Self Exposure: A decade later

So ok, wow. Its been a decade.  More than.  And this was written what feels like forever ago.  But I am trying to let go an not keep the weight of baggage I no longer need. I was in and out of love with Shawn so often, it made my head spin. I was convinced later on that I was under a love spell the whole time. But I wanted that feeling of  safety he gave me when he was my closest friend back so bad so often. I wrote this and posted it on a private blog.

So here it is, me at 29 being dumb and naive and pouring my heart out to someone who wanted me to be something, someone I was not.

 

 

 To Valik pt 1 Just Questions

4/11/09, 7:58 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

Questions I need answers to:

Do you love me?
What do you want from me?
Are you still afraid I'd cheat?
Why do you play games with me?
Is it that I am not a sub?
Do you want to do mutual bloodplay again?
Would you let me burn you, cut you, drink you in?
Do you want to tie me up, beat me, make me beg?
Do you want to be the only man I'd take it up the ass for?
Do you want to own me? Can I own you back?
Do you want to break me?
Do you miss fucking me?
Do you miss making love to me?
Do you want me to have your baby all over again?
Do you still dream of getting married?
Do you want me to want you?
Do you want to know what I want?
Will you fight me for the right to take me?
Can you prove that your the one who can make me weak?
Do you want the chance to see not just part, but all of me?
Am I right that your the only man I'm able to submit to ever?
Will you make me give up my own kinks?
Will you let me take care of you?
Will you take care of me?
Do you know how much your tag line says to me?
Do you know that you drive me insane sometimes?
Do you realize that I never stopped loving you?
Do you realize I am falling all over again?
What are you waiting for?
Will you be true to me?
Will you promise that I won't regret it?
Can I commit to you?
Do you know I am torn with these feelings?
Is this being honest enough with you?
Do you still think deep down that I am the one?
Why can't I tie you up?
Would you let me worship you with my tounge?
Do you know I have been celibate for you?
Do you know how many times I tried to move on but no one com paired?
Do you realize how much it bugs me that you have a female roommate?
Don't you get I am jealous?
Do you know that I value your friendship?
Do you know that this has nothing to do with our daughter?
Will you claim me if we get back together?
Do you know that I really want you to say to the world that I am yours and you are mine?
Be mine?
Take me?
Do you know that you really are the prince from my dreams?
Do you know that I gave up divination cause it hurt to see myself with you when I couldn't touch you?
Do you realize that its always been you?
Even when I didn't know it?
Do you know that you were right? We did wish for each other?
Do you think it had to happen this way?
Can third time be a charm?
Do you think I am psycho, or like your other ex's?
Do you know that its all your fault, you made me love you?
Do you know that I tried to move on?
Do you realize I feel like I am pathetic here?
Do you know how terrified this makes me?
Do you get what I want from you yet?



Hows that for a start?

 To Valik pt 2  Honesty.

 

4/11/09, 8:26 PM
Pacific Daylight Time

I dream of you often. I have been torn up inside trying to fight the growing feelings and renewed attraction. Gods I want you. But all of you. Not just sex. Not just playmates. I want to take this friendship that has grown between us to the next level. I am falling all over again. I didn't want to. Trust me I didn't plan to feel swept away again. I want to fuck you. I want to make love to you. I want to hold you and be held by you. I want to snuggle and fall asleep holding you again. I want to wake up with your arms around me. I want to have your child again, but this time with you by my side. I realize that I should have married you. I was so wrong. All these years I have been terrified of committing to someone and being wrong. But I have made a commitment to you haven't I? I don' t want to loose your friendship. But I swore I'd not lie to you or hide things from you ever again. I can't seem to say this to your face, but I want you back! I am afraid of rejection. I always have been. When it matters. And you matter. This has nothing to do with our daughter. Don't be afraid to tell me to never mention this again.

I long for you to tell me you love me. I hate that I screwed up. I hate that last time I felt I had to be with you to have you in my life. I wasn't ready. It was too much about sex. I didn't want to date you. I liked that you wanted to date me. I am fucked in the head sometimes. Mostly about you. I'd give up my revenge on Roger for you. I have given up being with men for you. I miss touching you. I miss intimacy with you. I miss knowing that you love me. It feels like you do sometimes. I know this is a total ramblng mess, but I am pouring out my thoughts here for you. Publicly announcing that I am a fool in love with my ex and baby's daddy.

I feel weak doing this. I feel brave doing this. I can't seem to find the cocky woman I was and just take what I want. If I could I would have kissed you last week. I would have told you that I wanted you. I am sorry for the hinting. I am sorry for pushing and pulling at the same time.
I want you to succeed in life. I want to be with you till we are old and grey. I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked again. Well ok, maybe not literally. I feel like you are not sure what you want. But that you are still drawn to me.


What I want from you:everything
What I want from you: the husband you once promised to be
What I want from you: monogamy
What I want from you: to know that I am the only one.
What I want from you: your mind, soul, and heart
What I want from you: My shawn. My Prince. My lover, friend, and soulmate
What I want from you: a son
what I want from you: the life you promised once.
what I want from you: you
what I want from you: will you be mine?
What I want from you: to be yours.

So there, this woman is finally being honest and telling you what she wants from you.

Happy?


So whats your response?