Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Life as ever is a challenge for me. Currently I feel alone on a vast ocean of rough and violent waves. I am not alone for lack of people whom I love and love me. I have my sister, who is busy with her children and her husband. I have my best friend, who is in serious trouble and so far away. I have my newest member of my spiritual family, whom I text with and talk to regularly, my brother wolf. I have members of my spiritual family, dear friends, people who have busy lives just as I do. But when it comes down to it, day to day I am alone with my two children. The only visitors we receive are those who are employed to be of assistance. My so called significant other does not reply to texts, he never calls anymore, and who knows when he will next be over. Yet he told my children he was going to be dad. He told my daughter he was going to marry me and adopt her. It hasn't even been three months since we originally decided to try to make a go at a relationship rather then the friendship we had for the last 17 years.

I also feel alone because there are two people I am missing desperately. Somewhere out there is my Yang. My Ben. The male me, my spiritual twin soul. I have not heard from or seen Ben in 8 years now. But I think of him constantly. I also miss Shawn. And I don't mean as a lover (honestly, not that big of a deal), nor do I mean as a romantic partner (although I will always say that he was, is, the love of my life...), but as the friend. The person who made me feel safe, the person who I poured my heart out to and would do the same. After we failed as fiancées, after we failed as so many versions of being a couple, before we tried again one last time...he was my best friend. Yes, there were lies, and things which I didn't know, and yes, time and time again he hates me for some reason. But the truth is as desperately scared as I am right now because of the mental state of my daughter....I need him. I need to hear his voice telling me that its ok, and that we will get though this. I need to hear him laugh and get all geeky on me to get my mind off of how I am going to manage everything going on. I need him to pop over, and want coffee and to sit at my table while looking up at me through his hair being all coy and shy. And by gods, I need my best friend to hold my hand while I cry because I feel that I will be alone forever...that I am only attractive enough for a booty call, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, because here I am supposed to be dating someone who has been in love with me for 15 YEARS, and I am still not fucking good enough. Because no mater how many times Shawn runs away and rejects me, I know deep down I was his everything once upon a time, and I hurt him. Yet we still were able to be friends until I was pregnant with my son, our son.

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