A response to the Dear White Gays article.

Dear Idiot,


   And I mean that in the nicest possible way.  You are an idiot.  I am sure there are times when you don't want to be generalized with ALL black women.  Heck, I am sure you have about as much in common with Beyonce as I do.  But for some reason you feel all possessive of the current incarnation of what you term "black female culture".  Well, to be honest...it IS NOT CULTURE.  Right now, the ever evolving time and technological innovations that are such a part of every day life are still to new to be considered a culture...it is sub-culture.  Do you honestly think that in a hundred years, people are going to look back at the specific likes, styles, and dance moves of the current decade and say "this is black culture", rather than say the sub-culture of the post-civil rights movement?


  First off, "Blacks" did not invent the Ghetto.  Jews, Italians, Polish, and many other ethnic minorities were in Ghettos long before the Emancipation Proclamation.   Second off, "weaves" are just one form of hair extensions, which there is archaeological evidence of existing since Ancient Egypt.  So if you want to get technical, they are Middle Eastern. Third, ok so Beyonce is popular with Gay Men...so is Lady Gaga, Madonna, Cher, Bette Milder, Liza Minnelli, and of course Judy Garland.  Seems to me, gay men like strong women,with big voices, who appreciate gay men.  I mean, Beyonce did stand up for their right to get married, she is an ally. 

  Finally, I think you need to take a look back on the evolution of gay culture.  Gay men have always had their campier numbers.  There have been drag queens since the 19th century.  Gay men have been calling their female friends 'girlfriend' or 'gurl' since at least the 1970s.  As someone who grew up a minority; female, bi-racial (Native American), bisexual,  and a polythiest/Pagan I observed rather than tried to fit in.  The black women I grew up around remind me more of Michelle Obama than Media or Stella.  When that show Girlfriends came on the air my initial reaction was "Why are these women acting like campy gay men"?  I live in the projects, surrounded by what you would call "strong black women" who dress like drag queens, do nothing but fight amongst themselves, and hate anyone who is not exactly like them.  Much like gay men in the 1980's who were driven by so much fear, and the blame of the AIDS epidemic.


Food for thought.

Very Bad Dream

So I had a genuine nightmare last night. I drempt that I was at a hospital, waiting for prep for surgery.  Had to have my adenoids taking out, since my tonsils had suppressed their growth for years, and they had grown in and swollen since my last surgery.  I was waiting with Madison, and Unknown ( was blurry in dream) female relative.  After 1 hour of waiting I asked if I was going to get called back any time soon.  And some random nursing assistant left a cart next to me with iv needle tips that were about 8g I would say.  I ran to the desk, and asked what was going on.  The nurse in charge said the guy was just trying to freak me out, the irony of having piercings and tattoos and not being fond of needles in a medical setting.

Another hour goes by, and I call Tina to come get Madison.  Finally a guy in blue scrubs comes and says I am in the wrong place, come with him.  He walks us outside, saying so I can have a last smoke before going under the knife.  Walks us behind the hospital, and then knocks us out with chloroform  rags. We wake up in the back of a van, alone.  We can hear the kidnapper talking about where to take us for organ harvesting. We manage to pretend to be asleep, long enough to trick him when he checks in, and then leave to secure another victim.  He never checked us for cell phones, so I call 911 and she takes a picture of the van and license plate.  We make it back into the hospital and to security. 


That is when I woke up drenched in sweat.

Review: True Blood Season 7 Episode 1 (spoiler lite)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am books over film adaptions.  This is very true when it comes to the world of Sookie Stackhouse in many ways.  The novels have long since ended, with Sookie getting her happy ending in a way that I figured it must have.  Tonight HBO's True Blood starts its final season.  Now, don't get me wrong I hate how far the story strayed in some ways.  In other ways, I appreciate that the show is much more like and AU fan-fiction than being an adaption for tv.


The episode starts off where we last saw the Bon Temps gang, hanging out at the Bar where Sookie used to work.  And oh, boy does the episode start off bloody.  And emotional.  The major character death in the per-opening sequence shocked me.

After the opening sequence it seems Sookie just can't catch a break.  Her telepathy really starts to finally show just how bad it can be.  Of course, she shows how naive she can be, yet again.  But Jessica's really stepping up to the plate.  Her devotion to guarding Andy's family can really be seen.


Pam shows her strength of character when she refuses to feed.  She has always been one of my favorite characters. 

Over all the episode was a strong start to what hopes to be a return to more normal storytelling.  And hopefully a lot less nudity and gore for their own sake.

bloggity blog blog blog

What is the point if no one reads these?


So I am attempting to gain an audience.

This has lead to joining blogorama.  So if you could click the link, I would be much obliged.

Dreams of two Bosses

Last month I dreamt that I ran into Mike, whom I for the life of me can't remember his last name, the GM of Steak N Shake on Ridge Road in 2004/05 when I worked there. In the dream he was divorced, working at a different restaurant as the manager, and all the servers said he was a huge flirt. When I woke up from the dream I tried to remember his last name, and checked to see if he was still the manager at Steak N Shake (he is not, the GM is a woman now according to the internet).  Not sure why, but I always felt he was trying to be my friend when I worked for him.  And I felt bad that after his wife fired me for calling off on a day I wasn't even scheduled to work but was demanded to show by her assistant manager when I was home with Madison after a car accident I never let him know how we were doing.  He cared.  The day of the car accident I was heading to the Parma location to pick up my pay check, he was refusing to put in my transfer to his wife's location...even though the district manager wanted me there for whatever reason so my paychecks were still at Parma.  And when I walked in, all shaken up, crying...with an injured 6 week old baby...he was concerned.  I never saw him again.  My last check was mailed to me, when I was fired for no-call no showing (even though I had called and said I wasn't coming in due to a car accident and doctor's orders to not leave my daughter in daycare while she had symptoms of possible wiplash).



Odd dreams...odd memories.

Last night I dreamt about Chris Byers.  Chris was the acting store manager at the Pearl road Taco Bell in 2000 when  I moved to Parma.  He hired me in as a Shift Manager, trained me, and we were a good team. We always had a lot of fun working together, and a lot of laughs. He wanted to set me up a few times, never accepting my claims of having given up men. We guzzled Code Red.  He was 19, I was 20 when we met.  He got his promotion to GM.  I got transferred to Day Drive and started training to be an assistant manager.  I left due to being stalked by not one, but two psychos (Bill who tried to Rape me, and Midnight stick boi who had), and moved back to Middlefield.  I returned to Parma in 2003, and Chris was still the GM on Pearl, when I returned to Day Drive as a full Manager (ie. second assistant but hourly pay not salary).  When I left Taco Bell, I heard that they gave Chris a brand new store they built at a new location. 

In my dream, I went to that Taco Bell...and it was set up almost identical to the Chardon store I had worked at.  Chris saw me and hired me back on the spot.  I showed up for a Sunday night shift, kids at home with a sitter.  I had a uniform, but no hat, no nametag, no idea how to make the new items, no idea how to use the new computer registers with all the new items.  And was totally confused.  He had dyed blond hair, and at one point came up behind me and made some rather flirtatious remarks.  I got even more confused.  I didn't see anyone on the board as closing shift manager, and he was getting ready to leave.  I asked what the hell was going on, the place was chaos....and he pinned me to the counter and ran his hands through my hair.  Really crazy dream. 


Why am I dreaming about former Male bosses?  Ones that I was never sure if were flirting with me or trying to be nice when I worked for them.  Last night's dream was very real.  The smells of Taco Bell.  The feel of people rushing around and bumping into me.  The warmth of a body at my back and hands in my hair.  For one moment in the dream I was aroused, and was floored to feel an erection at my back.  Of course, having my hair pulled is a turn on.  The dream ended when I was awakened by the kids, but I had just literally pulled him into the office to say "what the fuck is going on?  There is no manager tonight, just one closer besides me.  I have no idea what is going on with the people here, no idea about the new system or items.  And you are trying to get in my PANTS!"

Readings and Results

As stated in my last post, I had been a bit manic there for the month of February.  Partly, I think, because of the situation with meeting him and having new focus, his ADHD feeding my own random bouncy crazy....gotta GOOOOOO ness. 

There was the meeting online, the taking a risk, a chance.  THE FEAR.  The caught up in newness and hope and feeling that maybe, just maybe for once someone would not see me as their savior...the answer to all their problems being in obtaining me.  Which of course he didn't. For once the good guy rejected me after the communing, but before I got too caught up in hope.  But the rejection hurt. 

And, yeah...I have issues and attract the crazies...and get myself in situations that people say ..."how the helll............"

And of course there were consequences, with me, when can anything ever be simple?

Ironically I think this has a lot to do with the changes I went through as a child. The ones mentioned in Autism and I part 1.  I know that everyone expected me to grow up this perfect beautiful, amazing woman.  My father always said I would be a heartbreaker.  I could bat my eyes at a street vender and get a SOLID silver ring...free.  I am told my laughter was like bells, and my voice was sweet. 

I went from a poor neighborhood to Orange, a super rich mostly Jewish neighborhood as a poor, chubby girl from a Catholic family.  I was showing signs of Aspergers Syndrome, did not understand sarcasm, I didn't understand how to express myself in written English because it was too illogical.  I was made fun of for having breasts, for being too smart.  I made friends at first, but slowly withdrew more and more into myself, surrounding myself with people who were outcasts...and often times were not the best people to surround myself with.  I let myself get bullied.  I changed into the person THEY thought I should be.  I buried myself in layers of masks and constant dieting...even stopping eating completely for months on end.  I spent most of my senior year of high school drinking nothing but a partial slim fast (1/4 for breakfast 1/4 for lunch...maybe a few bites of dinner which I often would then get sick from eating and throw up, because my system was so out of whack). 

I used to sing.  Quietly and to myself.  Then one day on the playground when I was 12 my friend heard me and started trying to make me sing...shoving paper under my chin to amplify the sound.  I wrote lyrics like crazy...all the time...until a few years ago actually.  But it felt like they were making fun of me.   And as we all got older I formed obsessions over guys I though I should be interested in.  Partly to protect myself...they already called me a dyke.  And every time a guy showed any interest I thought it was a cruel joke. I became who I was...because of expectations of others.  I lost my identity. 

I have constantly reinvented myself over the years, mostly in an attempt to find who I was...to find a way to feel authentic, to feel worthy.  I developed a fear of commitment because I was terrified of loosing myself in someone else.  Because I DO change with every person that enters my life.  My empathic nature means I feel too much of what other people do. 

I could go on and on. 

But let me get to the point.  The complications that arose from him.

I did a reading to see what the long term outcomes would be.


 

Reading March 3,2014

Question: What will be the outcome of this XXXXXXXX?

Cards used: The Well Worn Path

 The Pentagram Spread

1. Underlying problem: Book of Shadows

Tradition is the matter at hand. Acknowledge one's life experiences,  particularly those that speak to authenticity. Embrace where you are in life. Look forward to new achievements.  Only half the work is done.

So I interpret this to mean that I am half-way on my path, that I need to face up to who I really am...that so much of me is the masks that I have worn, even my voice is one I created, mimiced so as not to be that girl.  I have been hurt, I have been put on a pedestal, never living up to anyone's expectations of me.  Never feeling anyone ever loved me enough.  Needing validation, and so becoming someone else to protect myself...because it was easier to push someone away, while trying to hold them close than to own up to being scared.  To own up to being afraid that if I ever found my Prince Charming, I wouldn't be who he wanted. See facebook note here

2. Consequences of situation: Handfasting

  

This card addresses mating, partnership, and integration. It  speaks of what unites and binds. It can also speak of love and marriage.

 Um...scary...especially since there is the whole twin flames discussion with the best friend.

3. What direction are you headed in: Water

Process of movement and flow.  When water appears things give way, flow, or dissolve

So I am going to change...

 

4. What changes to expect: pentacle

Stability and foundation.  Strength and protection. Endurance and fortitude. Manifestation in the material world.

5. What holds everything together: As Above, so bellow

Concepts of mirroring. Your life is a reflection of your thoughts and beliefs. Look at the cycles and patterns in your life.  It is time to look clearly at your life.

6. Outcome of reading: The wheel of the year

Reminds us that everything moves and operates in a cycle. Look for patterns.. Acknowledge your situation or condition and be in harmony with it. Nothing is permanent, existence equals change.

This is how I interpreted the reading when discussing it with the best friend:

If I had this as a reading for someone else...my first question after seeing the cards would be "are you a commitment phobic? "

I see a movement in the direction of reconnecting with desires long suppressed. Moving past issues, because it is the fear of integration that manifests the negative patterns.

I would say that the person was afraid of loosing themselves in someone else, and that is why the fear of commitment exists...not because of fear of rejection or being deserted

I see...

someone who tries to hard to just go with the flow...but in doing so has lost them-self anyway...and now has the chance to FIND them-self.

Rambles and Random

We all stumble through life, drifting crashing into other people eyes closed tight. We spend our lives searching for human connection, reaching out and filling the void with material things, instead of simple human contact, the beauty of nature, or ART.  And as we blindly press our lives against other people, sometimes we find a spark, a jolt of hey I get the same things that you do.  And when this happens we make a friend, but even then in this modern age of technology and instant gratification we fail to see that we are still just players on the stage, as the bard once said.  We create elaborate fantasies to fill the void, we believe in these fantasies and these stories.  Yet, really what is it we are all searching for?  Do you know? I sure as hell don't.  How can it be that two people can experience the same events and see them from such vastly different views?

I am as guilty as anyone of failing to live by the words I speak, from time to time.  I get myself into situations that perhaps I should not. 


What is the purpose of this ramble? I have said time and time again that the love of my life was Valik.  I claimed he was my soulmate.  That I would never, ever connect to another they way I had briefly with him.  I blamed myself for the monster he became. While I accept full responsibility for my actions, I let him slide to often on excuses of his mental illness, his poor choice in friends who preferred to sabotage our happiness, and on and on. About a year ago I had a dream, in which I was still there for him, despite everything when he needed me.  And then I heard from our mutual ex that he claimed he wanted nothing to do with me and that I would always be there for him, regardless when he needed me.  I SHOUTED out as loud as I could in all ways I knew how that this would not be the case.  I was done, over ..,I would not keep him from the kids, but he has no place in my life as a lover or a friend.

And I took time to be just me.  Yeah, I flirted and talked to people online, but I kept myself at a safe distance.  My sister pressured me to move on, date...including going so far as to try to go behind my back to set me up with people I would have no interest in.

And then last summer my sister and I parted ways.  I left the community I loved, turned my back on everything and was depressed, isolated. I decided in January that this period of isolation would come to an end.  And since then I also decided that I would take a stand.  Just because I prefer to be in the background does not mean I do not have a voice.  And I will fight for what I believe in.   And using words and wit I fought back against injustice in the community, offered to stand with those who were victims of plagerism. 

I also started a flirtation at Christmas with an old friend, from when I worked at Walmart.  At first I thought it was harmless flirtation, a continuation of how we were at work.  Everyone always thought there was more going on then there was, I was just comfortable with actually TOUCHING him, accepting hugs, and affection...not something I normally share outside my inner circle of close friends.  But what started harmless turned serious, and he told me that he wasn't one for casual sex (yes, yes I know that doug-las), yet sent me dirty pictures, and would text me from the tub, egging me on into behaving badly. He then went on to tell me that what he was looking for, in his ideal mate...was for all intents and purposes me...at least the me he first met at Wally-world.  And I thought, and I thought...and I hinted that I would be interested in seeing if the ice around my heart would met.  And then his best friend died.  And he deleted his facebook, and stopped answering texts. 

While this was all going on I did a bad, bad thing.  And in one night met a guy online, and had sex.  I didn't want this guys name, and felt uncomfortable when he acted like it was more than it was...and it was LOUSY...I tried to be nice, even texting him wishing him well and saying he didn't have to lose my number.

And randomly, I met someone else...and felt a connection.  The ice was melting.  And yeah, things are not what I would have wanted, and there are complications, and shit.  But I now have a true friend, who in my current manic state I drive freaking bonkers. And I am now working with him.  And its Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I get to do something I love (network, use my understanding of people, creativity, and actually help someone else be what they want...to follow his dreams and his bliss.)

I opened my eyes.  I SAW.  I took a risk.  And while yeah, here I am still single, still waiting for a connection that will be mind/body/heart/soul....I get to connect with someone on the level of ART, and BEAUTY, and passion for life.


There is a melody in my heart again...I am able to write, really write again.  Not just technical jargon, and not the pure shite I felt I had been doing for the last few years ....but WRITE...

 And I will dance, by the moonlight

 Full of love and dreams,

 And I will sing, under the stars bright

 Full of hope and uncertainty.

  Not a question of principled things,

But a lust for life and the journey.

No Regrets,  these scars of mine.
Dream Big, Laugh often, don't second guess yourself...be free.


In Musica Veritas!



Oh, the revolution has begun!