7/8/15, 4:14 AM
Pacific Daylight Time
Am I a good person?
Really am I?
I am keeping a secret, even from my best friend. Why? Because I know she wouldn't approve of what I am doing. No one would. Hell, I don't approve of it. I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing. And really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so. But, I mean I threw caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts to the consequences. And why? I have no freaking idea! I mean I have always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me. I trust my gut though, I always have. My head keeps me stuck in my fears and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything. Anything at all. And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small way.
Here is the thing though, my gut says this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????
My heart says, he is off limits. He is just a friend. It will be ok. I know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with it. He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am not over Eric. He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other than friendship. I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is crap. If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves' and the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person. And I mean seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP. Don't ruin your child's life by making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.
So he has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know you. ..I know I thought he was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11 years ago we would have crossed paths. Possibly occasionally as early as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely. Drama Grounds.
I will never forget the first time I went to Common. It was with Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998. And by the time I broke up with MSB in April 1999. He had already been in Juvie for a while at that point. And his friends had been trying to set me up with other people every time I stopped in common. Like this recently recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.
Thank gods J is not JD from that memory...how fucked up would it be if he was. More predestination shit. More fate going you damn fool I keep throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!! Might actually still be that way.
Cause you know what? Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute, chubby dude I told Trish about. Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then fiancee? Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral herpies I would have been like, oh wait...no peace out?
But now I am all just like...I can't help myself. I knew how he would sound before I heard his voice. I knew how his kiss would feel on my neck before we even agreed to meet. And I want to sub for him, and I want to revel in how he makes me feel safe. So safe. Why does he make me feel safe? Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.
UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.
And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.
The face that every fiber of my being says
this is the guy who could keep up with me.
this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.
this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday
this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with
this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for
This is who I want to be my best guy friend. Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries.
Pacific Daylight Time
Am I a good person?
Really am I?
I am keeping a secret, even from my best friend. Why? Because I know she wouldn't approve of what I am doing. No one would. Hell, I don't approve of it. I mean I can go on and rationalize what I am doing. And really, there are PLENTY of reasons to do so. But, I mean I threw caution to the wind, jumped into something head first with NO thoughts to the consequences. And why? I have no freaking idea! I mean I have always lived my life by certain rules. I am at this constant war between head and heart, never knowing which one is the one lying to me. I trust my gut though, I always have. My head keeps me stuck in my fears and on a loop, my heart longs so much to just feel anything. Anything at all. And I know half of the time my "feelings" are false creations out of my longing to feel, to love, be loved and be normal in some small way.
Here is the thing though, my gut says this is the right thing. My fears say, Oh my gods I am going to get an STD, I am going to end up a ruined wreck, and for what a good time????
My heart says, he is off limits. He is just a friend. It will be ok. I know he is doing something wrong, and its risky but take that acceptance, that desire, that warm feeling he gives you and run with it. He obviously wont care if I fall in love with someone else, or am not over Eric. He didn't seek me out, he didn't initiate anything other than friendship. I mean, yeah I started out thinking 'Man his GF is crap. If I had such a good guy, I would treat him as he deserves' and the more I learn the more I think she is a horrid person. And I mean seriously, if you are a stay at home mom, I don't care how depressed you are your four year old should be potty trained, your home clean, and food on the table or GET FUCKING HELP. Don't ruin your child's life by making them grow up neglected and in a war zone.
So he has my sympanthy, and attraction, and this odd sense of I ~know~ I know you. ..I know I thought he was cute...Thankfully, it really is only 11 years ago we would have crossed paths. Possibly occasionally as early as 15 years ago. Actually that is more than likely. Drama Grounds.
I will never forget the first time I went to Common. It was with Midnight Stick Boi and Greg Wolf, summer of 1998. And by the time I broke up with MSB in April 1999. He had already been in Juvie for a while at that point. And his friends had been trying to set me up with other people every time I stopped in common. Like this recently recovered memory of getting high with Greg Wolf and some dude JD.
Thank gods J is not JD from that memory...how fucked up would it be if he was. More predestination shit. More fate going you damn fool I keep throwing these men in your path and you ignore them!!! Might actually still be that way.
Cause you know what? Each older picture I come accross of J on FB I am like...he IS the cute, chubby dude I told Trish about. Isn't it Ironic that I have had sex with someone whom 11 years ago I would have wanted to watch fuck my then fiancee? Someone who at that point if I had know about his oral herpies I would have been like, oh wait...no peace out?
But now I am all just like...I can't help myself. I knew how he would sound before I heard his voice. I knew how his kiss would feel on my neck before we even agreed to meet. And I want to sub for him, and I want to revel in how he makes me feel safe. So safe. Why does he make me feel safe? Like literally no one ever has before. I would probably do anything he asked, before my brain and heart caught up with me.
UGh, thank god he is a cheating on his GF or I would be half way to being in love with him.
Not because of anything he does, or says...because of the whole package.
And this feeling of home I get from talking to him.
The fact that just getting a text from him makes a panic attack fade.
The face that every fiber of my being says
this is the guy who could keep up with me.
this is the guy who doesn't care about the package, but who I am.
this is the guy who I could climb a mountain in India with someday
this is the guy who I could check so many things off my bucket list with
this is the guy who is the partner in crime I have been waiting all my life for
This is who I want to be my best guy friend. Whom I want to share everything with, no secrets, no boundaries.
No comments:
Post a Comment