Honesty, revisited

Published on

10/18/13, 10:01 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

On April 11, 2009 I poured my heart out to you in honesty on here. 

Tonight I revisit that post and update where I stand.

I dream of you often.

I dream of you rarely, but when I do it bothers me.  A lot.  Because in those dreams I still feel connected to you.  Maybe it is my mind connecting with other "me" in other worlds, as each new universe springs up due to our choices. But there is always a sense of loss.  We could have been amazing.  You are my soul mate.  But, the bridge has been burned and I don't even know if I could ever be friends with you again.  No matter how much I want to be your friend.

 

 I have been torn up inside trying to fight the growing feelings and renewed attraction. Gods I want you. But all of you. Not just sex. Not just playmates. I want to take this friendship that has grown between us to the next level. I am falling all over again. I didn't want to. Trust me I didn't plan to feel swept away again. I want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold you and be held by you. I want to snuggle and fall asleep holding you again. I want to wake up with your arms around me. I want to have your child again, but this time with you by my side. I realize that I should have married you. I was so wrong. All these years I have been terrified of committing to someone and being wrong. But I have made a commitment to you haven't I? I don' t want to loose your friendship. But I swore I'd not lie to you or hide things from you ever again. I can't seem to say this to your face, but I want you back! I am afraid of rejection. I always have been. When it matters. And you matter. This has nothing to do with our daughter. Don't be afraid to tell me to never mention this again. 

I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life. I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you. I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love with my ex and baby's daddy.

Blah, Blah, Blah...I tried, I got a baby...he is the best little person in the whole wide world and my Avery is my baby boy and so wonderful...and just mine... I only have to share him with Madison.  And unlike Madison, who is you but young and female, Avery is more me but young and male in personality.  And you know what, I went a hell of a long time after having him to even think " oh wait, I am more than a Mom...I have needs"...and I gave in and took an easy way out...and got in over my head...and realized...even guys who have been obsessed with me for more than half my life,  once they 'have me' don't really want me...and I felt so unlovable.  So all those lessons I thought I had learned, and then unlearned.  Nope... the truth is to men I am just a sex object and love or even affection cannot fit into it or mix with sex.  But the older I get the less the idea of sex with out any affection appeals to me. So every single time my impulse was...I should be a lesbian...yeah...I really should...but meeting women is really fucking hard.  I wish I was a gay man.  At least gay men are sweeties most of the time.

So NO I am not engaged.  NO I am not in a relationship and trying to flaunt it at you.  NO I am not after a relationship with you.  I have sworn off relationships with men...unless David Tennant shows up at my door to sweep me off my feet ( and if you don't know who David Tennant is I pitty you... he is beyond sexy, with a great head of hair and geek...and he was the Doctor...

 
I feel weak doing this Nah, pretty damn freeing actually.  I would have given it up years ago if it wasn't. 

 . I feel brave doing this.

I can't seem to find the cocky woman I was and just take what I want. 

I think it is pretty safe to say that despite having some issues with feeling unlovable....bitch is back baby, and better than ever.  I can be blunt, I can be crude, and I am not afraid.  Living in the ghetto can do that to a gal.  It is kinda impossible to dress like a dude these days though.  Damn kids ruined it for me... the hips are here to stay, and the boobs...my gods the boobs are my worst nightmare....I am a freaking 44DDD.  I can't get away from the damn things...

If I could I would have kissed you last week. I would have told you that I wanted you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for pushing and pulling at the same time.

Blah, Blah, Blah...we played our game.  That is what it really is.  I try to get a rise out of you, you try to get a rise out of me.  We talk around shit instead of dealing with it head on.  Even when we are nekid and your dick was up my ass, we never really resolved anything...ergo ...all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put us back together again.

oooh...witty, I like that.

hehe.

When it all comes down to the brutal honest truth, I really don't think you would have wanted it any other way.  And I think that is why you throw yourself into the messes you do.  I sure as hell do the same thing, and in that way maybe we are just too much alike.  We need validation but we also need a challenge. But instead of manifesting in a healthy way...say showing love and reaffirming affection we tend to be insecure in those areas and instead reaffirm physical lust and sexuality and try to make loving us more difficult than it needs to be to pose that challenge we long for. Perhaps, it is a manifestation of the lack of love we both received as children from our actual parents, both of us being raised more by Grandparents who showed love in a more reserved fashion.  Perhaps it is that we both had to be adults before our time and never really learned how to casually date, or to be in anything other than a doomed or purely sexual relationship.  And, this is starting to sound like therapist case notes.

 

I want you to succeed in life. Well, why not.  I loved you once with all of my being.  Even when I am feeling particularly vicious and mean spirited, I still want you to succeed.  I might not want you to be happy (sometimes I like to imagine you have everything you could ever want but are miserable), but I want you to succeed. 

 I want to be with you till we are old and grey. I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked again. Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel like you are not sure what you want. But that you are still drawn to me.

Reading some of this I start to picture Charlie Brown's teacher "woh woh woh"...So many words with out really saying much at all.  

 What I want from you:everything I would like the friendship we once had back...where you can tell me all about the men you shag, and I could wax poetic about some blond chick's bum.  Sigh.

But I want you to be there for Madison.

 

What I want from you: the husband you once promised to be While in some alternative version of reality, we know this happened based on many worlds theory...the idea of it even being remotely possible in this world was crushed from my mind and heart on Jan 2, 2010.  

 

What I want from you: monogamy I don't think there is a version of us in ANY universe that is completely monogamous. I think any version of me would always be cheering you on for getting laid by some hot gay dude. 

What I want from you: to know that I am the only one.  You proved pretty effectively that I was not.

What I want from you: your mind, soul, and heart  I miss your mind.  Twisted and Geeky and so much fun sometimes.

What I want from you: My shawn. doesn't exist anymore My Prince.  Was a fantasy of a six year old girl.  I am pretty sure you just tried to be the person I wanted back in 03/04

 My lover, Each time we have hooked up the actual experience diminishes in enjoyability.  It went from "oh gods, I see stars" to "oh, gods, I wish he would just cum already"

friend,

 and soulmate I am still of the opinion that you are my soulmate...but that in practical terms that and a dollar will get me a candy bar.

 

What I want from you: a son Have my son now.  Honestly, I kinda think it was a self fulfilling prophecy.  In Dec of 08 I had a dream we had a baby and it was a boy and that his existence would some how relate to Christmas. I was pretty open and honest that I did want another kid with you.  And that I wanted a little boy.  I now have a second child, who is a perfect little boy.  

OOOh...lightbulb moment....do you feel that I only ever tried to get back with you in 09 so that I could have a baby?  Does all of this come down to the fact that I wanted a son, and I got a son.  And that unlike with Madison I have never pushed you to know him? That Avery has no father legally, I have never asked for a DNA test, or anything?  That he is Avery Jones.....my heir essentially?

Holy Guacamole Batman!  

I promised you I would never keep a kid from you.  I knew you had said you wanted to have a son with me.  Other than sharing a picture of an ultrasound with you, that showed it was a boy...I never tried to share the pregnancy/him with you.

But to be fair, you never really gave me the chance to. And you run away from Madison.  And tell everyone Avery couldn't possibly be yours.  

Ok...well this is Avery Morgan Jones:

 

 

what I want from you: the life you promised once.
what I want from you: you
what I want from you: will you be mine?
What I want from you: to be yours.

So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.

Happy?


So whats your response?