do people take them? Why use them as profile pictures? Do they really think its attractive???
On a typical Friday night I am
Reading something, probably online.

Secretly plotting to take over the world.

Ok not really, but its fun to think about.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I admitted to liking Jimmy Buffet, what self respecting freaky goth Domme chick does that?

Despite writing lyrics since I was 4 and having dated musicians I have never had a song written for me. Nor a poem.

I am honestly more omni or pan sexual. I find androgyny sexy. I have dated Trans individuals, and have many good friends who are Trans or Inter-sexed.

I am 100% out, no closet, no coffin, no whatever.

I am not going to cyber/sext.

This is a quote from a recent im conversation that I was told I should change to be my profile:

"Anat: I do have some hopeless romantic ideas. but mostly...the way I see it...the end game of dating is finding someone you can tolerate living with, sharing expenses, and you WANT to have morning, shower, and nighttime sex with.
Bonus if you also want lunch sex. "

Yeah, yeah...somewhat jaded.
You should message me if
Intelligence is not an is required.

Romani willing to talk about shared heritage. I want to embrace my Roma roots more.

No Couples
I repeat absolutely positively no couples
Just because I am bi does not mean I am looking for threesomes!

I am not going to reply to requests for sex, phone numbers, anyone who is crude, uses poor grammar, is older than 40, or just plain creeps me out. Or who looks like a douche or ghetto.

I am not looking for anything but friends. At least to start.

I am always looking for stimulating conversation on a variety of topics, (not very fond of math, however)and always willing to take on students in most occult subjects.

If this song is you... Euro-Trash Girl cause when I was 14 and a beatnik at heart I wanted to be a Euro-Trash girl. I also secretly wanted to date one, but eh.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Cattell's 16 Personality Factors Test

Warmth 2.7

Warmth is how nice to people you are. Low scorers are impersonal, distant, cool, reserved, detached, formal and aloof. High scorers are outgoing, attentive to others, kindly, easy-going, participating and like people. [less]
Reasoning 3.1

Reasoning is how good at abstract thinking you are. Low scorers prefer common sense, high scorers prefer abstract thinking. [less]
Emotional stability 1.6

Emotional stability is how in control of your emotions you are. Low scorers are reactive emotionally, changeable, affected by feelings, emotionally less stable, easily upset. High scorers are emotionally stable, adaptive, mature, and face reality calmly. [less]
Dominance 3.2

Dominance is how assertive you are when dealing with people. Low scorers are deferential, cooperative, avoids conflict, submissive, humble, obedient, easily led, docile and accommodating. High scorers are dominant, forceful, assertive, aggressive, competitive, stubborn and bossy. [less]
Liveliness 1.7

Liveliness is how much energy you display. High scorers are serious, restrained, prudent, taciturn, introspective and silent. Low scorers are lively, animated, spontaneous, enthusiastic, happy-go-lucky, cheerful, expressive and impulsive. [less]
Rule-consciousness 1.5

Rule-consciousness is how much you abide by authority. Low scorers are nonconforming, self indulgent and disregard rules. High scorers are rule-conscious, dutiful, conscientious, conforming, moralistic, staid and rule bound. [less]
Social boldness 1.7

Social boldness is how socially confident you are. Low scorers are shy, threat-sensitive, timid, hesitant and intimidated. High scorers are socially bold, venturesome, thick-skinned and uninhibited. [less]
Sensitivity 2.7

Sensitivity is how much you can be affected. Low scorers are utilitarian, objective, unsentimental, tough minded, self-reliant, no-nonsense and rough. High scorers are sensitive, aesthetic, sentimental, tender-minded, intuitive and refined. [less]
Vigilance 2.6

Vigilance. [more]
Abstractedness 2.2

Abstractedness is how imaginative you are. Low scorers are grounded, practical, prosaic, solution oriented, steady and conventional. High scorers are abstract, imaginative, absent minded, impractical and absorbed in ideas. [less]
Privateness 1.4

Privateness is how honest you are about who you are. Low scorers are forthright, genuine, artless, open, guileless, naive, unpretentious and involved. High scorers are rivate, discreet, nondisclosing, shrewd, polished, worldly, astute and diplomatic. [less]
Apprehension 2.4

Apprehension is how troubled you are. Low scorers are self-assured, unworried, complacent, secure, free of guilt, confident and self satisfied. High scorers are apprehensive, self-doubting, worried, guilt prone, insecure, worrying and self blaming. [less]
Openness to change 3.4

Openness to change is how not stuck in your ways you are. Low scorers are traditional, attached to familiar, conservative and respect traditional ideas. High scorers are open to change, experimental, liberal, analytical, critical, free-thinking and flexibile. [less]
Self-reliance 2.5

Self-reliance is how contained your needs are. Low scorers are group-oriented and affiliative. High scorers are self-reliant, solitary, resourceful, individualistic and self-sufficient. [less]
Perfectionism 2.2

Perfectionism is how high you standards are for yourself. Low scoerers tolerate disorder are unexacting, flexible, undisciplined, lax, self-conflict, impulsive, careless of social rules and uncontrolled. High scorers are perfectionist, organized, compulsive, self-disciplined, socially precise, exacting will power, control and self-sentimental. [less]
Tension 2.4

Tension is how driven you are, crossed with impatience. Low scorers are relaxed, placid, tranquil, torpid, patient, composed low drive. High scorers are tense, high energy, impatient, driven, frustrated, over wrought and time driven. [less]

Thursday, July 17, 2014

A response to the Dear White Gays article.

Dear Idiot,

   And I mean that in the nicest possible way.  You are an idiot.  I am sure there are times when you don't want to be generalized with ALL black women.  Heck, I am sure you have about as much in common with Beyonce as I do.  But for some reason you feel all possessive of the current incarnation of what you term "black female culture".  Well, to be IS NOT CULTURE.  Right now, the ever evolving time and technological innovations that are such a part of every day life are still to new to be considered a is sub-culture.  Do you honestly think that in a hundred years, people are going to look back at the specific likes, styles, and dance moves of the current decade and say "this is black culture", rather than say the sub-culture of the post-civil rights movement?

  First off, "Blacks" did not invent the Ghetto.  Jews, Italians, Polish, and many other ethnic minorities were in Ghettos long before the Emancipation Proclamation.   Second off, "weaves" are just one form of hair extensions, which there is archaeological evidence of existing since Ancient Egypt.  So if you want to get technical, they are Middle Eastern. Third, ok so Beyonce is popular with Gay is Lady Gaga, Madonna, Cher, Bette Milder, Liza Minnelli, and of course Judy Garland.  Seems to me, gay men like strong women,with big voices, who appreciate gay men.  I mean, Beyonce did stand up for their right to get married, she is an ally. 

  Finally, I think you need to take a look back on the evolution of gay culture.  Gay men have always had their campier numbers.  There have been drag queens since the 19th century.  Gay men have been calling their female friends 'girlfriend' or 'gurl' since at least the 1970s.  As someone who grew up a minority; female, bi-racial (Native American), bisexual,  and a polythiest/Pagan I observed rather than tried to fit in.  The black women I grew up around remind me more of Michelle Obama than Media or Stella.  When that show Girlfriends came on the air my initial reaction was "Why are these women acting like campy gay men"?  I live in the projects, surrounded by what you would call "strong black women" who dress like drag queens, do nothing but fight amongst themselves, and hate anyone who is not exactly like them.  Much like gay men in the 1980's who were driven by so much fear, and the blame of the AIDS epidemic.

Food for thought.