partial rant

I just went back over and re-read my old blog entries.  And man, I have to say I am one fucked up individual.  It is clear by my language usage when I am in a manic state.  It is also clear that my supposed vast intellect is only ever used fully to ramble on about whatever my current obsession is. I do and say quite a bit of stupid things.  I hit a nail on the head once by saying I am obsessed with obsessions.  My mind works by fixating on someone or something and clinging to it.  I trust outside influences overly to judge reality in order to have a springing board for my lifestyle.  I am easily lead.  Yet I have a grandiose image of myself.  Let me reiterate...I am one really fucked up person. 

This season of being for myself has been one of nostalgia.  Looking back on my life and analyzing everything.  I have decided that I am well versed in the talent of self-deception, as well as being rather given to compulsions and lack of impulse control.

For a while I wanted to wallow in the lack of romantic interest I have.  Feeling the need to fixate on one or more individuals in a sexual manner in order to fuel fantasy and erotic dreams.  While at the same time finding very little in life to be actually stimulating.  I realize that I have a need to be in love.  In one way my stalker is totally correct.

Yet perhaps this need to be interested and focused on someone is a way of self-denying my true feelings.  I realize I used to do the same thing when I was a child. I also had the same pat