Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Vaping vs smoking

I started smoking at 15 years old. I enjoyed cigars. And not too long after cigarettes. The thing to remember is that in the 90s smoking was still semi-normal. Both my parents were heavy smokers, and most of my friends' parents were smokers as well. So it wasn't abnormal for me to do so. And every single time I tried to quit my mother re-encuraged the smoking habit. Marlboro lights. But my preference was Kamel or Newport non-menthol. I enjoyed flavored camels. I liked high end flavors like Vanilla Dream brand. And, stereotypically smoked Djarum Black cloves when I could, like most Goths.

When e-cigs came out I did try them. I liked them better  and would have fully switched but, they were hard to find. And expensive. 

And then I quit smoking.

But without nicotine my pain levels went up. 

And so I started using cigars again. Until I found the Vuse alto vape in March. I got the device for less than a dollar.  A tiny e-cigs like vape you just take a draw from to use. Carriages weren't too expensive, and available at the gas station at the corner. Problem was it's low low nicotine. So it wasn't very helpful to have to hit it so often and it didn't get me off cigars right away.

Then quarantine happened. I couldn't get cartridges during April. But GoPuff had bidi stick flavor disposable vapes. I previously hadn't had any interest in vaping as everyone I knew who vaped did big clouds of fruit smelling no-nicotine. But I needed something, so I tried it.  Mango flavor. And I actually loved it, and no big clouds. 

I also met Skaii and Jeff. Jeff, a good friend off the internet vaped nicotine ejuice but did huge billowing clouds. Skaii also used nicotine juice and sitting in the back of my car produced NO big clouds. So maybe I thought, I could vape too. Not just little e-cig-like disposable or pods...but an actual vape that created less environmental waste. 

So I ordered the Vaporesso VM stick 18, and some Mango e-juice both in freebase and in Nic Salt juice. I also decided to try mango CBD juice since obviously couldn't go buy CBD from the Family Video while it was shut down for Covid-19. I also got the Vaporesso Orco Solo AIO. Both are pen vapes, but one is smaller and has a cage.

I really like the VM18 but it takes forever to charge. I primarily now use it for CBD. 

The orco solo I liked so much I got a second one I. Grey. It has some issues with coils occasionaly. And the glass tube stuck to the Cage and cracked on one so I had to order a replacement. 

Images would not post.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

And just like that, it too is gone

And just like that, three old blogs deleted.
Gone, with important info backed up here.

This has followed the deletion of every dating profile I had.

Even the ones that I had BEFORE Shawn, and never actually took down.

Everything is clear.

Everything is being let go of.

I want to finally let all this hurt, and anger and confusion go.

I want to heal and by *GOAT* I want to enjoy the fact that I actually fell into love honestly for the first time in my life.  Not by a trick, not by a con or a spell. 

I took a risk
No predestination
No I feel I know this person, from somewhere

Just a freak out about age differences, Just NORMAL HEALTHY emotions and oh my gods its amazing.  I am paranoid they are going to dump me and I won't be enough ALL of the time...but in the way OTHER people always say they do.

I freaking BLOOM with emotions every time they kiss at the screen or say they love me.

I am head over freaking heals, and we haven't even been face to face.

I apologize a lot, so do they.  I think this is the only real issue we have is that we are both hyper sensitive to falling into patterns we had with other people.

And I last night made them get lost in their own thoughts and felt guilty and shame and I just ache to talk to them again this morning, and I can't sleep with out them on the phone with me.



I could always barely sleep with someone.

I WANT to hold them, to sleep with them, to wake up with them.

I WANT to love them in every way until the day I die.


not out of loneliness, not out of not wanting to die alone.

I WANT to be monogamous, FOR ME.
I WANT to be committed and live together and share everything...not someday...but NOW.

I am actually in LOVE

I am ALL IN.

I am actually, with no escape or back up plan...ready to spend the rest of my life with someone.

 And it is terrifying and exhilarating and  Danick Shayne is beyond a doubt...someone I want to put effort into loving always.

Random Old Draft

According to late education researcher Gerald W. Bracey, PhD, qualities that standardized tests cannot measure include "creativity, critical thinking, resilience, motivation, persistence, curiosity, endurance, reliability, enthusiasm, empathy, self-awareness, self-discipline, leadership, civic-mindedness, courage, compassion, resourcefulness, sense of beauty, sense of wonder, honesty, integrity."


7/8/15, 4:14 AM
Pacific Daylight Time

Am I a good person?

Really am I?

I am keeping a secret, even from my best friend.  Why?  Because I know she wouldn't approve of what I am doing.  No one would.  Hell, I don't approve of it.  I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing.  And really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so.  But, I mean I threw caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts to the consequences.  And why?  I have no freaking idea!  I mean I have always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me.  I trust my gut though, I always have.  My head keeps me stuck in my fears and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything.  Anything at all.  And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small way.

Here is the thing though, my gut says this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????

My heart says,  he is off limits.  He is just a friend.  It will be ok.  I know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with it.  He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am not over Eric.  He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other than friendship.  I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is crap.  If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves'  and  the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person.  And I mean seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP.  Don't ruin your child's life by making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.

So he has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know you. ..I know I thought he  was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11 years ago we would have crossed paths.  Possibly occasionally as early as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely.  Drama Grounds.

I will never forget the first time I went to Common.  It was with Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998.  And by the time I broke up with MSB in April 1999.  He had already been in Juvie for a while at that point.  And his friends had been trying to set me up with other people every time I stopped in common.  Like this recently recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.

Thank gods J is not JD from that fucked up would it be if he was.  More predestination shit.  More fate going you damn fool I keep throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!!  Might actually still be that way.

Cause you know what?  Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute, chubby dude I told Trish about.  Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then fiancee?  Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral herpies I would have been like, oh peace out?

But now I am all just like...I can't help myself.  I knew how he would sound before I heard his voice.  I knew how his kiss would feel on my neck before we even agreed to meet.  And I want to sub for him, and I want to revel in how he makes me feel safe.  So safe.  Why does he make me feel safe?  Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.

UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.

And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.
The face that every fiber of my being says
                       this is the guy who could keep up with me.
                       this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.
                       this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday
                       this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with
                       this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for

This is who I want to be my best guy friend.  Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries.

Tainted Love...yep still makes me want to strip

11/18/13, 12:38 AM
Pacific Daylight Time